Beat The Draught

Yes it is, picture I found on the internet.

As a student at Ohio University I have learned many things, most of which pertaining to the subject of alcohol. Liquor before beer, never fear; beer before liquor, vomit quicker. Beer pong is a game of agility, whereas flip cup is a game of the mind. Beer + Weed = 'The Spins' (unless you do it the right way, then it’s totally sweet). But this past quarter, I found myself staring down a strange reality:

I hadn't gotten drunk the whole quarter.

True, this wouldn't be that odd of an occurrence had I gone to, say, Muskingum or Capital. But I go to Ohio University, #2 in the nation according to the Princeton Review of party schools, and most students say that they won't stop 'til we're #1 (so watch your backs, Wisconsin). I had gone to parties on occasion, I had attended the infamous Halloween celebrations, but nay, I hadn't been drunk.

Let me clarify that previous statement; I had gotten drunk enough to be not legally able to drive many times over the course of the quarter, but at O.U. that is not enough to be drunk. We prefer to be so drunk that a simple staircase is the equivalent of The Crag from the classic Nickelodeon show 'Guts.' The English language ceases to be a communication tool, as the mouth no longer acts as a means for imbibing food for survival and transforms into a vessel used solely for alcoholic fluids, Hungry Howie's, and male genitalia.

[Side note: 'Guts' and the show that came on right after it 'Legends of the Hidden Temple' were both awesome. If you haven’t seen them you missed some of the coolest television programming in history. Therefore, in remembrance of my homies, I am going to pour out a little bit of this bottle of alcohol in memoriam. Stay strong.]

So anyway, I was surprised that I had not gotten all that drunk. Sure, I was busy with school and I played a lot of poker, plus I spent a lot of time with comedy, but could that be all? Mostly I was just drinking to get a little bit buzzed and then stop. Then I remembered... Of course! It's so obvious now! The anti-drinking commercials O.U. made to combat the rampant drinking on campus!

For those of you not in the know, the university started their 'Stop at the Buzz' campaign over a year ago. They held a contest for students to create an anti-drinking commercial with the winner receiving $500, or enough money to be drunk for about 8-9 days. I can only imagine the incredibly poor quality of the losing videos of this contest, because the winning ones were just awful. Anyway, I thought about making one, but in the end I decided it was much more important to watch the last few minutes of whatever show I was watching. I obviously have a much higher appreciation for the commercials now, as they have stopped me from soiling my body with undue portions of beer and liquor. It is with this newfound respect for the art of university-sanctioned anti-drinking student-made commercial that I present my idea for a new one. It is entitled 'Beat the Draught.'

It starts out with a black screen with the words, 'Sometime in the Near Future...' With the voice over person saying the same thing as what is on the screen. Then, it fades to a video of President Bush saying, "Today, I have passed a Congress approved resolution to reinstate the Draught." This is followed by shots of a line of enlistees getting their uniforms, which are green camo, and their implements, which include a beer bong and a stack of plain red Dixie cups. After a few moments scanning the line from different angles we see a man sneaking away from the line, followed quickly by the military police hot on his tail. A chase ensues, and he hides in a back alley as the police pass. Then a man in a white van pulls up next to him. "Want to get out of this place?" "Yes!" He replies, and he hops into the back of the van that already has a few other people in it. The last scene follows the van for a few seconds and stops to pan over to a street sign that reads 'To Canada' with the voice over saying, "Remember, don’t let them pressure you. You can… Beat the Draught," and the words 'Beat the Draught' pop up on the screen.

Of course Bush probably won’t be that pleased should he see the commercial but he could never stop at the buzz anyway.