An Open Letter to Nickelodeon
What happened to you, man? You used to be so cool. We used to hang out all the time. Almost every day, remember? We'd get home from school and watch 'Salute Your Shorts' and 'All That' (even though 'Hey, Dude' has always sucked and 'Are You Afraid of the Dark' scared the bejesus out of me), and then the best shows like 'Pete and Pete,' 'Aaah, Real Monsters,' and 'The Angry Beavers' would come on the weekends. 'Figure it Out' wasn't terrible either. 'Rocko's Modern Life', man! Come on. 'Double Dare!' That's good stuff.
But one show supercedes the rest. One show outperformed all the others. My love for old school Nick was led by one show, one singular program. 'Legends of the Hidden Temple.' Greatest program in television history, bar none. They filmed 120 episodes in 3 seasons. That's quality and quantity. Sure, 'GUTS' had the Aggro-Crag and that was very cool (even when they did the ill-advised 'Global GUTS' and it became the Mega-Crag). But it pales in comparison to the wonder that is Legends, with your host Kirk Fogg. Why would you cancel that program? It had everything. It had 10-year-olds trying to complete ridiculous challenges for Pendants of Life. It had teams like the Blue Barracudas and the Green Monkeys (I could name all 6, but I'll save you the time). It had an informational aspect with the Steps of Knowledge. How else would I have known who the first Emperor of China was or how the French defeated the Germanic Tribes in the early 400s on the banks of the Rhine? It had Olmec, a 15-foot tall stone head with a voice like Barry White and the greatest co-host in television history (Trolley from Mr. Rogers and Andy Richter tie for a distant second). It had cool t-shirts with the team logos and gold spray painted helmets and a live studio audience. That would have been enough to rope me in, but all of that was leading up to the main course, the Piece de Resistance: Olmec's Temple. You can keep your Dome of the Rock or your Vatican; my spiritual center resides in a two story, 13 room structure on a back lot somewhere at Nick Studios. You want the famous Nose Ring of Babe the Blue Ox, Atilla the Hun's gold goblet, or Lindhburg's missing weather maps? You got to beat the Temple, a glorious foam core and styrofoam labyrinth of strange puzzles and absurd obstacles. And watch out for the Temple Guards! There's always one in the Swamp room, don't go in there unless you have one of the two pendants handy, 'cuz he wants 'em. Those crazy Mayan guys like it in the room with all the fallen pillars, too. Start in the cave (no need to go upstairs just yet), move to the Shrine of the Silver Monkey, climb the mine shaft, those are easier ones. The one where you pull books out of the skeletons isn't that tough either. Don't get cheeky and try to put all the tiles in the right order, that takes far too long and you don't have time for that shit. You have two minutes, just bust through the wall in the Viper's Lair already. Quit trying to guess which pot the key is in, the Dark Forest is there if you need to get to the Jester's Court, and all you need to do there is hit the button on the wall. The freakin' treasure is in the Quicksand Bog, dammit! Stop wasting time in the Observatory and get to the fucking Tomb of the Ancient Kings!
I sense I've lost some of you in that last section. It's okay, let's move on.
Really, Nickelodeon. By the way, can I call you Nick? What is this crap you're playing now? No longer does 'Kenan and Kel' grace my television with their presence. Instead we have 'The Amanda Bynes Show,' that no talent over-sexualized 14-year-old (which is Jay Runner's thing so he likes it). Now the Rugrats aren't the 'Rugrats' any longer; they're 'All Grown Up.' 'Invader Zim' has been replaced by 'Jimmy Neutron.' Little quality programming remains.
And the worst offender? I'll give you a hint: he live in a pineapple under the see. Absorbant and porous and yellow is he. I give SpongeBob full points for a clever opening theme song (which I have memorized; don't judge me), but the show is awful. Plot summary: stupid yellow Porifera in square pants with pet snail befriends pink Asteroidea and annoys everyone else with incompetence traditionally reserved for only those on MTV dating shows. If I wanted to watch a bumbling idiot wreak havoc with his equally bumbling idiotic friends I'd watch the president on C-SPAN.
I no longer have the in depth plots and twists or the quality writing I expect from you, Nickelodeon. Not only that, but now I don't have a source to learn how the Vikings defeated the English. Was it their ships? Weaponry? Good looks? I don't know now that Olmec's gone; I have SpongeBob, and he doesn't teach me shit.
Nickelodeon, you need to pick up the slack. When 'Fairly Odd Parents' is the best show on your network you need to work on something.
