Reuben Tells You Why Your Favorite Music Sucks, Part 2: County Music Television
A little generic, but I think you know what I’m getting at. This subject covers not so much the actual abomination known as CMT, but instead 90% of all country music made since, I don’t know, how ‘bout 1997. Apparently, if you put on a cowboy hat and some denim and have a handlebar mustache you can sell a million records with simply god awful uncreative misogynistic lyrics and a whammy bar. A little hint from we here at Horrible People; stick with Willie Nelson and Johnny Cash (and Joaquin Phoenix’s exhumation and reincarnation).
This one’s going to be like shooting fish in a barrel (and I have a double barrel shotgun chalk full of hate).
1. Rich... But Not Smooth
Very high on the list of crappy corporate created country crapola (wow, that’s a whole lot of alliteration) is the ‘band’ Big and Rich. I use the term ‘band’ loosely because, much like so-called ‘boy band,’ I have never seen either of them actually playing a guitar. I’ve seen them holding them in their videos while grinning at an overhead boom camera, but not playing them. It’s a prop, not a tool (not unlike Britney Spears and a microphone). But I digress. Big and Rich does the song ‘Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy)’ which I hate for a few reasons but I’ll limit it to two. First, I hate any song that has half of its title in parenthesis. Just name the fucking song, there’s no need for multiple names. My name isn’t Hurricane (Reuben), because that would be retarded. Hurricane Reuben. Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy. Add a comma if you want. Go ahead, do it. Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy. Assholes. Second, it has become the drunk sorority girl anthem. Not the hot drunk sorority girls that might go home with me later if I play my cards right, but the ones that remind those hot girls that they ‘promised we’d all leave together’ and look like Garfield (the cat or the president). And I think we all know where the drunk sorority sing-along leads: group cry time on the street corner because ‘Jesse just doesn’t understand!’ Don’t bring that weak shit up in my house. They have some other songs, but they aren’t nearly as popular. Thank God.
2. Honkey Tonk Piece Of Crap
Contrary to popular belief, Tracy Atkins’ song ‘Honky Tonk Badonkadonk’ is not in fact music. It is the sound of Hell. At least that’s what’s track 1 in my version of Hell’s play list is. Number 2 is listening to all of the episodes of ‘Friends’ in succession. I’m amazed I haven’t shot him yet. Which record executive decided, ‘you know what, this guy has something here with his mixture of black slang, overused country lingo, and dance beats?’ If you know, please send their name and address to me as soon as possible.
3. The Dukes Of Bad Country
Jessica Simpson is hot. Willie Nelson is awesome. What could go wrong? Everything, apparently. I would just mute the video when it came on. Suffice it to say that shortly after the video came on the TV...
*see below if you didn't get that joke.
4. Never Trust A Man With Two First Names (And Two Greatest Hits Albums)
Toby Keith. What else can I say? You already know the Built Ford Tough. I can’t watch those commercials anymore. Just buying into the stereotype. I didn’t know any more stuff he did so I had to look him up because I couldn’t name a single Toby Keith song. Not one. Which is why I was most surprised when I saw that he has a greatest hits album. Shocking, huh? How about the fact that he has a second greatest hits album? That means the following things all had to occur: someone decided that Toby Keith had any hits at all let alone enough to release a greatest hits album, then a record exec had to ascribe to it, then he had to sell so many of those albums so as to get Toby to release more so called music, then he had to have so many more hits that he needed a whole second greatest hits album. I swear to you, I have never heard a Toby Keith song. Ever. I can’t explain his apparent popularity.
To sum up; I like country music. Real country music, not this preprocessed prepubescent pop prepackaged puke (wow, that’s a whole lot of alliteration). We are witnessing the downfall of country music. What once was a great form of music with the tradition of bluegrass and hillbilly has regressed into some form of bad vaudeville. A little bad music, a little bad comedy, a little poorly thought out explicit sexuality and cliché lyrics. Something for everybody. To hate.
*...I came on the TV. you idiots.
This one’s going to be like shooting fish in a barrel (and I have a double barrel shotgun chalk full of hate).
1. Rich... But Not Smooth
Very high on the list of crappy corporate created country crapola (wow, that’s a whole lot of alliteration) is the ‘band’ Big and Rich. I use the term ‘band’ loosely because, much like so-called ‘boy band,’ I have never seen either of them actually playing a guitar. I’ve seen them holding them in their videos while grinning at an overhead boom camera, but not playing them. It’s a prop, not a tool (not unlike Britney Spears and a microphone). But I digress. Big and Rich does the song ‘Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy)’ which I hate for a few reasons but I’ll limit it to two. First, I hate any song that has half of its title in parenthesis. Just name the fucking song, there’s no need for multiple names. My name isn’t Hurricane (Reuben), because that would be retarded. Hurricane Reuben. Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy. Add a comma if you want. Go ahead, do it. Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy. Assholes. Second, it has become the drunk sorority girl anthem. Not the hot drunk sorority girls that might go home with me later if I play my cards right, but the ones that remind those hot girls that they ‘promised we’d all leave together’ and look like Garfield (the cat or the president). And I think we all know where the drunk sorority sing-along leads: group cry time on the street corner because ‘Jesse just doesn’t understand!’ Don’t bring that weak shit up in my house. They have some other songs, but they aren’t nearly as popular. Thank God.
2. Honkey Tonk Piece Of Crap
Contrary to popular belief, Tracy Atkins’ song ‘Honky Tonk Badonkadonk’ is not in fact music. It is the sound of Hell. At least that’s what’s track 1 in my version of Hell’s play list is. Number 2 is listening to all of the episodes of ‘Friends’ in succession. I’m amazed I haven’t shot him yet. Which record executive decided, ‘you know what, this guy has something here with his mixture of black slang, overused country lingo, and dance beats?’ If you know, please send their name and address to me as soon as possible.
3. The Dukes Of Bad Country
Jessica Simpson is hot. Willie Nelson is awesome. What could go wrong? Everything, apparently. I would just mute the video when it came on. Suffice it to say that shortly after the video came on the TV...
*see below if you didn't get that joke.
4. Never Trust A Man With Two First Names (And Two Greatest Hits Albums)
Toby Keith. What else can I say? You already know the Built Ford Tough. I can’t watch those commercials anymore. Just buying into the stereotype. I didn’t know any more stuff he did so I had to look him up because I couldn’t name a single Toby Keith song. Not one. Which is why I was most surprised when I saw that he has a greatest hits album. Shocking, huh? How about the fact that he has a second greatest hits album? That means the following things all had to occur: someone decided that Toby Keith had any hits at all let alone enough to release a greatest hits album, then a record exec had to ascribe to it, then he had to sell so many of those albums so as to get Toby to release more so called music, then he had to have so many more hits that he needed a whole second greatest hits album. I swear to you, I have never heard a Toby Keith song. Ever. I can’t explain his apparent popularity.
To sum up; I like country music. Real country music, not this preprocessed prepubescent pop prepackaged puke (wow, that’s a whole lot of alliteration). We are witnessing the downfall of country music. What once was a great form of music with the tradition of bluegrass and hillbilly has regressed into some form of bad vaudeville. A little bad music, a little bad comedy, a little poorly thought out explicit sexuality and cliché lyrics. Something for everybody. To hate.
*...I came on the TV. you idiots.
reubs wrote this piece of shit at 11:48 AM
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