The Gift Of Beard
I am very stressed by many recent trends in popular culture but one supersedes the rest. It has seeped into all classes and creeds of our great nation and may soon infect the whole planet. The problem most worrisome to me is not the India/Pakistan conflict or the Alito hearings or even the over/under on the Seahawks-Panthers game (but baby does need a new pair of shoes). No, the issue of the highest importance to me is this: beardlessness.
As you know, facial hair February is coming up in the very near future, a fact that has not been recognized by the government no matter how many times I call them (and who have been suspiciously unmustachioed and beardless since the 1950s). The NFL has started the hairy face festivities early with quarterbacks Jake Plummer and Ben Roethlisberger having both gone mountain man style with their scraggly ass chinstraps
(which is another reason why I care less about the NFC game and more about the AFC; c'mon, pappa wants a new car). As a proud beard wearer (I’m half Greek half Jewish, I stood no chance; I even shaved this morning and it refuses to leave) I would like to take this opportunity to convince you of the need for facial follicles in our country today.
1. Manliness Incarnate
It’s the step to manhood. It’s the milestone. Well, growing your pubes is too, but more importantly is your first shave. Of course the first person you think of when I say the words ‘manliness’ and ‘beard’ is Chuck Norris. Would you disagree? No, because if you did you’d take a swift roundhouse to the head. In fact he’s the only one I’m going to put in this subset. Chuck Norris = manliness = beard.
2. Leadership In A Can
True leaders have facial hair; it’s a fact of life. Once again, I point to Chuck Norris, but in addition to the great Walker other leaders who have sported the whiskers of champions include God, Jesus, Moses, all of the generals and sergeants in the Civil and Revolutionary Wars, Teddy Roosevelt, Benjamin Harrison, Abraham Lincoln, three fourths of the Beatles (at any given time), Stalin, and Dumbledore. Reagan has nothing on Dumbledore. Know why? Not because he traded guns for hostages in an Alzheimer’s prescription induced haze, but because he had no hair on his chin. His memory would’ve returned forthwith had he just grown a few hairs under his jowls.
3. Skill with a Blade
Once again, Chuck Norris, but two other names spring to mind here as well: Master Splinter and Mr. Miyagi. Both sported the wispy whisker look to perfection. The ninja turtles
would have sucked without Splinter just as the karate kid (and the next one) would have sucked too. The highlander had nothing on those guys (that clean shaven prick, Miyagi would have kicked his ass; wax on, brother, wax on). Other great swordsmen with the fuzzy faces include Blackbeard, Jack Sparrow, pretty much everybody from Lord of the Rings, and Raz Al Gul from the latest Batman (which rocked my face off). Of course, skill with an axe is associated closely with the facial locks too, as seen most clearly with Gimli (from Lord of the Rings) and ZZ Top.
4. Hair Brains
How could you argue with Socrates, the three wise men (they’ve got wise right in the name!), Gandalf, Peter Jackson, Steven Spielberg, and The Dude from ‘Big Lebowski?’ What’s the best you got? Steven Hawking? Please, that douche on wheels couldn’t hold a candle to The Dude (mostly because he can’t hold a candle at all, freaking cripple; why can’t you stop trying to explain the universe and try to invent a way to move your pinky?).
Case in point: Howard Lederer made the final table in the main event at the WSOP the first year he entered. He had a beard that year. He no longer has one. He hasn’t made the final table since.
5. The Comedy ‘Stache
Everybody knows that the one way to guarantee laughs is the comedy ‘stache. The casts of Anchorman, Wedding Crashers, Dodgeball, Starsky and Hutch, and many more films use them, plus characters of comedic genius like Silent Bob, Peter Griffin (for that one episode where he had the nest of birds in it), Yosemite Sam, and Shaggy from Scooby Doo.
Great comedians like George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Steven Wright, Mitch Hedberg, Billy Connolly, Eddie Izzard, Rip Taylor, and almost every ventriloquist ever utilize a beard or mustache of some kind. Coincidence? I think not.
6. Free Mustache Rides
Perhaps the most notable use of facial hair in history is to that of the porn industry. The porn ‘stache is an entity all its own, autonomous from every other kind of follicle fad. It has never been duplicated in its mastery of representing an era (but the disco handlebar came close). The mustache represents sexual prowess. Once again, see Chuck Norris.
