Halloween Help Out
It's that time of year again. Here in Athens Ohio thousands converge in a drunken orgy that fills the streets and goes from dusk till dawn. Maybe I am exaggerating a little but you know 'prepare for the worst expect the best'. Now for all those students or even visitors comming in who think they can get away without a costume I've got some news, those who aren't wearing one are stoned to death on the college green. True story. Or they're just mistaken for creepy townies who look at Halloween as a free peep show. The important thing here is that you are prepared this year and if you still haven't gotten around to it we at Horrible People are your saviors once again with these helpful tips. Now these are going to be broken down into categories so try and stay with me.
Excellent Guys Costumes: Now these costumes are for the boys and can work on several hilarious levels. For those just planning to wrap themselves in toilet paper or wear a sheet I am afraid that everyone will hate you and you wont get laid. Sorry it's just how it is. However, using these ideas is a non stop one way ticket to pussy town...
Big Bad Bob Ross: Everyone loves him and his happy little trees. He's talented, sensitive and above all dead. But dont let that stop you from honoring his memory the Athens way by strapping on the white man's fro and getting sloppy drunk with a palette and paintbrush in your hands. You want to kick this ensemble to the next level get some face paint and be Zombie Bob Ross. Back from the beyond to bring us more awesome paintings in under a half hours time that you could never create no matter how close you're watching the TV screen. Just make sure you have the essentials so you're not confused with any average aging hippie.
Dale Chihuly: Alright I don't want to lose anyone here but Chihuly is a good choice because he offers versatility. He's the cycloptic glass blower who sells his sulptures for more then I will make in a lifetime. He's a little stout, a little gruff and has got that badass eye-patch that I can only assume occured in a drunken brawl. Now this get up goes a long way because you'll be able to gauge the intelligence of the girl you are meeting. If she is not in to fine art and stares back at you blankly when you say the name 'Chihuly', you can follow it up by stating he was a blood thirsty pirate king and nothing stood between him and booty! Thats where you grab her ass and she begins open mouth kissing you in the street. Also remark that this particular pirate loved wearing bright shirts and pants that never matched.
Christopher Walken from the Continental: How have I not seen this duplicated a hundred times over each year? Probably because I am a visionary and you hit a Halloween goldmine by reading this page. It's a reference anyone who's anyone will understand and gives you a chance to act like a lecherous pervert all night long. Christopher Walken brought this hilarious character to life and now you can too if you add slicked back hair, a pencil thin mustache, smoking jacket and a plastic champagne glass that you can take to the kegs. You care for some more Nati Ice, I mean Cham-pain-ya? Don't forget to give out a good 'Wow...wowee wow wow wow!' whenever possible.
Excellent Girls/Guys Costume: Only one in this category but if done right it could be a real hit
Emo Kid: We all hate 'em but here's your chance to see the sad and depressed world through their 125 dollar thick rimmed glasses. For the guys you need to leave your hair horrendously messy with black or blonde streaks of dye, put in a pattern that makes even a clown feel ashamed. then go with a shirt with some band name like "Hawthorn Heights", "Blood Ripped September" or "Suffocating Red Dawn Rising and the Screaming Sadness". Now add pants so tight you'll probably need surgery to remove your balls first and some classic vintage shoes.
Also I'd like to take a minute to point out that there is something completely fucked up with your scene when the only way to get into a girls pants is to literally get into a girls pants.
As for the females you have to go with the glasses, dyed black hair and some form of piercing that accents, well...nothing. Just slap it above your lip or on your chin. Bascially anywhere that would be considered ridiculous. Then go with the sweater vest pull over, bag lady style skirt and some clunky Doc Martins. Carry around a nice book like the Bell Jar and you'll be in business.
Excellent Girls Costumes: Now I am no expert on girls fashion but I do know what will be a hit. If you want some thoughtful and clever outfit that is sure to keep the heads turning then just take some of these hints. By the end of the night your oringinality will be the talk or drunken memory of all your peers...
Slutty Schoolgirl: That's right, this one is a classic and I don't want to mess with what works. Don't go crazy trying to reinvent the wheel, white knee high socks, short plaid mini skirt and a tied off white button up to show that midriff. For that little extra try going without panties and spin like a top when you enter a room. Its Halloween, a time to be carefree. And don't forget the pigtails, pigtails are hot as hell.
Slutty Cop: Am I the first person to ever think that a hot cop is sexy? Probably, but that shouldn't stop you from avoiding this surefire outfit. Get yourself the tight blue top with a badge that says something like Officer 69 and put on your little black cap. Add a short black skirt with a club and fuzzy handcuffs along the outside and to spice things up try not wearing panties. Throw on some real intimidating boots too, and feel free to frisk naughty boys at random.
A Slut: Keeping with the theme it's best to throw inhibitions to the wind and be something your not. Hell, even if you are this is a good opportunity to finally not be judged for it. Just get yourself a filthy little dress and apply make up that screms 'approach for blowjob'. If you need more ideas please research girls on Laguna Beach or any sorority.
A Slutty Slut: This one is taking it to the next level. It's best that you pray for warm weather and get pretty drunk prior to leaving your room. Also spending about 10 grand on some fake knockers is a plus. A lot like the slut but try showing more skin and play it up so there isn't a girl on the block that wont mumble the word whore as you walk by.
A Slutty Slut Dirty Pirate Whore: Maybe you can go with some guy who dresses as Chihuly and the two of you can make a night of it.
So that about wraps it up. Hope that I was able to benefit guys and girls on some fun, unique and terrific halloween hits. Just make sure to follow everything here as gospel and I should be having another terrific Halloween.
