Reuben Tells You Why Your Favorite Music Sucks: My Chemical Romance
Okay, let’s assume that since you are reading this blog you read a lot of blogs. If you do indeed read a lot of blogs, then there is also a good chance that you are a member of the Haiku-writing, Harry Potter glasses-wearing, self-loathing self-centered douche bag revolution known as…
Emo.
I hate Emo more than George Bush hates black people. I hate Emo so much it makes my stomach ill to even hear the mention of LiveJournal in public. I hate Emo with a white hot passion that will not be quenched by any sports drink yet known to man. I could write a dissertation on the hatred in the cockles of my heart that I hold for the demon-spawn that is Fall Out Boy and Linkin Park, but I am not here to discuss Emo as a whole. No, I have a special place on my personal ‘I hope you die in a car fire’ list for My Chemical Romance.
This band is different from other Emo bands for a few reasons, so let’s dissect them:
1. One major problem is that they are melodramatic in their videos even when compared to other Emo bands. In one of their videos, they have then nerve to compare a break up (Gee, I wonder why anyone would break up with any of those guys) to the storming of the beaches at Normandy. Let me repeat that: THE STORMING OF THE BEACHES AT FUCKING NORMANY! Yea, cuz when my girlfriend broke up with me I too felt as if hundreds of thousands of soldiers died… for my feelings.
2. I can typically bear listening to Linkin Park for a good fifteen minutes without an aneurism bursting in my head. I bet I could even listen to melodramatic poetry from a Rivers Cuomo wanna-be* at a coffee house without jamming a fork into my ears for, I don’t know, 3 or 4 minutes. What separates My Chemical Romance from the rest of the pack is how profoundly unskilled musically and uncreative lyrically they are. Every song is a carbon copy of the one previous. ‘My girl left me, I’m so sad, feel my pain, I think I’ll cry.’ The end. Great, that was fun to listen to. Let’s go play checkers… No! You can’t go play checkers because you’re brain dead from listening to this crap.
*(side note: Rivers Cuomo is not Emo. Weezer is not Emo. There is a difference between Emo and actual emotion. They have never been Emo, and never will be Emo. Rivers was clinically depressed, and therefore had meaning behind his lyrics. Emo is just some kids who didn’t get the PS2 for Christmas rebelling by stealing their little sister’s makeup.)
3. There are a lot of other things terribly, terribly wrong with My Chemical Romance (which you may feel free to add in the comments below), but perhaps most grievous is this: they are so painfully marketable, so musically void, and so mind-numbingly easy to replicate that now there are musicians thinking to themselves, ‘Hey, if they can get away with that then so can I.’ For the next decade our local music scenes will be bombarded with melodramatic crap. Where once we had talent, we have no more. Marquees reading ‘The Tear Mongers’ and ‘Cut My Wrists So I Can Have Feelings’ will pop up across this great country of ours. It will be hell on earth for concert goers; hundreds of bands with no real message, no real feelings, and it is all the fault Emo, and in particular the fault of one band: My Chemical Romance.
That is why My Chemical Romance sucks.
Also, you can’t really dance to it, and that was the only redeeming quality disco.
Emo.
I hate Emo more than George Bush hates black people. I hate Emo so much it makes my stomach ill to even hear the mention of LiveJournal in public. I hate Emo with a white hot passion that will not be quenched by any sports drink yet known to man. I could write a dissertation on the hatred in the cockles of my heart that I hold for the demon-spawn that is Fall Out Boy and Linkin Park, but I am not here to discuss Emo as a whole. No, I have a special place on my personal ‘I hope you die in a car fire’ list for My Chemical Romance.
This band is different from other Emo bands for a few reasons, so let’s dissect them:
1. One major problem is that they are melodramatic in their videos even when compared to other Emo bands. In one of their videos, they have then nerve to compare a break up (Gee, I wonder why anyone would break up with any of those guys) to the storming of the beaches at Normandy. Let me repeat that: THE STORMING OF THE BEACHES AT FUCKING NORMANY! Yea, cuz when my girlfriend broke up with me I too felt as if hundreds of thousands of soldiers died… for my feelings.
2. I can typically bear listening to Linkin Park for a good fifteen minutes without an aneurism bursting in my head. I bet I could even listen to melodramatic poetry from a Rivers Cuomo wanna-be* at a coffee house without jamming a fork into my ears for, I don’t know, 3 or 4 minutes. What separates My Chemical Romance from the rest of the pack is how profoundly unskilled musically and uncreative lyrically they are. Every song is a carbon copy of the one previous. ‘My girl left me, I’m so sad, feel my pain, I think I’ll cry.’ The end. Great, that was fun to listen to. Let’s go play checkers… No! You can’t go play checkers because you’re brain dead from listening to this crap.
*(side note: Rivers Cuomo is not Emo. Weezer is not Emo. There is a difference between Emo and actual emotion. They have never been Emo, and never will be Emo. Rivers was clinically depressed, and therefore had meaning behind his lyrics. Emo is just some kids who didn’t get the PS2 for Christmas rebelling by stealing their little sister’s makeup.)
3. There are a lot of other things terribly, terribly wrong with My Chemical Romance (which you may feel free to add in the comments below), but perhaps most grievous is this: they are so painfully marketable, so musically void, and so mind-numbingly easy to replicate that now there are musicians thinking to themselves, ‘Hey, if they can get away with that then so can I.’ For the next decade our local music scenes will be bombarded with melodramatic crap. Where once we had talent, we have no more. Marquees reading ‘The Tear Mongers’ and ‘Cut My Wrists So I Can Have Feelings’ will pop up across this great country of ours. It will be hell on earth for concert goers; hundreds of bands with no real message, no real feelings, and it is all the fault Emo, and in particular the fault of one band: My Chemical Romance.
That is why My Chemical Romance sucks.
Also, you can’t really dance to it, and that was the only redeeming quality disco.
reubs wrote this piece of shit at 9:30 PM
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