Reuben Tells You Why Your Favorite Movie Sucks: Hostel
Let me tell you all a little story. One day, ‘Kill Bill’ director and professional raving lunatic Quentin Tarantino and ‘Cabin Fever’ director and fellow professional raving lunatic Eli Roth decided to make a movie. The lovechild they ended up spewing out was the film ‘Hostel’ and boy did it suck the nut.
In a related story, I have decided to keep my raving lunatic status as amateur so as to keep my Olympic eligibility. You agents can stop calling me now.
Well if the agents aren’t the ones calling then what are those voices I hear?
Enough with the foreplay, you came for the good stuff.
1. Wading In The Shallow End
Story so weak chemo patients could beat it in a cage match. Characters so dull classic C-SPAN looks more enjoyable. To delve into the contents of the movie would not only ruin the story for you, but would also give merit to the movie as being more complex than one sentence can provide, which is not true. Much like Titanic, which could be described simply as ‘the boat sank,’ ‘Hostel’ can easily be summed up as a story about two Americans on a European road trip who get tortured. Not really any good plot twists. And let me tell you about the one dimensional characters. The introverted naïve virgin, his friend the excitable west coast hipster, the wacky euro-pop happy go lucky goof, the creepy old guy with homosexual tendencies, the list goes on. No original thought, no development, just lots of graphic sex and violence. Boy, hard to see how this is a Tarantino project.
2. The Greatest 32 Minutes In Film History
Okay, that’s some overstatement there, but the first 32 minutes of Hostel were fucking awesome. Actually, it was mostly just fucking. There were hot women topless in saunas, high and drunk party chicks showing everything, a couple having sex in the background of one scene for no reason. It was pretty sweet. Just gratuitous nudity from wall to wall. I needed to crack a window it was so pungent. It was awesome.
3. The Worst 63 Minutes In Film History.
That one isn’t overstatement. People’s heads and fingers and shit getting chopped off without warning, completely unoriginal and uninspired dialogue, creepy gangs of kids for no reason, plot twists that make absolutely no sense. This movie took a nose dive. It makes me queasy just thinking about it. Not the gore and blood, but the ill-conceived notion that this film would be enjoyable to anyone. It’s offensive to me as a viewer that anyone would think that it would be a good movie.
4. Déjà Vu All Over Again
Remember Euro Trip? Same movie, but this one is not as funny. Almost, but not quite. I understand that Hollywood has run out of ideas, but this is ridiculous. Much like the classic films ‘Fail Safe’ and ‘Dr. Strangelove: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb,’ this film takes from a comedy released a few years earlier and makes it into a dark glimpse of the human unconsciousness. But whereas ‘Fail Safe’ was a great movie, ‘Hostel’ was, well, not so much. Roth should start to learn to love the bomb.
Other than perfect fodder for Mystery Science Theatre 3000, this movie defied physics by blowing and sucking at the same time. No redeeming qualities whatsoever (after the first half hour, I mean).
I told you to stop calling already, so leave me alone!
In a related story, I have decided to keep my raving lunatic status as amateur so as to keep my Olympic eligibility. You agents can stop calling me now.
Well if the agents aren’t the ones calling then what are those voices I hear?
Enough with the foreplay, you came for the good stuff.
1. Wading In The Shallow End
Story so weak chemo patients could beat it in a cage match. Characters so dull classic C-SPAN looks more enjoyable. To delve into the contents of the movie would not only ruin the story for you, but would also give merit to the movie as being more complex than one sentence can provide, which is not true. Much like Titanic, which could be described simply as ‘the boat sank,’ ‘Hostel’ can easily be summed up as a story about two Americans on a European road trip who get tortured. Not really any good plot twists. And let me tell you about the one dimensional characters. The introverted naïve virgin, his friend the excitable west coast hipster, the wacky euro-pop happy go lucky goof, the creepy old guy with homosexual tendencies, the list goes on. No original thought, no development, just lots of graphic sex and violence. Boy, hard to see how this is a Tarantino project.
2. The Greatest 32 Minutes In Film History
Okay, that’s some overstatement there, but the first 32 minutes of Hostel were fucking awesome. Actually, it was mostly just fucking. There were hot women topless in saunas, high and drunk party chicks showing everything, a couple having sex in the background of one scene for no reason. It was pretty sweet. Just gratuitous nudity from wall to wall. I needed to crack a window it was so pungent. It was awesome.
3. The Worst 63 Minutes In Film History.
That one isn’t overstatement. People’s heads and fingers and shit getting chopped off without warning, completely unoriginal and uninspired dialogue, creepy gangs of kids for no reason, plot twists that make absolutely no sense. This movie took a nose dive. It makes me queasy just thinking about it. Not the gore and blood, but the ill-conceived notion that this film would be enjoyable to anyone. It’s offensive to me as a viewer that anyone would think that it would be a good movie.
4. Déjà Vu All Over Again
Remember Euro Trip? Same movie, but this one is not as funny. Almost, but not quite. I understand that Hollywood has run out of ideas, but this is ridiculous. Much like the classic films ‘Fail Safe’ and ‘Dr. Strangelove: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb,’ this film takes from a comedy released a few years earlier and makes it into a dark glimpse of the human unconsciousness. But whereas ‘Fail Safe’ was a great movie, ‘Hostel’ was, well, not so much. Roth should start to learn to love the bomb.
Other than perfect fodder for Mystery Science Theatre 3000, this movie defied physics by blowing and sucking at the same time. No redeeming qualities whatsoever (after the first half hour, I mean).
I told you to stop calling already, so leave me alone!
reubs wrote this piece of shit at 3:16 AM
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