And as for yours truly? Why didn't I use one of these awesome ideas? Because I will be going as Zack Morris and a special lady of mine will be Kelly Kapowski. Letting people see everyone's favorite couple from Bayside High making it in the real world. And the best part is when I bring her back to my room I'll make her screech. You get what I'm saying!? YOU GET WHAT I'M SAYING!?
Even I don't get what I'm saying.
Excellent Guys Costumes: Now these costumes are for the boys and can work on several hilarious levels. For those just planning to wrap themselves in toilet paper or wear a sheet I am afraid that everyone will hate you and you wont get laid. Sorry it's just how it is. However, using these ideas is a non stop one way ticket to pussy town...
Big Bad Bob Ross: Everyone loves him and his happy little trees. He's talented, sensitive and above all dead. But dont let that stop you from honoring his memory the Athens way by strapping on the white man's fro and getting sloppy drunk with a palette and paintbrush in your hands. You want to kick this ensemble to the next level get some face paint and be Zombie Bob Ross. Back from the beyond to bring us more awesome paintings in under a half hours time that you could never create no matter how close you're watching the TV screen. Just make sure you have the essentials so you're not confused with any average aging hippie.
Dale Chihuly: Alright I don't want to lose anyone here but Chihuly is a good choice because he offers versatility. He's the cycloptic glass blower who sells his sulptures for more then I will make in a lifetime. He's a little stout, a little gruff and has got that badass eye-patch that I can only assume occured in a drunken brawl. Now this get up goes a long way because you'll be able to gauge the intelligence of the girl you are meeting. If she is not in to fine art and stares back at you blankly when you say the name 'Chihuly', you can follow it up by stating he was a blood thirsty pirate king and nothing stood between him and booty! Thats where you grab her ass and she begins open mouth kissing you in the street. Also remark that this particular pirate loved wearing bright shirts and pants that never matched.
Christopher Walken from the Continental: How have I not seen this duplicated a hundred times over each year? Probably because I am a visionary and you hit a Halloween goldmine by reading this page. It's a reference anyone who's anyone will understand and gives you a chance to act like a lecherous pervert all night long. Christopher Walken brought this hilarious character to life and now you can too if you add slicked back hair, a pencil thin mustache, smoking jacket and a plastic champagne glass that you can take to the kegs. You care for some more Nati Ice, I mean Cham-pain-ya? Don't forget to give out a good 'Wow...wowee wow wow wow!' whenever possible.
Excellent Girls/Guys Costume: Only one in this category but if done right it could be a real hit
Emo Kid: We all hate 'em but here's your chance to see the sad and depressed world through their 125 dollar thick rimmed glasses. For the guys you need to leave your hair horrendously messy with black or blonde streaks of dye, put in a pattern that makes even a clown feel ashamed. then go with a shirt with some band name like "Hawthorn Heights", "Blood Ripped September" or "Suffocating Red Dawn Rising and the Screaming Sadness". Now add pants so tight you'll probably need surgery to remove your balls first and some classic vintage shoes.
Also I'd like to take a minute to point out that there is something completely fucked up with your scene when the only way to get into a girls pants is to literally get into a girls pants.
As for the females you have to go with the glasses, dyed black hair and some form of piercing that accents, well...nothing. Just slap it above your lip or on your chin. Bascially anywhere that would be considered ridiculous. Then go with the sweater vest pull over, bag lady style skirt and some clunky Doc Martins. Carry around a nice book like the Bell Jar and you'll be in business.
Excellent Girls Costumes: Now I am no expert on girls fashion but I do know what will be a hit. If you want some thoughtful and clever outfit that is sure to keep the heads turning then just take some of these hints. By the end of the night your oringinality will be the talk or drunken memory of all your peers...
Slutty Schoolgirl: That's right, this one is a classic and I don't want to mess with what works. Don't go crazy trying to reinvent the wheel, white knee high socks, short plaid mini skirt and a tied off white button up to show that midriff. For that little extra try going without panties and spin like a top when you enter a room. Its Halloween, a time to be carefree. And don't forget the pigtails, pigtails are hot as hell.
Slutty Cop: Am I the first person to ever think that a hot cop is sexy? Probably, but that shouldn't stop you from avoiding this surefire outfit. Get yourself the tight blue top with a badge that says something like Officer 69 and put on your little black cap. Add a short black skirt with a club and fuzzy handcuffs along the outside and to spice things up try not wearing panties. Throw on some real intimidating boots too, and feel free to frisk naughty boys at random.
A Slut: Keeping with the theme it's best to throw inhibitions to the wind and be something your not. Hell, even if you are this is a good opportunity to finally not be judged for it. Just get yourself a filthy little dress and apply make up that screms 'approach for blowjob'. If you need more ideas please research girls on Laguna Beach or any sorority.
A Slutty Slut: This one is taking it to the next level. It's best that you pray for warm weather and get pretty drunk prior to leaving your room. Also spending about 10 grand on some fake knockers is a plus. A lot like the slut but try showing more skin and play it up so there isn't a girl on the block that wont mumble the word whore as you walk by.
A Slutty Slut Dirty Pirate Whore: Maybe you can go with some guy who dresses as Chihuly and the two of you can make a night of it.
So that about wraps it up. Hope that I was able to benefit guys and girls on some fun, unique and terrific halloween hits. Just make sure to follow everything here as gospel and I should be having another terrific Halloween.
And as for yours truly? Why didn't I use one of these awesome ideas? Because I will be going as Zack Morris and a special lady of mine will be Kelly Kapowski. Letting people see everyone's favorite couple from Bayside High making it in the real world. And the best part is when I bring her back to my room I'll make her screech. You get what I'm saying!? YOU GET WHAT I'M SAYING!?
Even I don't get what I'm saying.
Jay Runner wrote this piece of shit at 2:14 PM
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