If I were...A Professional Wrestling Referee
I'd take my job seriously. I mean the referees these days just don't seem to have the same work ethic or accountability of the good ol' days. If I were a referee I'd make sure that every match was run clean and only the true winner's hand would be raised, left to grasp the coveted belt for whatever the hell champion he just became.
I'd make sure to have a strong grasp of the glorious sport that is pro wrestling. I'd understand rules and legal moves. I wouldn't question when punches fly past an opponents face only catching air and yet the force of that whiff still somehow manage to bring a full grown man to the canvas. Nor would I be confused to the fact that punches are always accompanied by loud stomping of the mat. I mean those punches have to be loud enough don't they? Isn't stomping excessive? But I digress.
For I'd also not let outside the ring activity distract me. I have a duty in the ring and goddamit I am going to fufill it. If a loud mouth manager grabs my leg I'll make sure to get free and focus on the action so no foul play can occur. And if a fighter's girlfriend's big ol' titties are hanging out I won't stop and stare while action takes place behind me. My main responsibility is to those fighters and to those same fighters I say this: You can count on me.
Please know that if I were a pro wrestling referee I'd make sure to question the shattered remains of a 6 string acoustic guitar or a broken beer bottle around a fighters skull before I made that 3 count. I mean, I have no idea how such unlikely items could soil the otherwise pure sport. If those items were used in anyway to injure a fighter I'd stop and possibly ask a secondary observer, let's say the hollering red-faced announcer, as to what has transpired.
I'd also pledge that if I am crushed by a wrestler's finishing move on accident or my skull is caved in by a steel folding chair I would not make an immediate three count for the first person I see pinned. I have just taken on massive head trauma and am in no way capable of calling a fair fight. In this case I think I'd assume a fighter with a checkered past, lets say someone who has beaten me from behind with hockey sticks, alluminum ladders, baseball bats, championship belts and other object before may not get my full confidence when I regain consciousness. After watching replays of other referees and most likely myself being violently bludgened I'd try to remain level headed during a fight in order to see it through till the end.
If I were a pro wrestling referee I would be the best.
I'd make sure to have a strong grasp of the glorious sport that is pro wrestling. I'd understand rules and legal moves. I wouldn't question when punches fly past an opponents face only catching air and yet the force of that whiff still somehow manage to bring a full grown man to the canvas. Nor would I be confused to the fact that punches are always accompanied by loud stomping of the mat. I mean those punches have to be loud enough don't they? Isn't stomping excessive? But I digress.
For I'd also not let outside the ring activity distract me. I have a duty in the ring and goddamit I am going to fufill it. If a loud mouth manager grabs my leg I'll make sure to get free and focus on the action so no foul play can occur. And if a fighter's girlfriend's big ol' titties are hanging out I won't stop and stare while action takes place behind me. My main responsibility is to those fighters and to those same fighters I say this: You can count on me.
Please know that if I were a pro wrestling referee I'd make sure to question the shattered remains of a 6 string acoustic guitar or a broken beer bottle around a fighters skull before I made that 3 count. I mean, I have no idea how such unlikely items could soil the otherwise pure sport. If those items were used in anyway to injure a fighter I'd stop and possibly ask a secondary observer, let's say the hollering red-faced announcer, as to what has transpired.
I'd also pledge that if I am crushed by a wrestler's finishing move on accident or my skull is caved in by a steel folding chair I would not make an immediate three count for the first person I see pinned. I have just taken on massive head trauma and am in no way capable of calling a fair fight. In this case I think I'd assume a fighter with a checkered past, lets say someone who has beaten me from behind with hockey sticks, alluminum ladders, baseball bats, championship belts and other object before may not get my full confidence when I regain consciousness. After watching replays of other referees and most likely myself being violently bludgened I'd try to remain level headed during a fight in order to see it through till the end.
If I were a pro wrestling referee I would be the best.
Jay Runner wrote this piece of shit at 2:06 PM
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