Wasn't I Watching SportsCenter?
I could've sworn I was watching SportsCenter a second ago. I don't think I sat on the remote. Was there a glitch in the electrical system?
No, this is still SportsCenter by name, but they're covering things not normally called 'sports' by, let's say, anybody at all. Let's go down the list.
First thing's first, golf has its own channel. It's called 'The Golf Channel.' Get off my TV.
Next, I understand that on ESPN you should cover the Olympics. Even the winter ones. But what is this half assed coverage? I don't know if you've been watching this ridiculous short bus coverage ESPN is passing off as sports journalism, but basically the anchor talks about whatever event is on the prompter and a still photograph of the event pops on the screen. C'mon now, this isn't OJ's closed court room here, this is the fucking Olympic games. We couldn't pack a video camera in the bags, there was only enough room for a disposable? Awful.
Next, since when is Nascar a sport? I know it's extremely popular, I know it's definetly a growing industry, but a sport? Bah! Bah, I say! Sure it's an event, but a sport it is not. Something doesn't qualify as a sport just because it takes five hours to complete and you can gamble on it. If that were the case I would imagine that C-SPAN coverage would be popular (I'm doubling down on H.R. 1445, daddy needs a new suit). Poker is not a sport and is on ESPN, Bass fishing is not a sport and is on ESPN, I rest my case.
The other thing that pisses me off about the whole Nascar thing is the culture that comes along with it. I could make a lot of jokes, but... okay I will. The I.Q. of the average Nascar fan is lower than that of an average avocado. The average Nascar fan can't spell 'avocado.' All they do is turn left. Nascar is the Nemo the clownfish of sporting events (what with the deformed fin and all). If you combined all of the high school GPAs of all the people in the stands of the Coca-Cola 600 it would be lower than their combined BACs. Any sport that has cars moving at extremely high speeds with Budweiser and Crown Royal advertisements on thier sides is hilarious to me. "Hey, there's a Bud ad on that car driving 200 mph. That gives me an idea..."
But let's go back to the bass fishing. The Bassmaster Classic was this week. Yea, I don't care either. Know who won? Yea, I don't care either. Know where it was? Know what the winning total weight was? You get the idea.
This fascination with bass fishing is absurd to me. The fanfare when they do the weigh-ins at the end of the day are really funny too. They tow the fishermen in on thier boats into the amphitheatre they hold this collection of bass fans in and they weigh the fish in and everyone goes nuts. Then they take a bag out of thier boat, and more often than not they pull a fish out of a second container that is far to massive to be contained by a black mesh bag. They then take that fish and grab its lower jaw and hoist it above thier head! "Bow before me, for I am all that is man! I lift this fish in recognition of my masculinity!" Amazingly unbelievable to me, but entertaining nonetheless.
Think you're a big man, huh homes? Okay, let's see how well you do when you and the fish are underwater. Yea, that's right. It's not a home game anymore. An amphitheatre of thousands of bass watching you get hoisted above the head of some fish wearing rubber boots and jeans shorts. That's right, bass jorts! How ya like me now?
One last thing befuddles me about this: How do you be a bass fishing fan? How is it physically possible? There aren't stands, they go out on a lake or something like 50 miles away from the starting off point. There's no group of shirtless frat guys with thier favorite fisherman's nickname spelled across thier chests. Some guy perched in the reeds holding a sign that says, "Everyone knowS that Pete's a bass maN," with the ESPN in acrostic fashion. Doesn't happen.
SportsCenter, I say this to you: you insist on showing the highlights of 'games' and 'events' that do not qualify as sports. You don't show highlights of real sports like soccer, lacrosse, volleyball, or beer pong. Nascar and fishing both lack the most important thing you need to have in order to be a sport: real atheletes. Let's get our definition of what a sport is in order before we start putting clips of professional ballroom dancing and equestrian on ESPN. It's getting out of hand.
