Holiday gift ideas, the ones that don't suck
I sincerely hope that my last post gave those would be awful gift buyers a chance to think out their purchases and leave the terrible products on the shelves. However, the astute reader will realize they now only know what not to buy. Sure, that's half the battle but they are left with nothing, no bad gifts and no good ones either. Since I love my audience and there's nothing better to do when under house arrest I have decided to compile a list of breathtaking proportions. Below are the most stupendous gifts to get your friends this year. And by friends I mean people that aren't suited for the presents in any way, so in turn you can have the gift. Hell, these things aren't cheap and you should enjoy them. Cool gifts COMMINATCHA!!!
The Nuclear Globe:
This makes me hate every gift my parents ever got me. Mostly because every gift was either Altoids or self-help books but still this Nuclear Globe is bad ass. Sportsstuff.com had a bunch or awesome things to help make your day out with your family, in your speed boat, on your private lake more enjoyable. I chose this since it doesn't require rich relatives to have a great time. Just find water, hop in and run like a hamster on meth. If you're lucky enough to have two globes and I guess a friend, although I've never seen the need for friendship until now, you both can have fun doing bumper battles. They show pictures of it on the water and on sand however they really were limiting the useage. I'd never leave the safety of my inflatable multi colored womb. I'd just roam the campus of OU through the safety and multicolored distortion that this toy brings. And nothing could stop me! Except for broken bottles, steep inclines, windy days, sharp edges, muddy ground or small doorways.
Who to buy for: Now remember this gift is awesome and you deserve it. It's best to pick out any friends who are long time smokers, the type already showing signs of emphysema or possibly any family member over eighty. Just someone who'd give up or pass out halfway through inflating the thing. After that use the pump it comes with to fill it up and roll away from your unconscious loved one.
Kenguru, the hot wheels for cripples:
Once I saw this vehicle for the handicapped I began drilling a dull steak knife into my spinal column. Than of course I realized that you dont have to be handicapped to use it, you just need to steal a wheelchair. That information would have come in handy back when I wasn't paralyzed on the left side of my body from a freak steak knife accident. Paralysis or not this is still one sweet ride for all my disabled friends out there. Finally, concrete proof that God truly never closes a door without opening a window. Assuming of course that you fell out that window and landed awkwardly on your neck so now you are confined to a wheelchair. This car almost makes it all seem worth it though. Legs shmegs, you're riding in style.
Who to buy for: Cripples already get all the attention so they don't really need a cool car to add to it. You want to give this car to either extreme, the jock who beats up the impaired because they show off by still functioning in a society that is designed for the capable or a completely imobilized memeber of society. The type that have to blow air into that little tube to move around. Make sure you stay cool with him after he passes on your gift though because he can really help by blowing up that Nuclear Globe for you since he gets to practice all day.
Feel Seating System
That's pretty much the coolest furniture I have ever seen in my life. This is a bed/chair/futon/molecular sofa. It's called Feel and is made by design company Animi Causa where a bunch of other awesome products can be found that I can't afford. This here is the cream of the crop though. Made of 120 soft spheres covered in an elastic fabric the structure can be rearranged to whatever you want. I'm just gonna cut to the chase and say that I have to fuck on that thing. I don't just want to, I have to. Furniture that versatile should come with a copy of the Kama Sutra. Not to mention it would look kickass anywhere. In my living room, my crappy dorm lounge or a disease ridden crack house scheduled for demolition. It pretty much makes whatever surrounds it the place to be. Although the residents of the crack house pretty much already consider it the place to be, at least now theyd have something comfy to do blow on.
Who to buy for: This is a toughy since this gift kicks so much ass. If you have a friend with a overwhelming fear of science and DNA models I'd say that's your first choice. If worse comes to worse you may be forced to kill the person you give this too if they decide to keep it. It's worth the sacrifice, spill blood for your new lord the Feel and dream murderous dreams while enveloped in its warmth. The Feel commands it, don't deny your God.
The Coolest of the Cool: Downs Dolls
Ok, yes, I know. I had this as one of the worst gifts you could possibly give to anyone. A doll with downs syndrome does sound odd and at first like a sick joke but I got to thinking, how much of my time do I spend laughing at the mentally handicapped and end up feeling nothing but guilt and shame. And also fatigue from laughing so damn hard. Well these little scamps offer the perfect solution because they're dolls. You now have the option of laughing yourself horse in the comfort and privacy of your own home. And the best part is you can still feel like you are a part of humanity. It's a win win situation really. Featured above is Christina and Mikael. I couldn't help but notice that Christina looks exactly like Thomas with brown hair and a tan. Mikael is from Eastern Europe and he says 'reading books is my enjoyment' because apparently proper grammar is not. Just be glad I didn't recommend the Chemo Friends and no, I am not making those up either.
Who to buy for: Just get one yourself you twisted fuck. Life's to short to not be laughing at the less fortunate.
A Final Tip:
No matter what you get for your family, friends and collegues this year you want to make sure they know how special you really think they are. These are the people that make your life worth living and you want to make sure the feeling is mutual. Here at Horrible People we have the perfect suggestion because even if the gift sucks they won't notice with...
