My Horrible Retirement Plan
There comes a time in every person's life when they need to give a serious look at their future. Carefully analyze the choices that lie ahead and follow through on goals that are set, in order to achieve the life one truly desires. I've begun to do just that and have slowly come to realize I am totally fucked. I have no work ethic, a pessimistic attitude and an unusually high tolerance for failure. Because trying hard and falling short is a lot more work than not bothering. Couple those characteristics with a dipping economy, that will likely reach its lowest point upon my graduation and resource depletion that will cripple the world market and I'm facing a future that looks more like Mad Max than Richie Rich.
With these startling conclusions in mind I see that I need an escape plan out of my doomed life and quick. I will not allow myself stuck working alongside past high school state champion quarterbacks, in blue smocks at Wal-Mart. I need a plan that gets me in the field I love and the kind of money I can stay comfortable on. So I've reached the best possible solution: Trophy Wife.
It's pretty much the only available option I have that gets me in the field I enjoy; doing nothing, along with the kind of money I expect to live on; a shitload. Now that leaves the question of where to begin. I've got a lot riding on this being my new destiny and all, so I have to get it right the first time. Better look at some role models first. It may give me some inspiration when learning about the courageous gold diggers that blazed a trail before me, so that I might be able to humbly follow in their footsteps. Here are 3 of the best and no, I will not include the corpse marrying whore Anna Nicole Smith because she may not get the money and had to lick that mummy's balls for almost a decade.
Amy Irving divorces Steven Spielberg, resulting in a 100 million dollar windfall. And that's 100 million in 1989 dollars, today tallying about 148 million. That's an awful lot of scratch for only needing to take care of their one son, Max. Hope he can get by on such a meager allowance. What do I take from this? The woman could spot a winner, marrying Spielberg shortly after the release of Jaws which would be the launching of his career and subsequent movie empire. Find the talent fast, and dupe a nice guy, since the split was amiable she still makes it to Oscar parties.
Melissa Mathison divorces Harrison Ford, obtaining 118 million in the settlement. Alright, not too shabby but there is a bonus to the end of this 18 year fling, she receives half of the royalties on any Harrison Ford film made during their time together (1983-2001). You pick up a DVD copy of the Fugitive? Money in the bank for Mathison. Enjoy Indian Jones or Patriot Games? Not nearly as much as this goddess of alimony. However, any fan boy who can barely hide his boner while unwrapping a special edition Star Wars doesn't help since in 1977 Ford was still working part time as a carpenter. What do I learn? Hit it early because you don't want to miss out on extra earnings from legions of geeks.
Anna Murdoch's epic haul from Rupert Murdoch, 1.7 billion in assets and 110 million in cash. That's 1.7 Billion with a 'B'. B as in FUCKING 1.7 BILLION! And all she had to do was bump uglies with the devil incarnate. Good times. Squeeze out three kids and try to smile when 17 days after the divorce of the 37 year marriage, Rupert goes off to marry Wendi Deng, the same woman he was having an affair with. Just sit back and smile Anna because if you add the assets value with the cash it's like you won the Powerball five times over.
Those are some large shoes to fill if I strive to be the best. I'll have a little help though, because I'm not going into this blind. No, I am going to know all the tricks, thanks to Mysterious Luva and her book "Sex a Baller out of His Mind and Money".
Wow, an essence magazine bestseller! That's like the New York Times list without the credibility! I bet the most mysterious thing about Mysterious Luva is her STD diagnosis, a hybrid breed of syphilis and bid flu is mysterious!
Contained in this book are all the tricks you need to learn to seduce, use and discard of your very own baller. It boasts to have such guaranteed tactics on where to find a baller, which ballers have the biggest penis and the top 20 baller sex positions (photos!). Wow such a comprehensive guide, looks like it's a battle for second in the race for Pulitzer. Some sure fire examples to make your man lose his mind is to tell him to "cum in [your] mouth" and feel free to rub the baby batter like lotion on your skin. Thank you Mysterious Luva for teaching me strategies I could never learn, unless I watched any hardcore porno in the 1.99 bin at Spanky's Adult Video.
