Horrible Obituaries
Does the word 'horrible' really need to be in the title of every post? Anyway...
Here's a joke for you: what's Superman's only weakness?
Answer: ponies!
Which brings me to our first rotting corpse...
Dana Reeve, the wife of popular cripple and terrible equestrian (hence the photo and the joke) Christopher Reeve, died recently at the age of 44 of lung cancer. The news results I'm getting on Google say she was an actress, but I don't remember her at all in any movies. I remember seeing her on TV singing someplace with her push-cart husband by her side, but no acting. I suppose she will be missed. By other people. Not me. She seemed nice enough, but she's just so easy of a target that I'm happy she's in the news one more time so I can rip her a new one (or reopen her old ones). Imagining having sex with that guy. Jesus Christ, it'd be like trying to put up a four person army tent by yourself, having to move everything around and hold everything up and all. One good thing about her passing is that someone famous finally died of cancer again. Fucking Lance Armstrong made it seem like you put on the plastic napkin ring and you not only survive cancer but you get to have sex with someone like Sheryl Crow every night. I've been smoking 10 cartons a day since they got together and Keira Knightly has not shown up at my dorm room yet. I guess I'm not famous enough yet (so vote for us at Top-Blogs). Thank God someone famous died of cancer again. Take the fucking rubber bands off of your arms, you once-trendy assholes. Keira, you know where to find me (I'm in your bushes).
And in coffin #2...
Kirby Puckett, the famed Minnesota Twins outfielder and wife beating enthusiast died of a stroke at age 45 earlier this month. The round mound of 5'8" 300 pound...ers (damn, I was so close to that rhyming) had a Hall of Fame career with the Twins and won 2 World Series, though you may not have known that because it was in the middle of fucking Minnesota (or as I call it, Canada Junior). He was forced into early retirement due to complications from glaucoma that caused him to lose sight in his right eye. That was a problem, considering the fact that depth perception is important for baseball players. Soon after, he began smoking marijuana (I would assume, with the glaucoma and the essentially being in Canada). Charges brought against him for groping a woman outside a bar in Eden Prarie, Minnesota, and trouble in his marriage (if by trouble you mean batting .350 career at your wife's head with your open hand) only made Kirby continue his usage of wacky weed (again, I would assume). Mounting social pressure in the Minnesota community, among other things, made Kirby feel uncomfortable enough to feel the need to move from his home to Arizona. I don't blame him. I've smoked weed or groped a woman under less traumatic circumstances. It's good to grope a woman every now and then, you know, to loosen up. Gets those creative juices flowing. Unless the woman is lactating, then it's other less pleasant juices (for me; babies like 'em though). On another note, who names their kid Kirby? Maybe it's because of the similarity of body type to the fluffy pink fella. Either way, fuck those parents of his for naming that kid Kirby. Are they dead yet? If not, somebody give me their address. I'll punch their throats in.
Last, and certainly deceased...
Don Knotts, the professional ridiculous looking man, most famous for his portrayals of goofy lawsuit-waiting-to-happen Barney Fife on 'The Andy Griffith Show' and creepy leisure suit wearing Ralph Furley on 'Three's Company,' died a few days ago at the age of 81. For those of you who don't know, he made millions upon millions of dollars off of playing the same bumbling idiotic character. Much like Denzel Washington; why has no one noticed that he plays the same character in every movie? Yea, you're very angry trying to solve why someone raped your wife/kidnapped your daughter/killed your best friend, we get it. Anyway, back to Don. He was good at that character, but it was the same goddamn character from 'Andy Griffith' to 'Chicken Little.' Many people are sad about his passing and I am as well, and the only reason I'm happy is because he lived a full life and I could write this post about it. But really, I mean, come on. He did look like this 24-7:
That's right, two old school video game references in one post. That's quality you don't get from Used Hack or Melody Platz. I couldn't find a good character for Dana Reeve. I could've used Princess Peach, but she wasn't married to 'Super Wheelchair Mario.' Punch the keys, for God sakes!
Nintendo executives would be idiots not to make that for GameCube.
