A Compelation of Relatively Funny One Liners, Bad Jokes, and Awkward Things to Say

Ask anybody who knows me, I am a huge fan of the barely funny joke. Anything with a short chuckle or a groan, that's perfect. That's why they call me Taffy. Just covered in bad jokes. Two of 'em. and I'm delicious. See what I did there? Eh? But back to the point, rattle off a few of these at your next corporate gathering or cousin's Bar Mitzvah and you'll be sure that they'll never invite you back.

Some of these are mine, some are uncredited because I've long since forgotten who first made them up. A good bet is that the ones stolen are originals from Mitch Hedberg, Steven Lynch, Steven Wright, Bob Hope, Jimmy Carr, and a laundry list of many other famous people. That's why they call me Scarface. I just do every line that's put in front of me. Eh?

Ah, nevermind.

Here's some jokes:

If I made orange juice I wouldn’t be so hardcore on people. I would be more polite. For example, I wouldn’t print ‘shake well’ on the carton, because you don’t know how good people can shake. I would write, ‘shake to the best of your ability.’ Then I’d have a diagram that shows the uninitiated how to shake. ‘Okay, put it over here, then put it over here, then put it over here quicker.’

I heard a commercial for a boxing match; it said it was going to be a fight to the finish. That’s a good place to end.

I want to talk for a moment about battered women. Sounds delicious, but that doesn’t make it right.

Jesus was the only 33-year-old unmarried Jew ever whose parents didn’t think he was gay.

I saw a woman uptown last week with a purse that said ‘Guess’ on the side, so I said ‘You’re a man?’ She got mad me.

I saw ‘The Vagina Monologues’ a few weeks ago, have you seen it? I gotta say it was the worst ventriloquism I’ve ever seen. I could see their lips moving the whole time.

Nobody knows what Jesus’ last words really were, but I’m putting my money on ‘Hey, I can see my house from here.’

A while ago my sister and I were riding in my car, and she turned to me, punched me in the arm and said, ‘Padiddle!’ Later on in the day, around 3 in the afternoon, I saw a car with both headlights broken. So I stabbed her.

I have found that it is never funny to pick up a kid and run. Even for like five feet, because they will tackle you.

I think a lot of gay people prefer to stay in the closet because they’re interested in fashion.

I learned something interesting the other day. Professional boxers don’t have sex the night before a fight. Did you know that? It turns out the reason that boxers don’t have sex before a fight isn’t to save energy, but rather it’s because they don’t really like each other.

I feel like, since I’m a diabetic, I could start doing heroin and no one would notice.

Awesome. How's that for good shit, huh? Comedy gold. Good thing I put those out here, they were starting to stink up the back of my fridge. Gross.

I think like 2 of those are really mine. Maybe more, I forget. That's why they call me Alzheimer. Because I... wait... whaaaah?

See what I did there? Eh? Eh? EH?

Nevermind.