Holiday gift ideas, the horrible way
Commercialism is now the foundation that the holiday season is built upon. This is because the original roots explaining why Christmas and Channuka were started is shrouded in mystery with millions left only to guess at their beginnings. And let's not forget about Kwanza, then again how can you forget about something you don't even consider in the first place? Whatever the terrifying or brutal mythology that birthed these insane celebrations no longer matters in the borders of the U.S.A., because capitalism has diluted the entire culture. Advertisers don't want a whole lotta beliefs and religion getting in the way because some people may get offended. And unhappy consumers don't buy shit, they just complain.
But enough with the history lesson, this is stuff they teach in grade school. Just wanted to make sure everyone is on the same page so the topic is understood. That topic being the dangers of buying the most horrible gifts imaginable. I don't think highly of the common populous. There could be readers out there this moment with every muscle soaked in egg nog and I am not trusting them with the clear judgement to reject a terrible present when they see it. I'm gonna break these down into simple categories with examples that best represent the awful and dangerous nature of those gifts. Let's get this party started.
Cool for the Kids; Cooler for Adults:
This is a dangerous trap where mostly parents of younger children fall prey. This is seen with gifts like an etch-a-sketch or socks, no clean up for adults and no fun for anybody. However, this warning is mostly for the kids to look out for because parents still buy these 'toys' since they benefit them and not their dependents. Since I know we have a huge 6-12 aged demographic reading this sit, thanks to all the e-mails Miller Time sends out soliciting, uh I mean, befriending youngsters, they need to listen up and exercise some grown-up awareness. What those kids need to ask themselves in this situation is "does this cool gift from my parents actually have a sinister plot behind it?". For the spastic, A.D.D. riddled youth I have an example with colorful pictures to hold their attention.
This is the IonKids tracking device from Bluespan. Except kids aren't told it's a tracking device, they are told its a 'way ultra-hip fun wristband'. What they dont know is if they wander to far the wrist tag will send the base unit an alert signal and then give directions leading to the child. Suddenly all your independent childhood experiences are gone. No running off with friends to play kickball, no hiding out in women's changing rooms peeking under stalls and no time with the super cool hairy neighbor that offers you candy and van rides. Parental paranoia equas zero fun for our nations tikes. If you receive this as a gift its best to wrap it around a hobos ankle and tell him you heard of a free liqour give away at the shelter across town. This device was so close to being cool too, if only it released a seizure inducing electrical shock when a child strolled off instead of a warning beep.
Add to the Cool:
Some companies just can't compete when trying to emulate the coolest gadgets and playthings. But how are they gonna make a dime off the latest trends if they don't feel like working at creating a superior product? Simple, make a shitty and useless accessory and push it on the public as the new 'it' item. Companies that design covers for cell phones and Ipods are the most prevalently seen, but I think with Old-Man Winter it wont be long before we're all warming up to this fun little gift.
It's the Iparka! The fun way to dress up your Ipod shuffle for the cold months. And I wonder if it comes with mini bags of crack rocks to deal out of these thug coats. Maybe my shuffle can get into a knife fight with a rival gang member or perhaps be seen in the background of a Mike Jones video. Or maybe I just wont shell out 60 dollars plus to play dress up with a fucking mp3 player. How bad must it feel working in a sweat shop for 3 cents an hour knowing that your growing arthritis and disdain for living is direcly caused by sewing the outerwear for yuppie dot commer's music players. I bet its not swell. Not swell at all.
Wacky, Cute and Fun:
Normally its stupid, creepy or unoriginal. You want a pet rock or more magic-eye calendars? Hell no, because they don't bleed awesome. Marketing for these cheap toys usually falls under the fad department. Its the latest greatest thing that everyone is getting. Furbies, Tickle me Elmo and Cabbage Patch kids are the leading contenders in this parade of awful toys that had the longevity of an American Idols career. I came across the hot, new and undeniably disturbing treat that's selling out in Sweden and soon to make headlines here. Pee and Poo!
