How to Have a Horrible Halloween
It's that time of year again. There's a brisk chill in the air, you've started to be able to see your breath, and that geeky kid who lives in the room down the hall has started to brag about the kick-ass Optimus Prime costume he's attempting to make out of cardboard and duct tape. This can only mean one thing, people: Halloween is this coming weekend.
With less than 168 hours until the festivities start here at Ohio University next Saturday night (I'll wait for you to do that math), it seems only appropriate that, as we did last year, we at Horrible People give out some helpful hints for our readers to survive this Halloween.
Horrible Hint #1: Avoid this year's Cliche Costume
Two years ago, the cliche costumes were Napoleon Dynamite, Johnny Damon and pimps. Last year, The King (of Burger King fame), Li'l Jon and referees were the most popular. Avoid getting caught in the costume du jour at all costs! Not only will you appear to be completely void of creativity, but you will look like a douche bag. Seriously, if every third person is a referee, you get tired of whistles. So what should you avoid dressing up as this year? Here's a few on the watch list:
Ted Ginn, Jr. - Mostly for people who live in Ohio to worry about. No easier costume on the planet, just a #7 OSU jersey and bam! Instant costume. Definetly a no-no within 250 miles of the Horseshoe.
Warcraft Characters - The online sensation and the hugely popular South Park episode based on the game combine to create a costume to be avoided. The difficulty of getting a 5 foot broadsword past security might hamper the popularity of this one, so try it at your own risk.
Anything having to do with Puns - Stay away from the First Class Male, Deviled Egg, One Nightstand, etc. I love puns as much as the next guy, but the next guy I see dressed as a ketchup bottle that says 'Hold Me' (hold the ketchup, get it?) I am going to have to shoot in the kneecap. The fact that Captain Morgan has been advertising such costumes means they'll be doubly popular this year. Stay far away from these ones.
Flavor Flav - Viking Helmet + Clock Necklace. Enough said.
Horrible Hint #2: The Buddy System
It's not just for the deep end of the pool anymore. When you wear a costume that matches with one other person or many others you've got costume gold. Mario and Luigi are always high on this list, but why not get creative? Abbot and Costello perhaps. Too old school? Maybe a knight and a nemesis dragon battling for a princess, or how about Neil Everett and Scott Van Pelt of SportsCenter stardom. Why not grab that black/white friend (whichever race you ain't) of yours and go as Bacardi and Cola? They get the job done! Any of these could work to your advantage. Plan with caution, however, because no one is going to care about just one of the kids from Kriss Kross.
Horrible Hint #3: Plan for the Weather
It's going to be cold. It always is. It might rain. It might snow. You might step in police horse shit. So be prepared for the worst. Remember, water doesn't just come from the sky on Halloween. It also comes from the red plastic cup in the form of Nati that the drunks are carrying around as well, and rest assured that you will get spilled on. Many times. So remeber: dress in layers underneath that Ninja Turtle shell, or better yet go as something that is accustomed for cold weather. How about Na-Na and Po-Po, the Ice Climbers? What, too gay? Dress for the weather even if you don't get the NES reference. Also, waterproofing your cardboard/paint/whatever else isn't that big of a deal if you want to look like what you're dressed as after it starts drizzling. A side note: this pretty much just goes for guys, as the women will be skantily clad no matter what thier costumes are. Hey, sexy Na-Na and Po-Po...
Well that's what I have for you this year, folks. Happy Halloween, and good trick or treating to you.
What's that you say? What am I going to be this Halloween? I'll give you a hint: Remember that geeky kid who lives down the hall?
With less than 168 hours until the festivities start here at Ohio University next Saturday night (I'll wait for you to do that math), it seems only appropriate that, as we did last year, we at Horrible People give out some helpful hints for our readers to survive this Halloween.
Horrible Hint #1: Avoid this year's Cliche Costume
Two years ago, the cliche costumes were Napoleon Dynamite, Johnny Damon and pimps. Last year, The King (of Burger King fame), Li'l Jon and referees were the most popular. Avoid getting caught in the costume du jour at all costs! Not only will you appear to be completely void of creativity, but you will look like a douche bag. Seriously, if every third person is a referee, you get tired of whistles. So what should you avoid dressing up as this year? Here's a few on the watch list:
Ted Ginn, Jr. - Mostly for people who live in Ohio to worry about. No easier costume on the planet, just a #7 OSU jersey and bam! Instant costume. Definetly a no-no within 250 miles of the Horseshoe.
Warcraft Characters - The online sensation and the hugely popular South Park episode based on the game combine to create a costume to be avoided. The difficulty of getting a 5 foot broadsword past security might hamper the popularity of this one, so try it at your own risk.
Anything having to do with Puns - Stay away from the First Class Male, Deviled Egg, One Nightstand, etc. I love puns as much as the next guy, but the next guy I see dressed as a ketchup bottle that says 'Hold Me' (hold the ketchup, get it?) I am going to have to shoot in the kneecap. The fact that Captain Morgan has been advertising such costumes means they'll be doubly popular this year. Stay far away from these ones.
Flavor Flav - Viking Helmet + Clock Necklace. Enough said.
Horrible Hint #2: The Buddy System
It's not just for the deep end of the pool anymore. When you wear a costume that matches with one other person or many others you've got costume gold. Mario and Luigi are always high on this list, but why not get creative? Abbot and Costello perhaps. Too old school? Maybe a knight and a nemesis dragon battling for a princess, or how about Neil Everett and Scott Van Pelt of SportsCenter stardom. Why not grab that black/white friend (whichever race you ain't) of yours and go as Bacardi and Cola? They get the job done! Any of these could work to your advantage. Plan with caution, however, because no one is going to care about just one of the kids from Kriss Kross.
Horrible Hint #3: Plan for the Weather
It's going to be cold. It always is. It might rain. It might snow. You might step in police horse shit. So be prepared for the worst. Remember, water doesn't just come from the sky on Halloween. It also comes from the red plastic cup in the form of Nati that the drunks are carrying around as well, and rest assured that you will get spilled on. Many times. So remeber: dress in layers underneath that Ninja Turtle shell, or better yet go as something that is accustomed for cold weather. How about Na-Na and Po-Po, the Ice Climbers? What, too gay? Dress for the weather even if you don't get the NES reference. Also, waterproofing your cardboard/paint/whatever else isn't that big of a deal if you want to look like what you're dressed as after it starts drizzling. A side note: this pretty much just goes for guys, as the women will be skantily clad no matter what thier costumes are. Hey, sexy Na-Na and Po-Po...
Well that's what I have for you this year, folks. Happy Halloween, and good trick or treating to you.
What's that you say? What am I going to be this Halloween? I'll give you a hint: Remember that geeky kid who lives down the hall?
reubs wrote this piece of shit at 3:17 AM
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