Reuben Tells You Why Your Favorite Comedian Sucks, Part 2: Larry The Cable Guy
Seeing as I am the only one who seems to write for this God forsaken comedy blog anymore, I apologize for my tardiness in posting a new entry on the page. I have no letter from the doctor, but I assure you that the 35 pounds of food that I gorged on during the last two days left me completely unable to move (let alone comprehend rational thought) and therefore provide an adequate alibi. Nothing's more American than Thanksgiving, particularly the part where you feel like you've gained so much weight you might not move for the next few weeks, so you might as well watch some football games you care nothing about.
Nothing, that is, except Larry the Cable Guy.
Yes, Larry the Cable Guy. Nothing screams Red, White, and Blue like the Red-neck, White-bread, Blue-collar piss-poor excuse for a stand up set from the round mound of... uh... well, something that rhymes with 'mound' and means 'not funny.' There are many reasons why the great fish-hooked one is not funny. Let me count the ways:
1. Git-R-Done!
Of the things that Larry does that piss me off, shouting Git-R-Done after every goddamned joke is certainly one of them. Though I must admit that the first time I heard it I did laugh a little at its sheer ridiculousness, it is none the less unfunny. For the record, I did not laugh the next 1,349 times I heard him say it. He repeats his creation over and over again as if it were a work of pure comedic genius, not unlike other members of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. He attaches it as an exclamation point to the end of a bit like glitter on a pimple or a birthday hat on the Elephant Man, and as far as I can tell it's to let the audience know that it's time to laugh. Since his bits are so haphazardly constructed and poorly thought out that they aren't funny on their own, his default mechanism after a bit fails is this ridiculous thing. Side note: anyone who uses a catch phrase as if it were an 'Applause' sign clearly does not respect his audience. (Although it points to the average IQ of his target viewer.)
2. Ah cain't undersayund yeh...
Like so many from the Mid-West (which I also live), Larry cannot pronounce some (or more likely most) words properly. My guess is that Larry, while having dental surgery as a young boy, was permanently injured and cannot enunciate properly. I can relate, as a tragic Turkish Bath accident has left my ring and pinky fingers on my right hand paralyzed and I have a Sign Language impediment. Regardless, he probably should have checked out other career opportunities, seeing as he has a speech problem as well as a rare form of Not Funny.
3. Did you ever see 'Deliverance?'
Well, had you seen it you would have laughed. Since you haven't, suffice it to say that those people who are born in Appalachia are likely crazy and should be approached with extreme caution. don't worry about them getting offended; they don't have indoor plumbing, let alone the internet. Plus, they probably don't read blogs.
4. Birds of a Feather...
Perhaps one of the least funny parts about Larry is Jeff Foxworthy. Simply by knowing that man, he is unfuny by association. Though not as rife for comedic commentary for the purposes of this post, he is perhaps the least funny non-racial comedian I have ever witnessed on television. Again, I will remind the readers that every comedian, nay, every person has (what I like to call) their 'moments.' Jeff Foxworthy has made a career out of recreating his moments on stage and on TV for a very long time. Another side note: he has been on television and been making records for over 20 years, so I think it's time to stop pretending that you're from the heartland. You're as country as CMT. Think about that one for a while why don't you.
(For the sakes of this argument, I chose not to target Bill Engvall or Ron White. I find Ron to actually be very funny, and Bill's here's your sign bit, although tiresome, still has it's moments. More than, say, Larry.)
I'm sure there's more I don't like about him, but let's end on this:
5. What is it that you say you do for a living?
He is not, has never been, or most likely will ever be a 'cable guy.' He doesn't even have the uniform. Cable persons are highly trained professionals (I think) and have far different personal hygiene standards than he. Larry the Cable guy is not a cable guy. Therefore, I think his name should be changed. Something like Larry the... uh... well, something that rhymes with 'mound' and means 'not funny.'
Nothing, that is, except Larry the Cable Guy.
Yes, Larry the Cable Guy. Nothing screams Red, White, and Blue like the Red-neck, White-bread, Blue-collar piss-poor excuse for a stand up set from the round mound of... uh... well, something that rhymes with 'mound' and means 'not funny.' There are many reasons why the great fish-hooked one is not funny. Let me count the ways:
1. Git-R-Done!
Of the things that Larry does that piss me off, shouting Git-R-Done after every goddamned joke is certainly one of them. Though I must admit that the first time I heard it I did laugh a little at its sheer ridiculousness, it is none the less unfunny. For the record, I did not laugh the next 1,349 times I heard him say it. He repeats his creation over and over again as if it were a work of pure comedic genius, not unlike other members of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. He attaches it as an exclamation point to the end of a bit like glitter on a pimple or a birthday hat on the Elephant Man, and as far as I can tell it's to let the audience know that it's time to laugh. Since his bits are so haphazardly constructed and poorly thought out that they aren't funny on their own, his default mechanism after a bit fails is this ridiculous thing. Side note: anyone who uses a catch phrase as if it were an 'Applause' sign clearly does not respect his audience. (Although it points to the average IQ of his target viewer.)
2. Ah cain't undersayund yeh...
Like so many from the Mid-West (which I also live), Larry cannot pronounce some (or more likely most) words properly. My guess is that Larry, while having dental surgery as a young boy, was permanently injured and cannot enunciate properly. I can relate, as a tragic Turkish Bath accident has left my ring and pinky fingers on my right hand paralyzed and I have a Sign Language impediment. Regardless, he probably should have checked out other career opportunities, seeing as he has a speech problem as well as a rare form of Not Funny.
3. Did you ever see 'Deliverance?'
Well, had you seen it you would have laughed. Since you haven't, suffice it to say that those people who are born in Appalachia are likely crazy and should be approached with extreme caution. don't worry about them getting offended; they don't have indoor plumbing, let alone the internet. Plus, they probably don't read blogs.
4. Birds of a Feather...
Perhaps one of the least funny parts about Larry is Jeff Foxworthy. Simply by knowing that man, he is unfuny by association. Though not as rife for comedic commentary for the purposes of this post, he is perhaps the least funny non-racial comedian I have ever witnessed on television. Again, I will remind the readers that every comedian, nay, every person has (what I like to call) their 'moments.' Jeff Foxworthy has made a career out of recreating his moments on stage and on TV for a very long time. Another side note: he has been on television and been making records for over 20 years, so I think it's time to stop pretending that you're from the heartland. You're as country as CMT. Think about that one for a while why don't you.
(For the sakes of this argument, I chose not to target Bill Engvall or Ron White. I find Ron to actually be very funny, and Bill's here's your sign bit, although tiresome, still has it's moments. More than, say, Larry.)
I'm sure there's more I don't like about him, but let's end on this:
5. What is it that you say you do for a living?
He is not, has never been, or most likely will ever be a 'cable guy.' He doesn't even have the uniform. Cable persons are highly trained professionals (I think) and have far different personal hygiene standards than he. Larry the Cable guy is not a cable guy. Therefore, I think his name should be changed. Something like Larry the... uh... well, something that rhymes with 'mound' and means 'not funny.'
reubs wrote this piece of shit at 12:28 PM
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