Okay, maybe not beer pong. But you have to admit, that would be good TV.
No, this is still SportsCenter by name, but they're covering things not normally called 'sports' by, let's say, anybody at all. Let's go down the list.
First thing's first, golf has its own channel. It's called 'The Golf Channel.' Get off my TV.
Next, I understand that on ESPN you should cover the Olympics. Even the winter ones. But what is this half assed coverage? I don't know if you've been watching this ridiculous short bus coverage ESPN is passing off as sports journalism, but basically the anchor talks about whatever event is on the prompter and a still photograph of the event pops on the screen. C'mon now, this isn't OJ's closed court room here, this is the fucking Olympic games. We couldn't pack a video camera in the bags, there was only enough room for a disposable? Awful.
Next, since when is Nascar a sport? I know it's extremely popular, I know it's definetly a growing industry, but a sport? Bah! Bah, I say! Sure it's an event, but a sport it is not. Something doesn't qualify as a sport just because it takes five hours to complete and you can gamble on it. If that were the case I would imagine that C-SPAN coverage would be popular (I'm doubling down on H.R. 1445, daddy needs a new suit). Poker is not a sport and is on ESPN, Bass fishing is not a sport and is on ESPN, I rest my case.
The other thing that pisses me off about the whole Nascar thing is the culture that comes along with it. I could make a lot of jokes, but... okay I will. The I.Q. of the average Nascar fan is lower than that of an average avocado. The average Nascar fan can't spell 'avocado.' All they do is turn left. Nascar is the Nemo the clownfish of sporting events (what with the deformed fin and all). If you combined all of the high school GPAs of all the people in the stands of the Coca-Cola 600 it would be lower than their combined BACs. Any sport that has cars moving at extremely high speeds with Budweiser and Crown Royal advertisements on thier sides is hilarious to me. "Hey, there's a Bud ad on that car driving 200 mph. That gives me an idea..."
But let's go back to the bass fishing. The Bassmaster Classic was this week. Yea, I don't care either. Know who won? Yea, I don't care either. Know where it was? Know what the winning total weight was? You get the idea.
This fascination with bass fishing is absurd to me. The fanfare when they do the weigh-ins at the end of the day are really funny too. They tow the fishermen in on thier boats into the amphitheatre they hold this collection of bass fans in and they weigh the fish in and everyone goes nuts. Then they take a bag out of thier boat, and more often than not they pull a fish out of a second container that is far to massive to be contained by a black mesh bag. They then take that fish and grab its lower jaw and hoist it above thier head! "Bow before me, for I am all that is man! I lift this fish in recognition of my masculinity!" Amazingly unbelievable to me, but entertaining nonetheless.Think you're a big man, huh homes? Okay, let's see how well you do when you and the fish are underwater. Yea, that's right. It's not a home game anymore. An amphitheatre of thousands of bass watching you get hoisted above the head of some fish wearing rubber boots and jeans shorts. That's right, bass jorts! How ya like me now?
One last thing befuddles me about this: How do you be a bass fishing fan? How is it physically possible? There aren't stands, they go out on a lake or something like 50 miles away from the starting off point. There's no group of shirtless frat guys with thier favorite fisherman's nickname spelled across thier chests. Some guy perched in the reeds holding a sign that says, "Everyone knowS that Pete's a bass maN," with the ESPN in acrostic fashion. Doesn't happen.
SportsCenter, I say this to you: you insist on showing the highlights of 'games' and 'events' that do not qualify as sports. You don't show highlights of real sports like soccer, lacrosse, volleyball, or beer pong. Nascar and fishing both lack the most important thing you need to have in order to be a sport: real atheletes. Let's get our definition of what a sport is in order before we start putting clips of professional ballroom dancing and equestrian on ESPN. It's getting out of hand.
Okay, maybe not beer pong. But you have to admit, that would be good TV.
reubs wrote this piece of shit at 8:16 AM
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