Or else I'm sending the Temple Guards to your house, and I didn't see you earn any pendants in the Temple Games.
Sincerely, Hurricane Reuben
But one show supercedes the rest. One show outperformed all the others. My love for old school Nick was led by one show, one singular program. 'Legends of the Hidden Temple.' Greatest program in television history, bar none. They filmed 120 episodes in 3 seasons. That's quality and quantity. Sure, 'GUTS' had the Aggro-Crag and that was very cool (even when they did the ill-advised 'Global GUTS' and it became the Mega-Crag). But it pales in comparison to the wonder that is Legends, with your host Kirk Fogg. Why would you cancel that program? It had everything. It had 10-year-olds trying to complete ridiculous challenges for Pendants of Life. It had teams like the Blue Barracudas and the Green Monkeys (I could name all 6, but I'll save you the time). It had an informational aspect with the Steps of Knowledge. How else would I have known who the first Emperor of China was or how the French defeated the Germanic Tribes in the early 400s on the banks of the Rhine? It had Olmec, a 15-foot tall stone head with a voice like Barry White and the greatest co-host in television history (Trolley from Mr. Rogers and Andy Richter tie for a distant second). It had cool t-shirts with the team logos and gold spray painted helmets and a live studio audience. That would have been enough to rope me in, but all of that was leading up to the main course, the Piece de Resistance: Olmec's Temple. You can keep your Dome of the Rock or your Vatican; my spiritual center resides in a two story, 13 room structure on a back lot somewhere at Nick Studios. You want the famous Nose Ring of Babe the Blue Ox, Atilla the Hun's gold goblet, or Lindhburg's missing weather maps? You got to beat the Temple, a glorious foam core and styrofoam labyrinth of strange puzzles and absurd obstacles. And watch out for the Temple Guards! There's always one in the Swamp room, don't go in there unless you have one of the two pendants handy, 'cuz he wants 'em. Those crazy Mayan guys like it in the room with all the fallen pillars, too. Start in the cave (no need to go upstairs just yet), move to the Shrine of the Silver Monkey, climb the mine shaft, those are easier ones. The one where you pull books out of the skeletons isn't that tough either. Don't get cheeky and try to put all the tiles in the right order, that takes far too long and you don't have time for that shit. You have two minutes, just bust through the wall in the Viper's Lair already. Quit trying to guess which pot the key is in, the Dark Forest is there if you need to get to the Jester's Court, and all you need to do there is hit the button on the wall. The freakin' treasure is in the Quicksand Bog, dammit! Stop wasting time in the Observatory and get to the fucking Tomb of the Ancient Kings!
I sense I've lost some of you in that last section. It's okay, let's move on.
Really, Nickelodeon. By the way, can I call you Nick? What is this crap you're playing now? No longer does 'Kenan and Kel' grace my television with their presence. Instead we have 'The Amanda Bynes Show,' that no talent over-sexualized 14-year-old (which is Jay Runner's thing so he likes it). Now the Rugrats aren't the 'Rugrats' any longer; they're 'All Grown Up.' 'Invader Zim' has been replaced by 'Jimmy Neutron.' Little quality programming remains.
And the worst offender? I'll give you a hint: he live in a pineapple under the see. Absorbant and porous and yellow is he. I give SpongeBob full points for a clever opening theme song (which I have memorized; don't judge me), but the show is awful. Plot summary: stupid yellow Porifera in square pants with pet snail befriends pink Asteroidea and annoys everyone else with incompetence traditionally reserved for only those on MTV dating shows. If I wanted to watch a bumbling idiot wreak havoc with his equally bumbling idiotic friends I'd watch the president on C-SPAN.
I no longer have the in depth plots and twists or the quality writing I expect from you, Nickelodeon. Not only that, but now I don't have a source to learn how the Vikings defeated the English. Was it their ships? Weaponry? Good looks? I don't know now that Olmec's gone; I have SpongeBob, and he doesn't teach me shit.
Nickelodeon, you need to pick up the slack. When 'Fairly Odd Parents' is the best show on your network you need to work on something.
Or else I'm sending the Temple Guards to your house, and I didn't see you earn any pendants in the Temple Games.
Sincerely, Hurricane Reuben
reubs wrote this piece of shit at 2:58 PM
2 Horrible Comments:
http://olmecweepsfornick.ytmnd.com/#
That went straight to my heart... I really miss the good old Nick shows. It's really gone down the toilet.
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