The inventor of this product, who can only be the military sponsored genetic hybrid of Albert Einstein and Stephen Hawking, deserves a medal. Classy blue pin stripes on the outside and scantily clad ladies inside. Giving your crappy gifts that extra something. That something being gratuitous nudity. Mmm mmm, spread that holiday cheer.
The Nuclear Globe:
This makes me hate every gift my parents ever got me. Mostly because every gift was either Altoids or self-help books but still this Nuclear Globe is bad ass. Sportsstuff.com had a bunch or awesome things to help make your day out with your family, in your speed boat, on your private lake more enjoyable. I chose this since it doesn't require rich relatives to have a great time. Just find water, hop in and run like a hamster on meth. If you're lucky enough to have two globes and I guess a friend, although I've never seen the need for friendship until now, you both can have fun doing bumper battles. They show pictures of it on the water and on sand however they really were limiting the useage. I'd never leave the safety of my inflatable multi colored womb. I'd just roam the campus of OU through the safety and multicolored distortion that this toy brings. And nothing could stop me! Except for broken bottles, steep inclines, windy days, sharp edges, muddy ground or small doorways.
Who to buy for: Now remember this gift is awesome and you deserve it. It's best to pick out any friends who are long time smokers, the type already showing signs of emphysema or possibly any family member over eighty. Just someone who'd give up or pass out halfway through inflating the thing. After that use the pump it comes with to fill it up and roll away from your unconscious loved one.
Kenguru, the hot wheels for cripples:
Once I saw this vehicle for the handicapped I began drilling a dull steak knife into my spinal column. Than of course I realized that you dont have to be handicapped to use it, you just need to steal a wheelchair. That information would have come in handy back when I wasn't paralyzed on the left side of my body from a freak steak knife accident. Paralysis or not this is still one sweet ride for all my disabled friends out there. Finally, concrete proof that God truly never closes a door without opening a window. Assuming of course that you fell out that window and landed awkwardly on your neck so now you are confined to a wheelchair. This car almost makes it all seem worth it though. Legs shmegs, you're riding in style.
Who to buy for: Cripples already get all the attention so they don't really need a cool car to add to it. You want to give this car to either extreme, the jock who beats up the impaired because they show off by still functioning in a society that is designed for the capable or a completely imobilized memeber of society. The type that have to blow air into that little tube to move around. Make sure you stay cool with him after he passes on your gift though because he can really help by blowing up that Nuclear Globe for you since he gets to practice all day.
Feel Seating System
That's pretty much the coolest furniture I have ever seen in my life. This is a bed/chair/futon/molecular sofa. It's called Feel and is made by design company Animi Causa where a bunch of other awesome products can be found that I can't afford. This here is the cream of the crop though. Made of 120 soft spheres covered in an elastic fabric the structure can be rearranged to whatever you want. I'm just gonna cut to the chase and say that I have to fuck on that thing. I don't just want to, I have to. Furniture that versatile should come with a copy of the Kama Sutra. Not to mention it would look kickass anywhere. In my living room, my crappy dorm lounge or a disease ridden crack house scheduled for demolition. It pretty much makes whatever surrounds it the place to be. Although the residents of the crack house pretty much already consider it the place to be, at least now theyd have something comfy to do blow on.
Who to buy for: This is a toughy since this gift kicks so much ass. If you have a friend with a overwhelming fear of science and DNA models I'd say that's your first choice. If worse comes to worse you may be forced to kill the person you give this too if they decide to keep it. It's worth the sacrifice, spill blood for your new lord the Feel and dream murderous dreams while enveloped in its warmth. The Feel commands it, don't deny your God.
The Coolest of the Cool: Downs Dolls
Ok, yes, I know. I had this as one of the worst gifts you could possibly give to anyone. A doll with downs syndrome does sound odd and at first like a sick joke but I got to thinking, how much of my time do I spend laughing at the mentally handicapped and end up feeling nothing but guilt and shame. And also fatigue from laughing so damn hard. Well these little scamps offer the perfect solution because they're dolls. You now have the option of laughing yourself horse in the comfort and privacy of your own home. And the best part is you can still feel like you are a part of humanity. It's a win win situation really. Featured above is Christina and Mikael. I couldn't help but notice that Christina looks exactly like Thomas with brown hair and a tan. Mikael is from Eastern Europe and he says 'reading books is my enjoyment' because apparently proper grammar is not. Just be glad I didn't recommend the Chemo Friends and no, I am not making those up either.
Who to buy for: Just get one yourself you twisted fuck. Life's to short to not be laughing at the less fortunate.
A Final Tip:
No matter what you get for your family, friends and collegues this year you want to make sure they know how special you really think they are. These are the people that make your life worth living and you want to make sure the feeling is mutual. Here at Horrible People we have the perfect suggestion because even if the gift sucks they won't notice with...
The inventor of this product, who can only be the military sponsored genetic hybrid of Albert Einstein and Stephen Hawking, deserves a medal. Classy blue pin stripes on the outside and scantily clad ladies inside. Giving your crappy gifts that extra something. That something being gratuitous nudity. Mmm mmm, spread that holiday cheer.
Jay Runner wrote this piece of shit at 2:44 PM
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