We got Frank, Frank's got problems...
Ohio University is already making its run for the number one party school. We got a taste of the good life at number two and have made strides to exceed that but we have outdone ourselves this time. The open burning of furniture as well as drunken assaults on Halloween were all respectable, but now our sphere of partying influence has even taken over those in charge. I know this because yesterday our new football coach, nay, our field general and mastermind... wait even more accurate still, our Lord and Savior of athletics who is fufilling the prophecy of creating the Bobcats into a national powerhouse, just so happened to be slapped with a little DUI charge. Whoopsie daisies!
Yes, today Frank Solich, former Nebraska head coach, openly addmitted in court to charges of drunk driving. Something like this is sure to put a man's job in jeopardy seeing as he is a leader in the Athens community as well as a highly respected figure among the administration. Just kidding! He's keeping his job, I mean Frank the Tank got us 4 wins motherfucker! Hell yeah, we might be .500 next year and we aren't going to mess that up because some guy likes to tie one on before going out for a drive. Athens is a beautiful town that comes to life when you're seeing double. And behind a windshield this beauty is like magnified by forty thousand. Or something like that, the locals around there know the correct figure.
Besides if you read the report it's not so bad. Solich was stopped by police while he was slumped over the wheel of his vehicle. Because he was passed out drunk. And the car was in drive. Also it was pointed the wrong way on a one-way street. Whoopsie doodles!
Also I'd like to make a side note here. We have several one-way streets in the quaint and scenic town of Athens. I can recall fond memories as a freshmen being laughed at because I showed my status whenever I looked both ways at one of these streets. Well guess what assholes, just because it's one way doesn't mean cars are somehow physically incappable of driving the wrong way down them. I was taught to look both ways and in a place where the alcohol consumption level is greater then the water useage I think I'll put forth the energy to strain my neck for a passing glance at the other end of the street before I am mowed down by a faculty member simply because I wanted to appear 'in the know'.
Now back to the incomprable football genius and epic motivator Frank. I hope by now you've picked up on all the overblown compliments I've been giving him. I say these things because its all I have heard since we got him. Students can barely name our starting quaterback, and yes if you are wondering I have no idea who he is. We used to have AJ Hawk's brother, which I only knew because it was mentioned during an Ohio State game I had on. He's gone now, since that blood thirsty linebacker got all the talent in the family, and we are left with some schlub. So Frank has posters on the sides of trucks, t-shirts made in his honor and countless flyers, press appearences and write-ups in the newspapers. And yes he is a fine coach, however I didn't base my decision on an academic institution on who was running the football team. It was based off what college would take me. Thank god there was one.
I predict Frank is going to come out of this fine, seeing as he already brought national attention to the program and the incident happened in Ohio University over break, so no one is on the roads anyway. No one important I mean, if he took out a townie that would probably be covered up. He is going to be placed on probation, admit his mistake publicly and teach some alcohol awareness programs. Which means I got to get my drink on! If I get caught for underage consumption I'll find myself in the presence of FOOTBALL GREATNESS THAT MORTAL MINDS CAN BARELY BEGIN TO FATHOM! And I don't want to miss an opportunity like that. Solich will be doing it for the kids. Also for the court order and millions he'd lose if he was fired. Whoopsie lost-opportunities-and-funds-if-you-don't-play-ball-after- completely-embarrassing-an-administration- that-has-fought- for-a-tougher-stance-on- drinking-oodles!
(You can read about this here. Please ignore the fact they spelled our president's name wrong and that Frank was fired from Nebraska after going 9-3 not 7-7. I mean it's ABC, they dont have time for corrections when they put out such fine programming like According to Jim)
Yes, today Frank Solich, former Nebraska head coach, openly addmitted in court to charges of drunk driving. Something like this is sure to put a man's job in jeopardy seeing as he is a leader in the Athens community as well as a highly respected figure among the administration. Just kidding! He's keeping his job, I mean Frank the Tank got us 4 wins motherfucker! Hell yeah, we might be .500 next year and we aren't going to mess that up because some guy likes to tie one on before going out for a drive. Athens is a beautiful town that comes to life when you're seeing double. And behind a windshield this beauty is like magnified by forty thousand. Or something like that, the locals around there know the correct figure.
Besides if you read the report it's not so bad. Solich was stopped by police while he was slumped over the wheel of his vehicle. Because he was passed out drunk. And the car was in drive. Also it was pointed the wrong way on a one-way street. Whoopsie doodles!
Also I'd like to make a side note here. We have several one-way streets in the quaint and scenic town of Athens. I can recall fond memories as a freshmen being laughed at because I showed my status whenever I looked both ways at one of these streets. Well guess what assholes, just because it's one way doesn't mean cars are somehow physically incappable of driving the wrong way down them. I was taught to look both ways and in a place where the alcohol consumption level is greater then the water useage I think I'll put forth the energy to strain my neck for a passing glance at the other end of the street before I am mowed down by a faculty member simply because I wanted to appear 'in the know'.
Now back to the incomprable football genius and epic motivator Frank. I hope by now you've picked up on all the overblown compliments I've been giving him. I say these things because its all I have heard since we got him. Students can barely name our starting quaterback, and yes if you are wondering I have no idea who he is. We used to have AJ Hawk's brother, which I only knew because it was mentioned during an Ohio State game I had on. He's gone now, since that blood thirsty linebacker got all the talent in the family, and we are left with some schlub. So Frank has posters on the sides of trucks, t-shirts made in his honor and countless flyers, press appearences and write-ups in the newspapers. And yes he is a fine coach, however I didn't base my decision on an academic institution on who was running the football team. It was based off what college would take me. Thank god there was one.
I predict Frank is going to come out of this fine, seeing as he already brought national attention to the program and the incident happened in Ohio University over break, so no one is on the roads anyway. No one important I mean, if he took out a townie that would probably be covered up. He is going to be placed on probation, admit his mistake publicly and teach some alcohol awareness programs. Which means I got to get my drink on! If I get caught for underage consumption I'll find myself in the presence of FOOTBALL GREATNESS THAT MORTAL MINDS CAN BARELY BEGIN TO FATHOM! And I don't want to miss an opportunity like that. Solich will be doing it for the kids. Also for the court order and millions he'd lose if he was fired. Whoopsie lost-opportunities-and-funds-if-you-don't-play-ball-after- completely-embarrassing-an-administration- that-has-fought- for-a-tougher-stance-on- drinking-oodles!
(You can read about this here. Please ignore the fact they spelled our president's name wrong and that Frank was fired from Nebraska after going 9-3 not 7-7. I mean it's ABC, they dont have time for corrections when they put out such fine programming like According to Jim)
Jay Runner wrote this piece of shit at 2:28 PM
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