All Your Base are Belong to Us
We can't say they didn't warn us. "The Apocalypse is upon us!" "The end as we know it!" "Repent now!" "Will work for food!"
Maybe not that last one, but the others are pretty acurate. As correctly predicted by countless homeless unshaven pee-ridden guys in Times Square and other metropolitan cesspools, technology is on the verge of taking complete control of all of our lives (moreso than it already has). We are already consumed by cell phones, television, and, most importantly, blogs (we know you love us), but some new products are coming out to finish the job that the trebucher and the Gutenberg press started. So how 'bout a quick rundown of the bits of metal and plastic that will add to the science-fiction hell we are plummeting towards? Sound good? Let's go.
How ridiculous is this Nintendo Wii? I'll wait for you to look at the link. Absurb, right? Well, Nintendo decided to get back in the videojuegos business, and this is their triumphant return. What is it, you ask? First of all, it's pronounced 'we,' as in you and I put together. We, Wii. Got it? Okay. Next, it's a garage door opener attatched via firewire to a vibrator. Did I say vibrator? I meant joystick (though I bet it would be more popular if it were a vibrator). Original it was going to be called 'Revolution,' but the Nintendo heads figured that the Japanese would have trouble with all the Rs and Ls. "Levorution." Doesn't roll of the tongue. Anyway, this will soon consume you all. I know you all need your occasional dose of a new Smash Brothers game.
Other ridiculous Japanese imports? The new Toyota Yaris. Go look it up. Sure, the car looks cool and gets 40 mpg highway, but the commercials are absurb. True, I know nothing about the safety quality or how many cupholders it has, but what I do know is that the commercials are the single greatest 30 seconds of television I have seen since they took the Aqua-Velva commercials off the air. Start your day with a splash! Burst onto the horizon! I digress. The Yaris commercial I like the best is one with what looks like a spider, but has gas pump handles for legs, and it's thorax is a clear gas tank. So this abomination is making its way across the screen when the camera pans out and who do you suppose rolls up? The Yaris. And the spider thing knows some shit is about to go down. It does what any other spider would do: it says 'Rawr!' Trust me, that's what spiders would do if they could. So the gas tank spider is trying to back away and WHAM! It gets fucking run over! That'll teach you to be a spider! Then the Yaris opens its gas tank and drinks the gas from the now quite dead animal's carcass and drives away. Fucking craziest commercial I've ever seen. I'd watch it non-stop if I could. Highly suggested viewing material.
Bluetooth earpieces are also gaining in popularity. I hate this. These things are making me look ridiculous for answering someone's "how's it going?" with a "I'm fine, thanks, how're you," when in fact they're talking into some tiny brightly colored headset. Now I'm the one that looks retarded for being polite. Excuse me, I thought you were taking a chance and asking a complete stranger if they wanted to go get a drink later, but it turns out you're talking to your offensive coordinator up in the booth. My bad. Asshole. One good thing about the Bluetooth crap is that you can be talking to yourself and no one would second guess it. Assuming you have long hair so as to cover your ear (and most crazy people don't cut their hair; they're too busy being fucking insane), you can be having a shouting match with the voices in your head and the business elite that work in the building you sleep in the doorway of will just think that the Mexico City proposal didn't go through as you had planned, when in fact they just told you to kill your parents or rape your dog. Now your out of your gourd, but with 1500 anytime minutes and double the bars!
This brings me to another point I want to make; why can't cell phones have names that make sense? It's either a random series of numbers and letter like LG 3600 or a name some marketing associate made up to sound edgy and cool like Razr, Pebl, Switchback, or Whateverthefuck (that last one is mine; you know you want that phone).
So before we all die from the Terminators and the I, Robots and the Whateverthefucks (it's sweeping the nation already), have fun with the technology while you can. We've created a monster that will destroy mankind as we know it, but we may as well have streaming video along the way.
Maybe not that last one, but the others are pretty acurate. As correctly predicted by countless homeless unshaven pee-ridden guys in Times Square and other metropolitan cesspools, technology is on the verge of taking complete control of all of our lives (moreso than it already has). We are already consumed by cell phones, television, and, most importantly, blogs (we know you love us), but some new products are coming out to finish the job that the trebucher and the Gutenberg press started. So how 'bout a quick rundown of the bits of metal and plastic that will add to the science-fiction hell we are plummeting towards? Sound good? Let's go.
How ridiculous is this Nintendo Wii? I'll wait for you to look at the link. Absurb, right? Well, Nintendo decided to get back in the videojuegos business, and this is their triumphant return. What is it, you ask? First of all, it's pronounced 'we,' as in you and I put together. We, Wii. Got it? Okay. Next, it's a garage door opener attatched via firewire to a vibrator. Did I say vibrator? I meant joystick (though I bet it would be more popular if it were a vibrator). Original it was going to be called 'Revolution,' but the Nintendo heads figured that the Japanese would have trouble with all the Rs and Ls. "Levorution." Doesn't roll of the tongue. Anyway, this will soon consume you all. I know you all need your occasional dose of a new Smash Brothers game.
Other ridiculous Japanese imports? The new Toyota Yaris. Go look it up. Sure, the car looks cool and gets 40 mpg highway, but the commercials are absurb. True, I know nothing about the safety quality or how many cupholders it has, but what I do know is that the commercials are the single greatest 30 seconds of television I have seen since they took the Aqua-Velva commercials off the air. Start your day with a splash! Burst onto the horizon! I digress. The Yaris commercial I like the best is one with what looks like a spider, but has gas pump handles for legs, and it's thorax is a clear gas tank. So this abomination is making its way across the screen when the camera pans out and who do you suppose rolls up? The Yaris. And the spider thing knows some shit is about to go down. It does what any other spider would do: it says 'Rawr!' Trust me, that's what spiders would do if they could. So the gas tank spider is trying to back away and WHAM! It gets fucking run over! That'll teach you to be a spider! Then the Yaris opens its gas tank and drinks the gas from the now quite dead animal's carcass and drives away. Fucking craziest commercial I've ever seen. I'd watch it non-stop if I could. Highly suggested viewing material.
Bluetooth earpieces are also gaining in popularity. I hate this. These things are making me look ridiculous for answering someone's "how's it going?" with a "I'm fine, thanks, how're you," when in fact they're talking into some tiny brightly colored headset. Now I'm the one that looks retarded for being polite. Excuse me, I thought you were taking a chance and asking a complete stranger if they wanted to go get a drink later, but it turns out you're talking to your offensive coordinator up in the booth. My bad. Asshole. One good thing about the Bluetooth crap is that you can be talking to yourself and no one would second guess it. Assuming you have long hair so as to cover your ear (and most crazy people don't cut their hair; they're too busy being fucking insane), you can be having a shouting match with the voices in your head and the business elite that work in the building you sleep in the doorway of will just think that the Mexico City proposal didn't go through as you had planned, when in fact they just told you to kill your parents or rape your dog. Now your out of your gourd, but with 1500 anytime minutes and double the bars!
This brings me to another point I want to make; why can't cell phones have names that make sense? It's either a random series of numbers and letter like LG 3600 or a name some marketing associate made up to sound edgy and cool like Razr, Pebl, Switchback, or Whateverthefuck (that last one is mine; you know you want that phone).
So before we all die from the Terminators and the I, Robots and the Whateverthefucks (it's sweeping the nation already), have fun with the technology while you can. We've created a monster that will destroy mankind as we know it, but we may as well have streaming video along the way.
reubs wrote this piece of shit at 4:40 AM
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