Halloween Help Out, Part II
I have some additional hints to combine with friend Jeff (Runner)’s list. I am not suggesting that you wear layers or protect your extremities from the frigid Ohio cold. I’m not a doctor. Rather, I am an Ohio University student. Trust us, we’re professionals. We aren’t the #2 party school in the country for nothing, you know. I am a man who knows how to really get into the festivities of Halloween in Athens. I have a few suggestions, beginning with #1:
#1: Drink Excessively.
Experts agree, you should beer-bong at least (At LEAST) one case of Nati. Each 12 ounce can adds something like a half of a degree of body heat. It’ll be like being at the beach! So ladies, feel free to wear the most scantily clad outfit you can find. This brings me to #2:
#2: Embrace the Hedonism
Women, this is your night to shine as the sex object that society has told you that you aren’t for the last decade or so, so enjoy the sexist cleverly guised as nonconformity and originality.
Gentlemen, this Halloween it is supposed to be about 50 degrees outside. In conjunction with Mother Nature I am happy to inform you that every woman will have two nipples with glass-cutting capabilities, so enjoy that (unless you are going as the mirror from Snow White, then it will suck). In addition, they are drunk. Very drunk. You have no real excuse not to get them naked. They don’t have that much on to begin with (just offer them a blanket and a half bottle of vodka, that should do).
#3: Stay Drunk
Make sure you keep a BAC of at least 1.64 all night. Constant bouncing from party to party and pub to pub doing keg stands/shot guns should keep you sufficiently buzzed.
#4: Guess at People’s Obscure Costumes
Nothing is as fun as trying to guess whether the drunk in front of you with the 1.64 BAC is Captain Morgan, Jack Sparrow, or Blackbeard for 15 minutes in the middle of Court Street. Sure, immediately pegging someone as Papa Smurf is fun too, but there’s an inherent entertainment factor people have when they’re being guessed at. And you’re asking for it if you’re dressing up as some random character from a random movie.
As for myself, I’m going as Luther from the 1979 gang war classic ‘The Warriors.’ That should be tons of fun explaining to the drunken masses. You folks have fun now, and make sure you don’t stay too sober.
#1: Drink Excessively.
Experts agree, you should beer-bong at least (At LEAST) one case of Nati. Each 12 ounce can adds something like a half of a degree of body heat. It’ll be like being at the beach! So ladies, feel free to wear the most scantily clad outfit you can find. This brings me to #2:
#2: Embrace the Hedonism
Women, this is your night to shine as the sex object that society has told you that you aren’t for the last decade or so, so enjoy the sexist cleverly guised as nonconformity and originality.
Gentlemen, this Halloween it is supposed to be about 50 degrees outside. In conjunction with Mother Nature I am happy to inform you that every woman will have two nipples with glass-cutting capabilities, so enjoy that (unless you are going as the mirror from Snow White, then it will suck). In addition, they are drunk. Very drunk. You have no real excuse not to get them naked. They don’t have that much on to begin with (just offer them a blanket and a half bottle of vodka, that should do).
#3: Stay Drunk
Make sure you keep a BAC of at least 1.64 all night. Constant bouncing from party to party and pub to pub doing keg stands/shot guns should keep you sufficiently buzzed.
#4: Guess at People’s Obscure Costumes
Nothing is as fun as trying to guess whether the drunk in front of you with the 1.64 BAC is Captain Morgan, Jack Sparrow, or Blackbeard for 15 minutes in the middle of Court Street. Sure, immediately pegging someone as Papa Smurf is fun too, but there’s an inherent entertainment factor people have when they’re being guessed at. And you’re asking for it if you’re dressing up as some random character from a random movie.
As for myself, I’m going as Luther from the 1979 gang war classic ‘The Warriors.’ That should be tons of fun explaining to the drunken masses. You folks have fun now, and make sure you don’t stay too sober.
reubs wrote this piece of shit at 1:01 AM
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