The Winter Olympics Sure Are Horrible
Much like La Nina and the midterm elections, the Winter Olympics are back, albeit with much less fanfare than their more famous counterparts. (boy I love that El Nino) I don't usually watch, but they're here so why the fuck not make fun of 'em.
Much like ice dancing, I will grade each sport on a scale up to 6. Since it seems the judges never go below 5 so as not to hurt the feelings of the skaters, neither will I. Unless they really suck.
1. Figure Skating
The outfits! The dancing! The bribery of the judges! The drama of watching them leap and not know whether they're going to land the triple lutz safely or crack a vertibrae! Of course, this is the most popular of the Winter Olympic sports. When you have all of the women as well as all of the gay men watching, it's no wonder. The big news at this Olympics is that Michelle Kwan has dropped out because of a groin injury. (insert flexible athelete/sexually inappropriate groin injury joke here) Many in the ice skating community thought she shouldn't have been on the team in the first place becasue she was too old. At this time I submit my opinion that any sport that you are too old for at 25 is also bull shit. Another big news item is the discussion among the Olympic community that judging in the games may still be skewed, as it was in the last Olympics when someone paid a French judge to alter the scores. I still think it was the Germans. Can never trust those Germans. At this time I submit my opinion that any sport that is scored by judges is bullshit. Just putting that out there.
The Horrible Judge gives it a 5.47 (out of 6)
2. Hockey
Do you believe in miracles? Not since the NHL went on lockout for a year or so. Everybody lost interest. And with this gambling debacle hanging over the defending champion Canadian team's general manager Mr. Gretzky (even though he seemingly did nothing wrong) NBC is going to lord that over our heads for the next 2 weeks. I like hockey. It's fun to watch. Plus there's nothing like a Dutchman beating the crap out of an Italian for no reason other than a little hip check. (I say the Germans put him up to it)
The Horrible Judge gives it a 5.84
3. Women's Hockey
Less people care about women's hockey than women's basketball. Enough said.
The Horrible Judge gives it a 5.21
4. Curling
I don't know why I love the curling. It has everything I hate about the Winter Olympics. Slow paced action. Arcane rules and completely nonsensical scoring system. Canadian color commentators. Plus it's shuffleboard on ice. Come on. I should hate this. But...
The Horrible Judge gives it a 5.58
5. Downhill Skiing
What say you and I get off the ice for a little while? Downhill skiing is a good one. Very exciting. Any sport in which a guy can accidentally lose control and fly 50 feet directly sideways is a favorite of mine. One of the big stories of the Olympics is the comments of American Skier Bode Miller about the performance enhancing drugs of people like Lance Armstrong and Barry Bonds, as well as his comments regarding skiing downhill drunk. Anything that will add to the bodycount I'm all for. (well, I guess we've found that I'm a sadistic bastard, but there's just nothing like a head wound on my TV)
The Horrible Judge gives it a 5.69
6. Skull/Luge
Let's combine these because they're the same damn thing. Luge is basically putting a skate in your ass and sliding down a bobsled chute at 80 mph. And for those who don't think luge is intense enough, some guy thought to himself, 'what if i luge face forward?' I can't go down the waterslides at Wyandot Lake face forward, but these guys can go the speed of a fast moving car down an rock hard ice slide wearing nothing but a full body scuba outfit? That's bullshit. But any sport where serious blade-to-face harm is likely is good. (again, sadism) These ones are less exciting though because of the inherent homosexuality of the two-man versions of both games. Plus the Germans usually do well in these events.
The Horrible Judge gives it a 5.45
7. Cross Country Skiing/Biathlon
Cross country skiing sucks. It's like watching power walking on two-by-fours. Biathlon is just Scandinavian drive-by. This one sucks too.
The Horrible Judge gives it a 5.33
I guess that's about it. I'm not watching any of these anyway. I have more important things to attend to, like playing Shaq-Fu on my SNES.
Damn Germans.
Much like ice dancing, I will grade each sport on a scale up to 6. Since it seems the judges never go below 5 so as not to hurt the feelings of the skaters, neither will I. Unless they really suck.
1. Figure Skating
The outfits! The dancing! The bribery of the judges! The drama of watching them leap and not know whether they're going to land the triple lutz safely or crack a vertibrae! Of course, this is the most popular of the Winter Olympic sports. When you have all of the women as well as all of the gay men watching, it's no wonder. The big news at this Olympics is that Michelle Kwan has dropped out because of a groin injury. (insert flexible athelete/sexually inappropriate groin injury joke here) Many in the ice skating community thought she shouldn't have been on the team in the first place becasue she was too old. At this time I submit my opinion that any sport that you are too old for at 25 is also bull shit. Another big news item is the discussion among the Olympic community that judging in the games may still be skewed, as it was in the last Olympics when someone paid a French judge to alter the scores. I still think it was the Germans. Can never trust those Germans. At this time I submit my opinion that any sport that is scored by judges is bullshit. Just putting that out there.
The Horrible Judge gives it a 5.47 (out of 6)
2. Hockey
Do you believe in miracles? Not since the NHL went on lockout for a year or so. Everybody lost interest. And with this gambling debacle hanging over the defending champion Canadian team's general manager Mr. Gretzky (even though he seemingly did nothing wrong) NBC is going to lord that over our heads for the next 2 weeks. I like hockey. It's fun to watch. Plus there's nothing like a Dutchman beating the crap out of an Italian for no reason other than a little hip check. (I say the Germans put him up to it)
The Horrible Judge gives it a 5.84
3. Women's Hockey
Less people care about women's hockey than women's basketball. Enough said.
The Horrible Judge gives it a 5.21
4. Curling
I don't know why I love the curling. It has everything I hate about the Winter Olympics. Slow paced action. Arcane rules and completely nonsensical scoring system. Canadian color commentators. Plus it's shuffleboard on ice. Come on. I should hate this. But...
The Horrible Judge gives it a 5.58
5. Downhill Skiing
What say you and I get off the ice for a little while? Downhill skiing is a good one. Very exciting. Any sport in which a guy can accidentally lose control and fly 50 feet directly sideways is a favorite of mine. One of the big stories of the Olympics is the comments of American Skier Bode Miller about the performance enhancing drugs of people like Lance Armstrong and Barry Bonds, as well as his comments regarding skiing downhill drunk. Anything that will add to the bodycount I'm all for. (well, I guess we've found that I'm a sadistic bastard, but there's just nothing like a head wound on my TV)
The Horrible Judge gives it a 5.69
6. Skull/Luge
Let's combine these because they're the same damn thing. Luge is basically putting a skate in your ass and sliding down a bobsled chute at 80 mph. And for those who don't think luge is intense enough, some guy thought to himself, 'what if i luge face forward?' I can't go down the waterslides at Wyandot Lake face forward, but these guys can go the speed of a fast moving car down an rock hard ice slide wearing nothing but a full body scuba outfit? That's bullshit. But any sport where serious blade-to-face harm is likely is good. (again, sadism) These ones are less exciting though because of the inherent homosexuality of the two-man versions of both games. Plus the Germans usually do well in these events.
The Horrible Judge gives it a 5.45
7. Cross Country Skiing/Biathlon
Cross country skiing sucks. It's like watching power walking on two-by-fours. Biathlon is just Scandinavian drive-by. This one sucks too.
The Horrible Judge gives it a 5.33
I guess that's about it. I'm not watching any of these anyway. I have more important things to attend to, like playing Shaq-Fu on my SNES.
Damn Germans.
reubs wrote this piece of shit at 4:57 AM
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