Horrible Resolutions

In honor of the start of a new year it's time to reflect on the good and bad and make some promises to yourself on areas you where you can improve. I know I've got my list made, and to make sure I'm held to it I'm posting it here. Here's a list of my horrible resolutions...

Get my grades up. However not through hard work but by hacking the school's server and cheating.

Learn to hack a school server and cheat, without getting caught.

Fight the power.

Stop collecting toe nail clippings in shopping bags. Jars are more effective.

Lobby for gay marriage until all people in America receive equal treatment.

Marry Jake Gyllenhaal.

Stop chasing two outers to the river and stop overplaying suited connectors in late position.

Stop using so much poker lingo.

Finally reach puberty.

Grow rugged beard to emulate Chuck Norris.

No longer allow people like Larry the Cable Guy, Carlos Mencia and Lisa Lampanelli on tv. They are destroying my love of comedy because they are shitty no talent hacks that survive on racial humor and poop jokes.

Get people to listen to David Cross, Patton Oswalt, Eugene Mirman, Zach Galifianakis and Mike Birbiglia. Along with other hilarious comics that restore my love of comedy.

Clone myself.

Enslave me.

Force me to work fast food and take checks from myself to play more poker.

Harvest clone's organs. Sell for poker money.

Reunite Hootie and the Blowfish to tour and release new album.

Update Horrible People more often.

Stop exagerating and using so much hyperbole.

Remain the savior of comedy through my incomparable genius and bootylicious body and start on MY ULTIMATE GOAL OF BECOMMING THE BENEVOLENT RULER OF EARTH!

...stop referring to body as bootylicious.