An Open Letter to...Rolos
Dear Rolos,
You truly are delicious morsels, with your soft milk chocolate outside and smooth caramel center. You've brought taste and satisfaction whenever you were close by and I needed a pick me up. However, I feel there are certain aspects of our relationship that need to be addressed. First of which would be your foil covering. Why bother with such thin and brittle foil? Why wrap yourself in such a complicated coating of a pliable, gold tinted metal? I'm afraid I fail to see the reasoning. When I finally find a crease in your suit of armor it breaks into pieces. Little gold flakes falling all over my hands and jeans. Goddamn you Rolos, why do you tease me? After your shitty specks cover me people assume they must be the remains of body glitter from some stripper named Dakota. You know the type, just blanketed in ten cent sparkles from head to toe, claiming that they are "working their way through college". And me winking to let them know that I'm cool and understand that's stripper code for coke habit and asking if she can break a twenty. But I digress.
Lose the foil. It makes you look cheap and diminishes the satisfaction. Furthermore you need to stop tasting so great. I know thats what drove me to embrace your stout cylindrical form but enough is enough. I can't continue to spend hours inhaling pieces of chocolate that look like pieces from a board game. You need to incude some rolos that just aren't good. Sour outside, poor quality chocolate or maybe a razor blade. Something to make me stop. I BEG YOU TO HELP ME STOP! Ive already eaten a bag and a half just during this post! I can barely see the text through my tears. My fat, sugary tears, sweetened by the unholy amount of rolos Ive ingested. Please show me some mercy, either drop in quality or have a select few be so mind blowingly orgasmic I collapse from exhaustion. I've seen Willy Wonka and I know the power you candymen posess. Shrink the taste equivalent of a thousand rolos into one and let me fall into a sugar shock induced coma that leaves me a hollow shell of a once complete human being after recovery, as I would view the world as a hopeless and desolate wasteland, left to fathom how all its wonders combined could never compare to you.
Thanks a bunch,
Jay Runner
You truly are delicious morsels, with your soft milk chocolate outside and smooth caramel center. You've brought taste and satisfaction whenever you were close by and I needed a pick me up. However, I feel there are certain aspects of our relationship that need to be addressed. First of which would be your foil covering. Why bother with such thin and brittle foil? Why wrap yourself in such a complicated coating of a pliable, gold tinted metal? I'm afraid I fail to see the reasoning. When I finally find a crease in your suit of armor it breaks into pieces. Little gold flakes falling all over my hands and jeans. Goddamn you Rolos, why do you tease me? After your shitty specks cover me people assume they must be the remains of body glitter from some stripper named Dakota. You know the type, just blanketed in ten cent sparkles from head to toe, claiming that they are "working their way through college". And me winking to let them know that I'm cool and understand that's stripper code for coke habit and asking if she can break a twenty. But I digress.
Lose the foil. It makes you look cheap and diminishes the satisfaction. Furthermore you need to stop tasting so great. I know thats what drove me to embrace your stout cylindrical form but enough is enough. I can't continue to spend hours inhaling pieces of chocolate that look like pieces from a board game. You need to incude some rolos that just aren't good. Sour outside, poor quality chocolate or maybe a razor blade. Something to make me stop. I BEG YOU TO HELP ME STOP! Ive already eaten a bag and a half just during this post! I can barely see the text through my tears. My fat, sugary tears, sweetened by the unholy amount of rolos Ive ingested. Please show me some mercy, either drop in quality or have a select few be so mind blowingly orgasmic I collapse from exhaustion. I've seen Willy Wonka and I know the power you candymen posess. Shrink the taste equivalent of a thousand rolos into one and let me fall into a sugar shock induced coma that leaves me a hollow shell of a once complete human being after recovery, as I would view the world as a hopeless and desolate wasteland, left to fathom how all its wonders combined could never compare to you.
Thanks a bunch,
Jay Runner
Jay Runner wrote this piece of shit at 3:00 AM
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