This plan might not work considering I look less like a video honey and more like Pee Wee Herman. I'm just going to play the Powerball, if it hits I wont have as much as some of these women but I will be able to look into the mirror.
Just kidding, with 1.7 billion I can pay people to smash any mirror in 50 miles of me. I'm putting on my whoring boots.
With these startling conclusions in mind I see that I need an escape plan out of my doomed life and quick. I will not allow myself stuck working alongside past high school state champion quarterbacks, in blue smocks at Wal-Mart. I need a plan that gets me in the field I love and the kind of money I can stay comfortable on. So I've reached the best possible solution: Trophy Wife.
It's pretty much the only available option I have that gets me in the field I enjoy; doing nothing, along with the kind of money I expect to live on; a shitload. Now that leaves the question of where to begin. I've got a lot riding on this being my new destiny and all, so I have to get it right the first time. Better look at some role models first. It may give me some inspiration when learning about the courageous gold diggers that blazed a trail before me, so that I might be able to humbly follow in their footsteps. Here are 3 of the best and no, I will not include the corpse marrying whore Anna Nicole Smith because she may not get the money and had to lick that mummy's balls for almost a decade.
Amy Irving divorces Steven Spielberg, resulting in a 100 million dollar windfall. And that's 100 million in 1989 dollars, today tallying about 148 million. That's an awful lot of scratch for only needing to take care of their one son, Max. Hope he can get by on such a meager allowance. What do I take from this? The woman could spot a winner, marrying Spielberg shortly after the release of Jaws which would be the launching of his career and subsequent movie empire. Find the talent fast, and dupe a nice guy, since the split was amiable she still makes it to Oscar parties.
Melissa Mathison divorces Harrison Ford, obtaining 118 million in the settlement. Alright, not too shabby but there is a bonus to the end of this 18 year fling, she receives half of the royalties on any Harrison Ford film made during their time together (1983-2001). You pick up a DVD copy of the Fugitive? Money in the bank for Mathison. Enjoy Indian Jones or Patriot Games? Not nearly as much as this goddess of alimony. However, any fan boy who can barely hide his boner while unwrapping a special edition Star Wars doesn't help since in 1977 Ford was still working part time as a carpenter. What do I learn? Hit it early because you don't want to miss out on extra earnings from legions of geeks.
Anna Murdoch's epic haul from Rupert Murdoch, 1.7 billion in assets and 110 million in cash. That's 1.7 Billion with a 'B'. B as in FUCKING 1.7 BILLION! And all she had to do was bump uglies with the devil incarnate. Good times. Squeeze out three kids and try to smile when 17 days after the divorce of the 37 year marriage, Rupert goes off to marry Wendi Deng, the same woman he was having an affair with. Just sit back and smile Anna because if you add the assets value with the cash it's like you won the Powerball five times over.
Those are some large shoes to fill if I strive to be the best. I'll have a little help though, because I'm not going into this blind. No, I am going to know all the tricks, thanks to Mysterious Luva and her book "Sex a Baller out of His Mind and Money".
Wow, an essence magazine bestseller! That's like the New York Times list without the credibility! I bet the most mysterious thing about Mysterious Luva is her STD diagnosis, a hybrid breed of syphilis and bid flu is mysterious!
Contained in this book are all the tricks you need to learn to seduce, use and discard of your very own baller. It boasts to have such guaranteed tactics on where to find a baller, which ballers have the biggest penis and the top 20 baller sex positions (photos!). Wow such a comprehensive guide, looks like it's a battle for second in the race for Pulitzer. Some sure fire examples to make your man lose his mind is to tell him to "cum in [your] mouth" and feel free to rub the baby batter like lotion on your skin. Thank you Mysterious Luva for teaching me strategies I could never learn, unless I watched any hardcore porno in the 1.99 bin at Spanky's Adult Video.
This plan might not work considering I look less like a video honey and more like Pee Wee Herman. I'm just going to play the Powerball, if it hits I wont have as much as some of these women but I will be able to look into the mirror.
Just kidding, with 1.7 billion I can pay people to smash any mirror in 50 miles of me. I'm putting on my whoring boots.
Jay Runner wrote this piece of shit at 12:40 PM
2 Horrible Comments:
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