Kick'em While They're Down: Freaks of Nature
As Hurricane discussed this has been a rough couple weeks for your Horrible People. With a cancelled radio show, postponed stand up and mid terms we've not been giving the correct amount of hilarity our audience craves nor the amount we enjoy providing. I think this is probably my first post in a couple weeks so I am trying to ease back into things. I could insult the establishment or take down the hipocrisy found in society, but that's kinda hard. Instead I'm going to kick'em while they're down this week and insult some freaks of nature.
By no fault of their own these monstrosities came into the world, and now it's time I put them in their place. They can't get away with feeling unique, when really they're just oddities fit for a sideshow.
Double Mouthed Fish!
This rainbow trout was caught in Lincoln, Nebraska, officially making this the most exciting thing to ever happen in the state's history. He was weighed in at about a pound. Pretty pathetic considering hes got twice the opportunity to stuff his fat fish face. Hey dummy, guess you also had twice the opportunity of getting hooked and eaten. Don't give me that surprised, gaping mouths look. Be polite and close both those, you scaley abomination. Actually the fisherman who caught you, Clarence Olberding, says the bottom mouth didn't appear to be functional. Way to go dumbass stink trout, guess your second set of hanging lips was just a hip decoration, which is about as cool as a spoiler on a Honda. Meaning not cool at all, ugly. And now Olberding plans on having you smoked and eaten. Hope Clarence enjoys the pesticides and mercury that was coursing through your veins that obviously created your malformed body. Oh and by the way, fuck you.
Double Snake!
I guess horrible anomalies come in twos. This double-headed albino rat snake has got grotesque written all over it. And listen up snakey, I don't want you getting a big heads just because an aquarium purchased you for 15,000 and is placing you on eBay at a starting bid of 150 thousand. It's a sick world and there are just freaky people out there who want you writhing in a glass tank for shits and giggles. You're nothing more than a lava lamp, something to add pizazz to a refurnished basement. You remind me of a push-me-pull-you except a lot less furry and cute and a lot more horrifying. I hope you two are someday able to be seperated. Forcibly by a taffy puller.
5 Legged Calf!
Ew. That best sums up this little monstrosity. This 5-legged, 6-hooved calf was born on a ranch in New Mexico. If the 5th leg wasn't bad enough you had to throw on an extra hoof, didn't you? What, didn't have enough room for a third eyeball you stupid, multi-limbed heifer? I've never seen a calf with a built in kick stand before. That's really going to deter the cow tipping when you grow up, unless of course they push from the right. I'm only kidding with you, give me five. Or is it five and a half? Or better yet go fuck yourself and your need for polylimbed existence. And yes, I needed to invent the word polylimbed since there is no name for whatever fucking disorder you so ardently wish to live with.
Cycloptic Kitten!
I prayed that this was photoshopped somehow, however it's all to real. Here we have a photo of Cy, a kitten born with one eye. His name, short for cyclopes (apparently his owners were about as creative as he is normal), was given at birth. Unfortunately for you Cy you didn't live much after that since you also didn't have a nose. Way to go genius, guess your plan for being an attention grabbing mutant didn't include having a clear pathway for air. Kittens really are adorable aren't they? I look forward to seeing you in the next Wes Craven film playing the part of living nightmare. You've guaranteed me several nights of restless sleep and for that I condemn you.
Well that is all I've got to say to you repulsive wastes of life. But don't let this get to you to much. Just to show you I am not all bad here is an inspirational poster that applies to you all, and hopefully gives you a positive and accurate outlook.
By no fault of their own these monstrosities came into the world, and now it's time I put them in their place. They can't get away with feeling unique, when really they're just oddities fit for a sideshow.
Double Mouthed Fish!
This rainbow trout was caught in Lincoln, Nebraska, officially making this the most exciting thing to ever happen in the state's history. He was weighed in at about a pound. Pretty pathetic considering hes got twice the opportunity to stuff his fat fish face. Hey dummy, guess you also had twice the opportunity of getting hooked and eaten. Don't give me that surprised, gaping mouths look. Be polite and close both those, you scaley abomination. Actually the fisherman who caught you, Clarence Olberding, says the bottom mouth didn't appear to be functional. Way to go dumbass stink trout, guess your second set of hanging lips was just a hip decoration, which is about as cool as a spoiler on a Honda. Meaning not cool at all, ugly. And now Olberding plans on having you smoked and eaten. Hope Clarence enjoys the pesticides and mercury that was coursing through your veins that obviously created your malformed body. Oh and by the way, fuck you.
Double Snake!
I guess horrible anomalies come in twos. This double-headed albino rat snake has got grotesque written all over it. And listen up snakey, I don't want you getting a big heads just because an aquarium purchased you for 15,000 and is placing you on eBay at a starting bid of 150 thousand. It's a sick world and there are just freaky people out there who want you writhing in a glass tank for shits and giggles. You're nothing more than a lava lamp, something to add pizazz to a refurnished basement. You remind me of a push-me-pull-you except a lot less furry and cute and a lot more horrifying. I hope you two are someday able to be seperated. Forcibly by a taffy puller.
5 Legged Calf!
Ew. That best sums up this little monstrosity. This 5-legged, 6-hooved calf was born on a ranch in New Mexico. If the 5th leg wasn't bad enough you had to throw on an extra hoof, didn't you? What, didn't have enough room for a third eyeball you stupid, multi-limbed heifer? I've never seen a calf with a built in kick stand before. That's really going to deter the cow tipping when you grow up, unless of course they push from the right. I'm only kidding with you, give me five. Or is it five and a half? Or better yet go fuck yourself and your need for polylimbed existence. And yes, I needed to invent the word polylimbed since there is no name for whatever fucking disorder you so ardently wish to live with.
Cycloptic Kitten!
I prayed that this was photoshopped somehow, however it's all to real. Here we have a photo of Cy, a kitten born with one eye. His name, short for cyclopes (apparently his owners were about as creative as he is normal), was given at birth. Unfortunately for you Cy you didn't live much after that since you also didn't have a nose. Way to go genius, guess your plan for being an attention grabbing mutant didn't include having a clear pathway for air. Kittens really are adorable aren't they? I look forward to seeing you in the next Wes Craven film playing the part of living nightmare. You've guaranteed me several nights of restless sleep and for that I condemn you.
Well that is all I've got to say to you repulsive wastes of life. But don't let this get to you to much. Just to show you I am not all bad here is an inspirational poster that applies to you all, and hopefully gives you a positive and accurate outlook.
Jay Runner wrote this piece of shit at 7:56 PM
3 Horrible Comments:
I like that forks picture.
your a good kid,dont get hung up
keep a smile on your face
and a song in your big heart.
I wish you well
Neil C
The genetic anomaly that causes cycloptic creatures also causes them to be a vegetable since the frontal lobe of the brain does not develop. So whether or not it can breathe is sadly not all that important. The poor kitty would not last long because it could not eat or interact in any way that would aid its survival.
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