Affirmative Action Be Damned
There is only so much the majority can take before they feel their rights are being infringed. I can no longer stand by and tolerate a certain group that takes American freedom and runs wild. This subhuman class makes my blood boil and sight turn red, all while they are living with complete disregard for the rest of us here at Ohio University. I don't care if I sound like a bigot, it is time for someone to stand up. Affirmative action be damned, I will not allow protection for this group, let alone special attention.
The disgraceful people I am talking about? None other than the awful campus unicyclists. You heard me right, these wobbling one wheeled riders have outstyaed their welcome and more important their novelty factor.
Imagine an eight foot drunk in mid day. He stumbles through a dense crowd, arms flailing in a pathetic attempt to maintain balance. People try to ignore him but all he does is shout "I'm comming through" while he falters forward. In any sane society a miserable creature like this would not be tolerated, yet those who ride unicycles are. They cant even ride them well. Precariously perched on one wheel the tipsy riders roll by and expect us to get out of the way. If you're late for a class just run or at the least use two wheels you commie. Furthermore it doesnt make you special. Ive seen the Pet Stars on Animal Planet hosted by the wildly talented Mario Lopez. A chimp was riding a unicycle, and unlike the student manned variety down here the chimp had control over it.
Additionaly I dont want to be blamed for any harm that comes from these sideshow rejects when I have the urge to body check them as they fly past. I easily revert back to my childhood pro wrestling fan days and dream of throwing out a stiff clothesline right to the throat. Now more than likely I would get blamed and arrested for assault. But anyone reading this knows if placed in a concrete room with an aluminum bat and Paris Hilton they are not responsible for the consequences. Such is the temptation for attacking these goofy bastards bopping up and down on their half Huffy's. From now on if I see someone on a unicycle and they aren't in a clown suit or juggling I consider them fair game. And there are more than enough loose brick walkways here in Athens to back me up.
There isnt a judge in the world who'd convict me. Unless of course his last name was Barnum or Bailey. But I'll play the numbers game and take my chances in this instance.
(Extra points for you more debased readers that took the Paris Hilton scenario in a sexual direction)
The disgraceful people I am talking about? None other than the awful campus unicyclists. You heard me right, these wobbling one wheeled riders have outstyaed their welcome and more important their novelty factor.
Imagine an eight foot drunk in mid day. He stumbles through a dense crowd, arms flailing in a pathetic attempt to maintain balance. People try to ignore him but all he does is shout "I'm comming through" while he falters forward. In any sane society a miserable creature like this would not be tolerated, yet those who ride unicycles are. They cant even ride them well. Precariously perched on one wheel the tipsy riders roll by and expect us to get out of the way. If you're late for a class just run or at the least use two wheels you commie. Furthermore it doesnt make you special. Ive seen the Pet Stars on Animal Planet hosted by the wildly talented Mario Lopez. A chimp was riding a unicycle, and unlike the student manned variety down here the chimp had control over it.
Additionaly I dont want to be blamed for any harm that comes from these sideshow rejects when I have the urge to body check them as they fly past. I easily revert back to my childhood pro wrestling fan days and dream of throwing out a stiff clothesline right to the throat. Now more than likely I would get blamed and arrested for assault. But anyone reading this knows if placed in a concrete room with an aluminum bat and Paris Hilton they are not responsible for the consequences. Such is the temptation for attacking these goofy bastards bopping up and down on their half Huffy's. From now on if I see someone on a unicycle and they aren't in a clown suit or juggling I consider them fair game. And there are more than enough loose brick walkways here in Athens to back me up.
There isnt a judge in the world who'd convict me. Unless of course his last name was Barnum or Bailey. But I'll play the numbers game and take my chances in this instance.
(Extra points for you more debased readers that took the Paris Hilton scenario in a sexual direction)
Jay Runner wrote this piece of shit at 9:27 PM
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