Reuben tells you why your Favorite Comedian sucks: Dane Cook
It's been an easy ride so far. Larry the Cable Guy didn't put up much of a fight when I ripped him to shreds similar to the tattered tablecloth he calls a shirt. 'Hostel' proved to be just as easy to drill holes in (if you'll pardon the play on words). I imagine My Chemical Romance probably just wept in a corner of a dark room somewhere. Not to mention Mencia, who was so ripe for the picking that we had to do him twice. But I think it's time for a challenge. A real challenge. Someone whose moronic fans would come to the rescue with intense fervor to save their beloved idol. Someone who is at the top of their game. Someone insanely popular yet deserving of a stern talking to and swift ass kicking from we three of the H.P. Someone like Dane Cook. With that said, this is why he sucks more than Earth's gravitational pull. Let's start off with an easy one...
Did you see 'Waiting'?
It was terrible. Not all Dane's fault, but he didn't help himself any by being a worse actor than Chuck Norris in 'Missing in Action,' or as we call it 'Missing in Acting.' Saying you're a worse actor than Chuck Norris is really saying something, and that is a Chuck Norris fact. But back to Dane. He had, what, four lines? Terrible. And when you're a costar of Andy Milonakis, who is the very embodiment of the absence of talent, you'd better have more lines than him. Add professional stereotype actor-turned-'I Love the 80s' interviewee Luis Guzman, fellow terrible actor and bad script enthusiast Ryan Reynolds, and a screenplay that Eli Roth wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole and you've got a recipe for an awful movie like likes of which we haven't seen since 'Torque.' Oh, Dane was in that too? Hmm... How about 'Stuck on You'? 'Mystery Men'? 'Mr. 3000'? Oh man is he a bad actor.
Dane's Platinum Grillz and Ugly Schtik
But you don't love Dane because of his over-acting in his movies and terrible choices for roles. You love his Dane Cook's over-acting on his stand-up specials and his terrible overuse of the same goddamn material he uses all the fucking time and never changes. Dane's latest album 'Retaliation' has gone platinum. Do you realize what that means? People? People? It means more than a million people have actually gone out of their houses and bought a CD with their hard earned money containing one joke. One singular joke, repeated over and over again with slightly different bad impressions, safe material, tired pop culture references, and barely understandable outbursts of random thought and drunken stumbling. Honestly, read through a transcript of one of his shows. It reads like a Jack Torrence novel; boring and repetitive. I'll admit, it's a damn funny joke much of the time, but come on. People paid 14.99 for that. You people sicken me. By 'safe' I don't mean childproof and toothless, because obviously Dane does jokes on sex and alcohol. In fact, that's all he does, is bits on sex and alcohol. Those bits are 'safe' because he knows that no matter what he puts in those bits he will always get a laugh because of the audience who are planning on having drunken sex later. And speaking of the audience...
The Dane Cook Fan Club
...is made up entirely of 18-22 year old college students who haven't been exposed to actual good stand-up comedy. That means you, guy reading this in your dorm room. I know Dane constantly masturbates your ego by telling you that 'his fans are the greatest' as if people who like his brand of Cromagnon-esque poop jokes and disconnected ADHD driven thoughts are somehow superior to those of us who prefer actual quality and creativity from our comics. And not hilariously good disconnected ADHD driven thoughts like Daniel Tosh, either. Bad, with ridiculous premises that insult the audience's ability to think for themselves. Instead of really good stand up, these drunk sorority pledges and neo-hippie potheads prefer the dulcet tones of Dane's snake impression. Or is it his alien impression? I lose track. It all runs together after a while. 'Who cares, so long as he takes his shirt off on stage,' screams the sexually frustrated overweight girl in the third row with a pink cowboy hat. Who cares? I do, people. I care because I'm looking out for you. You need to get creative sometime very, very soon or else you'll continue following in the path of of other popular high energy shock comedians like Sam Kinneson and Andrew Dice Clay. You want good stand up, all you Cook-ies? How about a guy who was really popular not even one year ago. Remember Mitch Hedberg? Remember him? He was a great stand up comedian and college students liked him. He had original material and didn't have to resort to stammering and stumbling on stage to get a laugh or need to rip his shirt off as a crutch to get a reaction from his audience. He got creative and funny the old fashioned way: heroin.
I don't want to dislike Dane Cook, folks. I don't, but he makes it so hard to like him. I will like Dane so much better when he does a few things:
1. Try being in movies with better material occasionally. By the looks of his newest movie, it doesn't look like that's going to happen.
2. Stop catering to the lowest common denominator by telling drunken stories and shouting obcenities. Try writing material next time.
3. Write a joke with a punch line other than an just impression of someone throwing up or dying. Again, try writing material next time.
Let the backlash begin.
Did you see 'Waiting'?
It was terrible. Not all Dane's fault, but he didn't help himself any by being a worse actor than Chuck Norris in 'Missing in Action,' or as we call it 'Missing in Acting.' Saying you're a worse actor than Chuck Norris is really saying something, and that is a Chuck Norris fact. But back to Dane. He had, what, four lines? Terrible. And when you're a costar of Andy Milonakis, who is the very embodiment of the absence of talent, you'd better have more lines than him. Add professional stereotype actor-turned-'I Love the 80s' interviewee Luis Guzman, fellow terrible actor and bad script enthusiast Ryan Reynolds, and a screenplay that Eli Roth wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole and you've got a recipe for an awful movie like likes of which we haven't seen since 'Torque.' Oh, Dane was in that too? Hmm... How about 'Stuck on You'? 'Mystery Men'? 'Mr. 3000'? Oh man is he a bad actor.
