Go Forth and Be Funny, part III: The Ten Commandments

And the Lord spoke unto Hurricane, "Go forth to your Horrible People and say: Our Lord gives unto our people these stone tablets, the Ten Commandments of comedy.” And Hurricane replied, “These look more like empty pizza boxes with sharpie marker scribbles on them.” “Silence! Then you shall read the Commandments to them, for many cannot read thanks to declining acceptance standards. Thou shalt follow the letter of this law lest you be smote!” “Smote?” “I can make up words whenever I please,” replied God, “how do you think all the other ones were made?” And Hurricane knew that he got his ass handed to him, and God went on:

I. Thou Shalt Be Funny
And God spoke unto Hurricane, “Thou shall funny at all times, even if only in your own mind’s eye. You shall giggle at inappropriate moments and crack jokes far too soon. You shall humor many with your witticisms and quips, and you will be looked upon as humorous all the days of your life.” And Hurricane was pleased and God was pleased and they had a moment. And it was good.

II. Thou Shalt Write
God then gave unto Hurricane the gift of writing. God said to him, “You shall spend half your day writing. You shall write in class, in your room and in your friend's rooms.” And God said, “But you will not write for class. You will only write for your stand up act and comedy blog.” And Hurricane nodded in approval, and it was good.

III. Thou Shalt Borrow Material
And God said unto Hurricane, “You and all the people of your kind shall borrow material from those funnier than you.” Hurricane was not convinced and asked, “Why?” God said unto him, “You shall not be able to make everything up yourself and therefore be left with writer’s block. You shall need a few more bits with only an hour before your next show and choose a few bits that most people have not heard of and use them for your own. After which,” God said, “You shall be called out for stealing material by a few audience members after your show and you shall be left wanting to write your own crap so you don’t have to take this shit anymore.” Hurricane did not like this Commandment but carefully considered what might happen if he and God got into a fist fight, so he begrudgingly accepted. And it was good.

IV. Thou Shalt Curse Like It’s Your Job
“Hurricane, thou shalt say shit and fuck a lot. It will not be pleasant either, for it will be angry and hateful will burn in the ears of the audience for hours. Your mind shall think that a cock sucker in this joke is unnecessary, but you are appealing to the lowest common denominator and must be as much like Bernie Mac as possible..” Hurricane was not pleased and called God out, saying, “Hold on, that’s not cool!” And with mighty wisdom and other verb-noun agreements you use to describe God, He responded, “Yea, I don’t like his stand up much either.” And it was good.

V. Thou Shalt Join A Comedy Troupe
Then God spoke again, saying, “And during the times that you are not eating, sleeping, writing, or shitting, thou shalt join a comedy troupe. You shall be on the list serve and receive e-mails all the time, but thou shalt not go to meetings.” And Hurricane asked why he should not go to meetings, and God responded, “Because Comedy on the Rocks is gay.” And Hurricane understood his teaching, and it was good.

VI. Thou Shalt Eat The Free Pizza
God called out again, saying, “Thou shalt eat the free pizza afforded to you by the venue. It is filling and does not require money for procurement, for thou art poor and cannot afford such luxuries.” God went on, “It shall not always be pizza. Sometimes it may be a hamburger or a grilled cheese sandwich. Sometimes it will be the peanuts on the bar. But it will be satisfying. Sometimes.” And it, too, was good.

VII. Thou Shalt Interact With The Audience
“Thou shalt make conversation with audience members, particularly those who you wish to hook up with later in the night. You shall also make haste in conversing with those drunk and disorderly in your audience, for they are most entertaining. Blessed are the drunk, for they are least likely to understand your insults.” And it was good.

VIII. Thou Shalt Criticize Other Comedians
God said unto Hurricane, “There will come a time that you will see a comedian finish their act, after which you will tell your buddy next to you that he sucked the nut. You will then proceed to tell your friend every detail of what the last guy did wrong; he was abrasive, he mumbled, he had material that only targeted a few audience members, he checked his notes too much.” Hurricane asked if it was he that was the bad comedian and God laughed but did not answer. And it was good.

IX. Thou Shalt Write For A Campus TV Show
Hurricane then asked, “But how shall I communicate these teachings outside of the stage?” And God answered, “Thou shalt write for a local television show. Thou shalt write for the show but rarely if every go to meetings, for you are lazy and too busy with other things like napping.” And it was good.

X. Thou Shalt Have Bad Nights
Hurricane asked for the final Commandment, and God said that he would not like it. “Lastly,” God decreed, “Thou shalt have bad nights on stage.” Hurricane looks upon the face of God confused. God went on, saying, “Thou shalt not apologize either. You have been using the same material for months now and it just so happened that this night all the people who wouldn’t like your jokes showed up. You will know in your heart that these jokes got tons of laughs last week, so you will not change a thing. But in your head you will have doubt about your material, so you will borrow more from other comedians to fill the void.” Hurricane wept at the news, but God comforted him, saying, “You will still get free pizza even if you cannot tell any jokes anymore.” This livened Hurricane’s spirit, so he said, “Thank you, Lord, you are most wise.”

To which God replied, “Why do the assholes always have to be the comedians?” And it was good.