Hopefully I won't be sporting a Columbian necktie
As trendy as they are in South America, I'd feel fine in a ringed tee.
I need cash and my car is in the shop. Doorhandles jammed, fender dented and a blown head gasket. Everything about my car is broke, especially the owner. I'd pimp my ride but I couldnt even get it to work as a phone sex operator. I don't have a job and am currently running through my cash like water. Although I normally do not run through water. Let me think. Uhhh what's something I normally run through? Police Caution tape? Old people in grocery lines? Well I guess thats more like body checking. Oh I got it now...the aisles of Best Buy after I swipe a cd I want but can't shell out 19 dollars for. So I am running through cash as fast as I sprint from overweight stockboys at Best Buy and realize I need some income.
So I decide I am going to have to get an honest 9-5 type job, or sell drugs. Or maybe both if the ginko biloba pills really do work and my multi tasking ability increases like the label says. As for jobs though i can not think of what Id be able to do. Restaruant work has passed me by seeing as I can no longer stand customers. That and the management was something I never liked answering too. So I need to think of a profession where I dont have to deal with customers making insipid demands or managers to kowtow to. Oh thats right selling drugs!
I figure I could start small growing some high end herb and dishing it out around campus. Lets face it I wouldn't really be selling drugs, they sell themselves. Id be more the middle man, offering their services for a price. Their services being 'fucking yo ass up'. So id take care of my money problem as well as providing a valuable service to the wanting public. 2 problems now come to mind.
1) The governement has been killing the nations buzz for almost a hundred years and my new line of work could take me to San Quentin. Historically a fascinating prison to see and experience, however the fun of learning about new places first hand would probably dissolve around shower time.
2) Rival drug gangs. Which brings us to the header of this piece. Cloumbian neckties are what officers who investigate drug war casualties have nicknamed victims whose throats are slashed and tongues pulled down through the esophogus and onto the chest. Now is that likely to occur in rural Ohio? God Willing! How cool would that obituary read! But maybe only right before I was going to die of natural causes 70 years from now. I'd rather not cut the good times short.
With all of these dangers I believe I have a better solution. How about instead of the drugs idea everytime you get a laugh from reading passages on this site you send me a dollar. That seems fair, even if it's an aritcle I didn't write. Aww fuck just send me 20 bucks and pretend it was for cancer research or something. I'll even send back a trendy bracelet with the words "Hope Creates Miracles" on it.
And as a bonus I promise that same bracelet will get you laid. Yeah, now we're getting somewhere.
I need cash and my car is in the shop. Doorhandles jammed, fender dented and a blown head gasket. Everything about my car is broke, especially the owner. I'd pimp my ride but I couldnt even get it to work as a phone sex operator. I don't have a job and am currently running through my cash like water. Although I normally do not run through water. Let me think. Uhhh what's something I normally run through? Police Caution tape? Old people in grocery lines? Well I guess thats more like body checking. Oh I got it now...the aisles of Best Buy after I swipe a cd I want but can't shell out 19 dollars for. So I am running through cash as fast as I sprint from overweight stockboys at Best Buy and realize I need some income.
So I decide I am going to have to get an honest 9-5 type job, or sell drugs. Or maybe both if the ginko biloba pills really do work and my multi tasking ability increases like the label says. As for jobs though i can not think of what Id be able to do. Restaruant work has passed me by seeing as I can no longer stand customers. That and the management was something I never liked answering too. So I need to think of a profession where I dont have to deal with customers making insipid demands or managers to kowtow to. Oh thats right selling drugs!
I figure I could start small growing some high end herb and dishing it out around campus. Lets face it I wouldn't really be selling drugs, they sell themselves. Id be more the middle man, offering their services for a price. Their services being 'fucking yo ass up'. So id take care of my money problem as well as providing a valuable service to the wanting public. 2 problems now come to mind.
1) The governement has been killing the nations buzz for almost a hundred years and my new line of work could take me to San Quentin. Historically a fascinating prison to see and experience, however the fun of learning about new places first hand would probably dissolve around shower time.
2) Rival drug gangs. Which brings us to the header of this piece. Cloumbian neckties are what officers who investigate drug war casualties have nicknamed victims whose throats are slashed and tongues pulled down through the esophogus and onto the chest. Now is that likely to occur in rural Ohio? God Willing! How cool would that obituary read! But maybe only right before I was going to die of natural causes 70 years from now. I'd rather not cut the good times short.
With all of these dangers I believe I have a better solution. How about instead of the drugs idea everytime you get a laugh from reading passages on this site you send me a dollar. That seems fair, even if it's an aritcle I didn't write. Aww fuck just send me 20 bucks and pretend it was for cancer research or something. I'll even send back a trendy bracelet with the words "Hope Creates Miracles" on it.
And as a bonus I promise that same bracelet will get you laid. Yeah, now we're getting somewhere.
Jay Runner wrote this piece of shit at 1:45 AM
0 Horrible Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home