Dane's Platinum Grillz and Ugly Schtik
But you don't love Dane because of his over-acting in his movies and terrible choices for roles. You love his Dane Cook's over-acting on his stand-up specials and his terrible overuse of the same goddamn material he uses all the fucking time and never changes. Dane's latest album 'Retaliation' has gone platinum. Do you realize what that means? People? People? It means more than a million people have actually gone out of their houses and bought a CD with their hard earned money containing one joke. One singular joke, repeated over and over again with slightly different bad impressions, safe material, tired pop culture references, and barely understandable outbursts of random thought and drunken stumbling. Honestly, read through a transcript of one of his shows. It reads like a Jack Torrence novel; boring and repetitive. I'll admit, it's a damn funny joke much of the time, but come on. People paid 14.99 for that. You people sicken me. By 'safe' I don't mean childproof and toothless, because obviously Dane does jokes on sex and alcohol. In fact, that's all he does, is bits on sex and alcohol. Those bits are 'safe' because he knows that no matter what he puts in those bits he will always get a laugh because of the audience who are planning on having drunken sex later. And speaking of the audience...
The Dane Cook Fan Club
...is made up entirely of 18-22 year old college students who haven't been exposed to actual good stand-up comedy. That means you, guy reading this in your dorm room. I know Dane constantly masturbates your ego by telling you that 'his fans are the greatest' as if people who like his brand of Cromagnon-esque poop jokes and disconnected ADHD driven thoughts are somehow superior to those of us who prefer actual quality and creativity from our comics. And not hilariously good disconnected ADHD driven thoughts like Daniel Tosh, either. Bad, with ridiculous premises that insult the audience's ability to think for themselves. Instead of really good stand up, these drunk sorority pledges and neo-hippie potheads prefer the dulcet tones of Dane's snake impression. Or is it his alien impression? I lose track. It all runs together after a while. 'Who cares, so long as he takes his shirt off on stage,' screams the sexually frustrated overweight girl in the third row with a pink cowboy hat. Who cares? I do, people. I care because I'm looking out for you. You need to get creative sometime very, very soon or else you'll continue following in the path of of other popular high energy shock comedians like Sam Kinneson and Andrew Dice Clay. You want good stand up, all you Cook-ies? How about a guy who was really popular not even one year ago. Remember Mitch Hedberg? Remember him? He was a great stand up comedian and college students liked him. He had original material and didn't have to resort to stammering and stumbling on stage to get a laugh or need to rip his shirt off as a crutch to get a reaction from his audience. He got creative and funny the old fashioned way: heroin.
I don't want to dislike Dane Cook, folks. I don't, but he makes it so hard to like him. I will like Dane so much better when he does a few things:
1. Try being in movies with better material occasionally. By the looks of his newest movie, it doesn't look like that's going to happen.
2. Stop catering to the lowest common denominator by telling drunken stories and shouting obcenities. Try writing material next time.
3. Write a joke with a punch line other than an just impression of someone throwing up or dying. Again, try writing material next time.
Let the backlash begin.
reubs wrote this piece of shit at 3:21 AM
4 Horrible Comments:
miller has a good point.
not all of your readers love Dane Cook, so dont assume so. The only backlash you'll be getting is how you screwed up this post.
"I'll admit, it's a damn funny joke much of the time..."
so even though its horrible, you still find it funny. meaning, you laugh at his jokes.
wasn't the title of this post referring to why he SUCKS? hes funny yet he sucks? now mencia sucks- and hes not funny. The cable guy sucks- hes also not funny.-hence the whole SUCKING part. and I wouldnt rant and rave about how much My Chemical Romance sucks if I still listened to their music...
So yes, I must agree with the fact that Dane Cook does suck pretty bad, but unlike you, Im laughing AT him. Not with him...
Congratulations, anonymous (if that is your real name), you've managed to find the one line in a page and a half of angry rant that admits Dane Cook to be a comedian that gets me to laugh. Nice job on quoting half a sentence. A peanut butter cookie has been sent to your address (I assume it is still 123 Fake St.).
I believe you may have missed reading parts of the post. For example, the remainder of the entry, where I go into graphic detail why Mr. Cook is a terrible comedian. As you have most likely read in my post about Carlos Mencia, since you seem to be good at repeating things I type, I make a remark that we refer to Mencia as "having his moments." This is, of course, code for "sucks." I occasionally laugh at a Mencia line because sometimes the bastard gets lucky and is actually funny. Dane Cook is similar in his "having moments."
True, Dane has better and more frequent "moments" than Mencia, but that is hardly a compliment. For example, saying that the fast food industry is less morally bankrupt than the cigarette industry. Not exactly a compliment. "Hey Dane, you're funnier than Mencia." I'm sure he's jumping for joy about that compliment.
At no point during my post did I call him a good comedian. At no point in the post did I say he was talented. I said he was funny occasionally. But then again, so are you.
Did you get all of that, or do you want to repeat some of it just to make sure?
Oh no, I got all of that. I still stand by what I said.
You should just be glad I commented at all. Checking back on your history shows quite a lack of responses...
not to mention good or intelligent humor.
Cook gives unfunny, two-bit hack comics a bad name...
He's a manic bore.
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