A Compelation of Relatively Funny One Liners, Bad Jokes, and Awkward Things to Say, Part II

These ones are slightly more disjointed and random than the last post of similar ilk I did a while back. Screw it; I get the jokes, if you people can't keep up with the tour then you should have bought the visitor's guide. Read 'em. Skip the ones you don't get right away and come back to them at the end of the quiz.

If I could eat lunch with any three people in history, alive or dead, I think I would choose alive.

According to a new study, people are becoming more accepting of fat people unless they’re on top.

How does that phone cord get so tangled? All I do is talk, and hang up. I don't pick it up and do a cartwheel and a triple lutz.

I recently saw a guy without a chin, and I couldn't help but think, 'how does that guy play violin?'

I tried walking through a drive-thru once, and the guy at the window told me that I needed to be in a vehicle to order from the drive-thru. So I bought a Wonder Woman outfit. (I'll let that one sink in before we move on)

I was pissing the other day and two streams came out. Like washer fluid or something. I guess a piece of lint from my boxers got stuck in there. I always wonder if things like that happen to women. I guess you’d have to be missing a gym sock or something.

I hate going to weddings. Uncles and aunts like to slap me on the shoulder and ask, 'When is it your turn?' They stopped doing that after I started doing the same with them at funerals.

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?

A mouse trap, balanced carefully on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Ever been stuck behind an accident and when you finally see the wreckage you're happy? 'Things should pick up now, just as soon as we pass this carnage.'

According to a new survey, 76 percent of women said what they look for most in a man is a sense of humor and a good personality. This was a survey published in 'Full of Crap' Magazine.

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger and the next morning you can buy it back for seventy five cents.

I like that the Taliban train for thier jobs but I feel like, when I see the videos, they're not training for the right jobs. I hope they know we don't have a lot of monkey bars here.

Don't buy burial insurance. Trust me, they will bury you anyway. Know why? Because society hates a rotting corpse.

A woman I went out with a while ago told me she had a yeast infection. I had no idea what that meant, but I had a decent guess because my mom bakes. I’m always in the market for quality baked goods.

Remember, war never solved anything. Except slavery.

We have women in the military, but they don't put them on the front lines. They don't know if they can fight, but I think they can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'

That's the end. See you all in hell.