Go Forth and Be Funny, Part IV: When Bad Things Happen to Horrible People
The Lord spoke to Hurricane, saying, "Lo! Heed my word, for I am the Lord."
And Hurricane said, "That's crap. I've seen 'The Ten Commandments,' and you're no spinning helix of flame. You're a dismembered voice. This is just one of those people in my head again, isn't it? Listen, I've been going to my meetings and my therapist says that I'm doing well, so I shouldn't be hearing voices at all any more. Plus, who says 'heed' anymore anyway? Don't piss down my leg and tell me..."
"Silence! Hurricane, you and your friends have had a good influence on the internet. Your cutting sarcasm and your dry wit, they comfort many. But you have been unfaithful. You have been using your blog for other purposes than for the literary good. You have used your powers for evil: to advertise your stand up comedy shows. Nothing is wrong with your stand-up; your word can be spread any way you like. But this conflict has led to your demise. "
"Our demise? What are you talking about?"
"Your power ranking on Top-Blogs has fallen out of the top 100. You have allowed pansy ass bitches like 'The Floater Blog' and 'Bitter Blog' to sneak ahead of you. Even 'Jay-Walking' is ahead of you, and they haven't updated since November. That is just sad. 'Why is this happening,' you may ask. 'Why do bad things happen to Horrible People?' The answer is simple: you haven't had a new post with anything to say non-stand-up related for a week, and the last time one of your compatriots wrote anything new was more than three weeks a go, a post by Miller about, what else, your stand-up comedy show. So I say this to you:"
"Yeah?"
"Get your shit together. I may have to put 'All Things Good' and 'Haggis Ain't Cake' back in front of you if you aren't careful. You don't want that, do you?"
"No, sir."
"Good. Then I expect great things from Horrible People. Remember, I'll be watching you."
"Okay. Hey, God?"
"Yes?"
"You want to come to our stand-up show on Friday?"
And Hurricane said, "That's crap. I've seen 'The Ten Commandments,' and you're no spinning helix of flame. You're a dismembered voice. This is just one of those people in my head again, isn't it? Listen, I've been going to my meetings and my therapist says that I'm doing well, so I shouldn't be hearing voices at all any more. Plus, who says 'heed' anymore anyway? Don't piss down my leg and tell me..."
"Silence! Hurricane, you and your friends have had a good influence on the internet. Your cutting sarcasm and your dry wit, they comfort many. But you have been unfaithful. You have been using your blog for other purposes than for the literary good. You have used your powers for evil: to advertise your stand up comedy shows. Nothing is wrong with your stand-up; your word can be spread any way you like. But this conflict has led to your demise. "
"Our demise? What are you talking about?"
"Your power ranking on Top-Blogs has fallen out of the top 100. You have allowed pansy ass bitches like 'The Floater Blog' and 'Bitter Blog' to sneak ahead of you. Even 'Jay-Walking' is ahead of you, and they haven't updated since November. That is just sad. 'Why is this happening,' you may ask. 'Why do bad things happen to Horrible People?' The answer is simple: you haven't had a new post with anything to say non-stand-up related for a week, and the last time one of your compatriots wrote anything new was more than three weeks a go, a post by Miller about, what else, your stand-up comedy show. So I say this to you:"
"Yeah?"
"Get your shit together. I may have to put 'All Things Good' and 'Haggis Ain't Cake' back in front of you if you aren't careful. You don't want that, do you?"
"No, sir."
"Good. Then I expect great things from Horrible People. Remember, I'll be watching you."
"Okay. Hey, God?"
"Yes?"
"You want to come to our stand-up show on Friday?"
reubs wrote this piece of shit at 8:26 PM
2 Horrible Comments:
Nice! Where you get this guestbook? I want the same script.. Awesome content. thankyou.
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Super color scheme, I like it! Keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing this wonderful site with us.
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