USA now stands for Undeserved Sense of Accomplishment

If George Washington was alive today he’d probably kill himself. After he sees what has become of the country he helped to found would surely make him take his musket and stick it in his mouth. I’m sure that Ben Franklin and the rest of the gang felt that the right to bear arms as a part of an organized militia was necessary in tumultuous times, but he could not have envisioned three 17-year-olds toting semi-automatic high powered rifles with laser scopes and armor piercing rhino-tipped bullets into their high school because their math teacher gave them a C- and the kids with the popped collars called them gay freaks. Sure, Thomas Jefferson wanted free speech but they couldn’t have foreseen Larry Flint’s paralyzed legs yet fully functional libido. They believed in the equal rights of all citizens, but honestly people, some people don’t deserve rights. Some people deserve to be shot.

Take Kevin Federline for example. He managed to trick his pop star date-rape victim into thinking that he’s not in fact a trailer trash wangster. Now he’s a multi-millionaire trophy husband to the recently irrelevant and always untalented pop star Britney Spears. Here’s my point: the world would be better if Mr. Federline died. Under mysterious circumstances. Involving a set of fuzzy handcuffs, a goat, and a baby grand piano (use your imagination). Would you miss him? No. Actually, Britney Spears should die too. By getting stabbed through the heart in a tragic pork farmer’s convention accident. Called Ba-Con. Oh yea, that’s a good pun right there.

And the list goes on. The coat hanger shaped crack-whore known as Paris Hilton springs to mind as a good example of a cancerous boil on the neck of America. Other lecherous disgraces that can add their names to the list of the “Abominations in the face of the Nation and the Lord” include rapper/aspiring Catholic priest R. Kelly, Nair enthusiast Fabio, racist/homophobic/xenophobic/sexist Bill Frist (qualities which make him the ideal Republican candidate), professional crazy-insane bastard Dennis Rodman (who I hear used to play basketball), Salvador Dali-inspired Tammy Faye Baker, and the mindless automaton/ dealer of disinformation/fear-monger/shell of a man known as Bill O’Reilly.

All men are created equal, it says so in the Constitution (I think the top, I’d have to check). But just because they were created equal doesn’t mean that they end up equal. Just because you popped out of your mother’s vagina within the limits of the nation doesn’t automatically mean you get tenure on your life. Go to school, get a job, read a book, do something productive. If you’re not helping better the planet then you’re stealing my food, my oxygen, and my gravity.

And Kevin, c'mon now, wash your clothes and shower every once and a while. And don't forget to pretend like you've earned all that you have.