Reuben tells you why your Favorite Music sucks, Part IV: Fergie
Usually I like to put some time in between 'Reuben Tells' you why so-and-so sucks posts. Wait a few months to recharge the ol' batteries, you know. But after seeing her latest video, I just couldn't wait for this one. Fergie sucks.
Why, you ask? Let me count the ways:
1. Dear Christ, my ears!
You know, I used to like Fergie. No joke. I thought she had a good voice and was a nice counterbalance to the other members of the Black Eyes Peas. But now? Whenever her songs (and I use 'songs' loosely here) come on MTV it reminds me of a drunk sorority chick with whiskey voice trying to sing her songs. It's like the old B.E.P. Fergie Voice took a shit and this new voice was in the stool. Moving on.
2. How come every time I come around this goddamn song is on TV?
If you've heard this song and are now trying to avoid it at all costs you know what I mean. I have a theory 'London Bridge' is on at least one of the MTV channels at all times. I'm almost as sick of this mish-mash of crappy faux-drums and stereotypical English imagery as I am of that song by Celine Dion that they wouldn't stop playing for a year and a half.
3. Fergie-scusting
If you though 'London Bridge' was bad wait 'til you hear 'Fergielicious.' Dear Lord. And I don't just mean the auditory aspects of the new single from hell, I also mean the visuals. This video destroys everything that I hold near and dear: candy, bright shiny colors, women in skimpy outfits, gymnastics, women in skimpy girl scout uniforms, cookies, women in skimpy bikinis painted like tigers, you get the idea. I used to love all those things. Now, not so much. It's amazing how a terrible song can make you hate everything associated with it.
4. Remember when she was hot?
I know I do. I guess that's the magic of make-up and computers nowadays. Just look at these paparazzi photos:
Ugh! A face like a ventriloquist's doll, only less lifelike. Seriously, put the make-up back on and then edit that shit to make her look good again.
Ah, much better. It's almost as if she's actually hot. And talented.
Almost.
Why, you ask? Let me count the ways:
1. Dear Christ, my ears!
You know, I used to like Fergie. No joke. I thought she had a good voice and was a nice counterbalance to the other members of the Black Eyes Peas. But now? Whenever her songs (and I use 'songs' loosely here) come on MTV it reminds me of a drunk sorority chick with whiskey voice trying to sing her songs. It's like the old B.E.P. Fergie Voice took a shit and this new voice was in the stool. Moving on.
2. How come every time I come around this goddamn song is on TV?
If you've heard this song and are now trying to avoid it at all costs you know what I mean. I have a theory 'London Bridge' is on at least one of the MTV channels at all times. I'm almost as sick of this mish-mash of crappy faux-drums and stereotypical English imagery as I am of that song by Celine Dion that they wouldn't stop playing for a year and a half.
3. Fergie-scusting
If you though 'London Bridge' was bad wait 'til you hear 'Fergielicious.' Dear Lord. And I don't just mean the auditory aspects of the new single from hell, I also mean the visuals. This video destroys everything that I hold near and dear: candy, bright shiny colors, women in skimpy outfits, gymnastics, women in skimpy girl scout uniforms, cookies, women in skimpy bikinis painted like tigers, you get the idea. I used to love all those things. Now, not so much. It's amazing how a terrible song can make you hate everything associated with it.
4. Remember when she was hot?
I know I do. I guess that's the magic of make-up and computers nowadays. Just look at these paparazzi photos:
Ugh! A face like a ventriloquist's doll, only less lifelike. Seriously, put the make-up back on and then edit that shit to make her look good again.
Ah, much better. It's almost as if she's actually hot. And talented.
Almost.
reubs wrote this piece of shit at 5:02 AM
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