Winter Fashions: Kabbalah is the new Pink

The holidays are coming up, and you know what that means: Christmas time! Sure I'm Jewish, but c'mon now, Christmas is an American holiday. Sure Jesus died for... some reason (I didn't read that far into the book), but it boils down to this: I don't go down to the local mall to sit on Jesus' lap. We want the fat man. The head honcho. The Don Juan of the winter season. Step aside, Jesus. It's Santa's time now. (‘Godfather’ theme plays in the background, Jesus' cross blows up).

What, too soon?

But on an entirely different topic completely than that, it seems as though a religious group takes over the television right around the middle of the year, goes crazy and makes everyone else feel less superior, and lasts until shopping season starts. Let's look at a few right now.

This year's newest model: Scientology
How can you be wrong when you have the Latin root for 'study of truth' right in your name? Really though, what can I say that hasn't already been said by South Park, Matt Lauer, and every sane person on the planet? Seriously, if you don't yet know the wonders of Scientology, click on this link right here. Yea, you heard me, that one. That is what the really actually believe. Swear to God. Or whatever you swear to when you’re a Scientologist. Basically, a science fiction writer decided he wanted to prove he could invent a religious movement. And indeed he did. America, what a country. (I think he was American...)

Last year's tired old thing: Kabbalah
As a Jew, I was surprised to hear that anyone who wasn't Jewish even heard about Kaballah. Seriously though, this one is pretty much nonsense too. It's a Jewish mysticism. Think Dreidls plus Harry Potter. Yea. Plus there's Madonna, and she used to think she was British. I don't trust those damn Redcoats, let alone turncoats like that hag. I don't trust that at all. Also, just a thought: Madonna is the creepy mom of a kid at your high school that's dressed way too young for her age. Waaaay too young. I smell month old tuna, and I think it's her leotard collection.

The little black dress: Atheism
Oh, do I love the atheists. Here's a typical conversation I have with an Atheist on the topic of religion:
"Not a fan of the organized religion, huh bub?"
"No way, dude. I saw through the bullshit. Big man in the sky invented us all? Please."
"Okay, well what do you believe in?"
"Not your bullshit, man. Not your bullshit."
"That's not what I asked you. You gave me what you didn't believe in. I asked what you do believe in. That's circular logic."
"I don't believe in God, if that is his real name"
(I leave and slash my wrists)
I suppose I would be atheist too if I didn't miss every other day of class for being Jewish. Yea, that's a perk (it's in the bible).

The nudist: Agnosticism
C'mon now, agnosticism? Your religion is to have no religion at all. Your belief system is to not have any true beliefs other than you're miffed by the whole thing. Having your religion be agnostic is like having your mode of transportation is quadriplegic. And nobody likes a quadriplegic.

That's the top of the list. I've made too many Catholic jokes already; Muslims don't really push my buttons. (Get it? 'Cuz they blow shit up with their explosive belts.) I dunno, maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe it’s the 8-ball and shot of whiskey I had before I wrote this post. Maybe it’s ‘cuz Miller hasn’t written a new post in ages (which is also why I stole that 8-ball joke from him). In the end though, we’re all Americans, and that’s all that really matters.

And Canadians. I guess they’re okay, so long as I can keep calling them Hosers.