Get ready for facial hair February. And mutton chops March.
Wax on.
As you know, facial hair February is coming up in the very near future, a fact that has not been recognized by the government no matter how many times I call them (and who have been suspiciously unmustachioed and beardless since the 1950s). The NFL has started the hairy face festivities early with quarterbacks Jake Plummer and Ben Roethlisberger having both gone mountain man style with their scraggly ass chinstraps
(which is another reason why I care less about the NFC game and more about the AFC; c'mon, pappa wants a new car). As a proud beard wearer (I’m half Greek half Jewish, I stood no chance; I even shaved this morning and it refuses to leave) I would like to take this opportunity to convince you of the need for facial follicles in our country today.1. Manliness Incarnate
It’s the step to manhood. It’s the milestone. Well, growing your pubes is too, but more importantly is your first shave. Of course the first person you think of when I say the words ‘manliness’ and ‘beard’ is Chuck Norris. Would you disagree? No, because if you did you’d take a swift roundhouse to the head. In fact he’s the only one I’m going to put in this subset. Chuck Norris = manliness = beard.
2. Leadership In A Can
True leaders have facial hair; it’s a fact of life. Once again, I point to Chuck Norris, but in addition to the great Walker other leaders who have sported the whiskers of champions include God, Jesus, Moses, all of the generals and sergeants in the Civil and Revolutionary Wars, Teddy Roosevelt, Benjamin Harrison, Abraham Lincoln, three fourths of the Beatles (at any given time), Stalin, and Dumbledore. Reagan has nothing on Dumbledore. Know why? Not because he traded guns for hostages in an Alzheimer’s prescription induced haze, but because he had no hair on his chin. His memory would’ve returned forthwith had he just grown a few hairs under his jowls.
3. Skill with a Blade
Once again, Chuck Norris, but two other names spring to mind here as well: Master Splinter and Mr. Miyagi. Both sported the wispy whisker look to perfection. The ninja turtles
would have sucked without Splinter just as the karate kid (and the next one) would have sucked too. The highlander had nothing on those guys (that clean shaven prick, Miyagi would have kicked his ass; wax on, brother, wax on). Other great swordsmen with the fuzzy faces include Blackbeard, Jack Sparrow, pretty much everybody from Lord of the Rings, and Raz Al Gul from the latest Batman (which rocked my face off). Of course, skill with an axe is associated closely with the facial locks too, as seen most clearly with Gimli (from Lord of the Rings) and ZZ Top.4. Hair Brains
How could you argue with Socrates, the three wise men (they’ve got wise right in the name!), Gandalf, Peter Jackson, Steven Spielberg, and The Dude from ‘Big Lebowski?’ What’s the best you got? Steven Hawking? Please, that douche on wheels couldn’t hold a candle to The Dude (mostly because he can’t hold a candle at all, freaking cripple; why can’t you stop trying to explain the universe and try to invent a way to move your pinky?).
Case in point: Howard Lederer made the final table in the main event at the WSOP the first year he entered. He had a beard that year. He no longer has one. He hasn’t made the final table since.5. The Comedy ‘Stache
Everybody knows that the one way to guarantee laughs is the comedy ‘stache. The casts of Anchorman, Wedding Crashers, Dodgeball, Starsky and Hutch, and many more films use them, plus characters of comedic genius like Silent Bob, Peter Griffin (for that one episode where he had the nest of birds in it), Yosemite Sam, and Shaggy from Scooby Doo.
Great comedians like George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Steven Wright, Mitch Hedberg, Billy Connolly, Eddie Izzard, Rip Taylor, and almost every ventriloquist ever utilize a beard or mustache of some kind. Coincidence? I think not.6. Free Mustache Rides
Perhaps the most notable use of facial hair in history is to that of the porn industry. The porn ‘stache is an entity all its own, autonomous from every other kind of follicle fad. It has never been duplicated in its mastery of representing an era (but the disco handlebar came close). The mustache represents sexual prowess. Once again, see Chuck Norris.
Get ready for facial hair February. And mutton chops March.
Wax on.
reubs wrote this piece of shit at 7:07 AM
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