Here's a joke for you: what's Superman's only weakness?
Answer: ponies!
Which brings me to our first rotting corpse...
Dana Reeve, the wife of popular cripple and terrible equestrian (hence the photo and the joke) Christopher Reeve, died recently at the age of 44 of lung cancer. The news results I'm getting on Google say she was an actress, but I don't remember her at all in any movies. I remember seeing her on TV singing someplace with her push-cart husband by her side, but no acting. I suppose she will be missed. By other people. Not me. She seemed nice enough, but she's just so easy of a target that I'm happy she's in the news one more time so I can rip her a new one (or reopen her old ones). Imagining having sex with that guy. Jesus Christ, it'd be like trying to put up a four person army tent by yourself, having to move everything around and hold everything up and all. One good thing about her passing is that someone famous finally died of cancer again. Fucking Lance Armstrong made it seem like you put on the plastic napkin ring and you not only survive cancer but you get to have sex with someone like Sheryl Crow every night. I've been smoking 10 cartons a day since they got together and Keira Knightly has not shown up at my dorm room yet. I guess I'm not famous enough yet (so vote for us at Top-Blogs). Thank God someone famous died of cancer again. Take the fucking rubber bands off of your arms, you once-trendy assholes. Keira, you know where to find me (I'm in your bushes).And in coffin #2...
Kirby Puckett, the famed Minnesota Twins outfielder and wife beating enthusiast died of a stroke at age 45 earlier this month. The round mound of 5'8" 300 pound...ers (damn, I was so close to that rhyming) had a Hall of Fame career with the Twins and won 2 World Series, though you may not have known that because it was in the middle of fucking Minnesota (or as I call it, Canada Junior). He was forced into early retirement due to complications from glaucoma that caused him to lose sight in his right eye. That was a problem, considering the fact that depth perception is important for baseball players. Soon after, he began smoking marijuana (I would assume, with the glaucoma and the essentially being in Canada). Charges brought against him for groping a woman outside a bar in Eden Prarie, Minnesota, and trouble in his marriage (if by trouble you mean batting .350 career at your wife's head with your open hand) only made Kirby continue his usage of wacky weed (again, I would assume). Mounting social pressure in the Minnesota community, among other things, made Kirby feel uncomfortable enough to feel the need to move from his home to Arizona. I don't blame him. I've smoked weed or groped a woman under less traumatic circumstances. It's good to grope a woman every now and then, you know, to loosen up. Gets those creative juices flowing. Unless the woman is lactating, then it's other less pleasant juices (for me; babies like 'em though). On another note, who names their kid Kirby? Maybe it's because of the similarity of body type to the fluffy pink fella. Either way, fuck those parents of his for naming that kid Kirby. Are they dead yet? If not, somebody give me their address. I'll punch their throats in.Last, and certainly deceased...
Don Knotts, the professional ridiculous looking man, most famous for his portrayals of goofy lawsuit-waiting-to-happen Barney Fife on 'The Andy Griffith Show' and creepy leisure suit wearing Ralph Furley on 'Three's Company,' died a few days ago at the age of 81. For those of you who don't know, he made millions upon millions of dollars off of playing the same bumbling idiotic character. Much like Denzel Washington; why has no one noticed that he plays the same character in every movie? Yea, you're very angry trying to solve why someone raped your wife/kidnapped your daughter/killed your best friend, we get it. Anyway, back to Don. He was good at that character, but it was the same goddamn character from 'Andy Griffith' to 'Chicken Little.' Many people are sad about his passing and I am as well, and the only reason I'm happy is because he lived a full life and I could write this post about it. But really, I mean, come on. He did look like this 24-7:
That's right, two old school video game references in one post. That's quality you don't get from Used Hack or Melody Platz. I couldn't find a good character for Dana Reeve. I could've used Princess Peach, but she wasn't married to 'Super Wheelchair Mario.' Punch the keys, for God sakes!
Nintendo executives would be idiots not to make that for GameCube.
reubs wrote this piece of shit at 10:37 AM
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