Why Your Stories Suck: Beer, Sleep, and Basic Cable

I feel like I shouldn't have to explain this to people, but apparently you're all retarded so here's a refresher course on acceptable behavior.

There are three ways you should never start a story. The first is, 'so I was drinking the other night...' because every one thinks that they have good drunk stories. Not just good drunk stories but the drunk stories to end all drunk stories. This is incorrect. We all have the same drunk stories. Funny shit happens when you inbibe alcohol (or when people drink alcohol and you cross paths), but I don't regale you with stories about it. That's stupid. Unless you personally woke up handcuffed to a goat and a bike rack wearing a birthday hat and missing a sock (but not a shoe) then I don't want to hear about it.

The second is, 'listen to this dream I had...' because the correct translation of that sentence is, 'this didn't happen, now listen to me talk about it as if it did for the next fifteen minutes.' No, really, the snake almost got me, but luckily the pirate ship was right there so I got back to the candy canes. Fantastic, I'm gonna stab myself in the temple now.

Third, and most important, is the ever popular, 'I saw this scene from this TV show...' Stop. Just stop. I even try to do this one occasionally but it never works. Ever. This one always ends with the story teller realizing that the audience doesn't think it's funny and then saying, 'I guess you had to be there.' No shit, that's why it's in television format and not chain letter. I don't think the original authors of the script were putting any thought into what the story would sound like as told by you and if they did they would have destroyed every existing copy.

We clear? Good. Now go about your business.

Also, the three of us are doing stand up comedy on Friday around midnight. Talk to us for more info.