Christ almighty, I wish I was making this up. Out of the toilet and into your child's arms and heart, these adorable plush toys of urine and feces will become a part of the family. These charmming and completely tasetful creatures just scream cute and your loved ones will find them irreverent and amusing. This is of course assuming your family is completely comfortable with human waste being looked at as not only a normality but something to be loved. Imagine your son, with his G.I. Joes and transformers having to face his giant yellow monster that is washing over. Or perhaps your baby girl, snuggling up with her mound of shit, holding it close to her chest as she lays down for bed and ever so gently places a soft kiss on the brown pile. I just threw up a little on my shirt. I hope we show a little more restraint then those monstrous Swedes but if you've ever watched some eastern european porn, and dont act like you haven't, you know they are quite comfortable with bodily feculence*.
Simply Awful:
Just the most ill-advised and least thought out gift imaginable. Think wool sweater with hot pink reindeer or maybe a Blue Collar TV DVD. Any gift that literally makes you love the person who gave it to you a little less. Something that makes the joy from your face slowly dissipate upon completion of tearing off the wrapping paper. Gifts that just make you question why you bother getting out of bed at all. There's only one gift I thought of for this case.
Its a doll with downs syndrome. Yep. No joke here. Because it is hilarious on its own. From Downsyndromedolls.com these 'wonderfully unique' dolls tug at our heart strings and let's face facts, tickle our funny bone. I owned a 'My Buddy' doll as a kid and took him on bike rides and to tea parties. Dont judge me, me and Buddy were looking for pussy at those sissy get togethers. Now if I opened up a doll with special needs on Christmas morning I don't know if i could handle it. Are parents trying to give their kids some confidence by giving them a friend that they'll never feel inadequate too? Or are these dolls meant for those special children who need to be reminded of their disability by giving them a facsimile, right down to the sloping forehead and tongue lolling out. The site says this little guy's name is Thomas, 'let's meet in the park and ride bikes' he tells me on his page. I'd love to Thomas, but I'm afraid my parents don't allow the handicapped to go racing around on two wheels because they have extremely poor motor control. I also don't really feel the need to spend my Sunday afternoon cleaning the scrapes off a mental deffecient. Thats when the Browns are on CBS losing, I am afraid you'll have to be tied up to the water heater in the basement when the game is on.
So those were the bad and the ugly of holiday gifts. If you'd like to purchase any of these items they are all available online and you are obviously a complete moron who missed the point. Maybe you can buy a downs doll for yourself and accompany him with Poo and Pee as well as dressing up his hand with an Iparka and put kiddy tracking devices on everything. Better yet just wait for my next look at kick ass gifts to buy for people you know they'll be wrong for so you can use them yourself. Please enjoy the holidays.
*Horrible People 10 point Dare: Use the word feculence at your next dinner party! Don't let us down, and remember the reader with the most points at the end of the year wins!
But enough with the history lesson, this is stuff they teach in grade school. Just wanted to make sure everyone is on the same page so the topic is understood. That topic being the dangers of buying the most horrible gifts imaginable. I don't think highly of the common populous. There could be readers out there this moment with every muscle soaked in egg nog and I am not trusting them with the clear judgement to reject a terrible present when they see it. I'm gonna break these down into simple categories with examples that best represent the awful and dangerous nature of those gifts. Let's get this party started.
Cool for the Kids; Cooler for Adults:
This is a dangerous trap where mostly parents of younger children fall prey. This is seen with gifts like an etch-a-sketch or socks, no clean up for adults and no fun for anybody. However, this warning is mostly for the kids to look out for because parents still buy these 'toys' since they benefit them and not their dependents. Since I know we have a huge 6-12 aged demographic reading this sit, thanks to all the e-mails Miller Time sends out soliciting, uh I mean, befriending youngsters, they need to listen up and exercise some grown-up awareness. What those kids need to ask themselves in this situation is "does this cool gift from my parents actually have a sinister plot behind it?". For the spastic, A.D.D. riddled youth I have an example with colorful pictures to hold their attention.
This is the IonKids tracking device from Bluespan. Except kids aren't told it's a tracking device, they are told its a 'way ultra-hip fun wristband'. What they dont know is if they wander to far the wrist tag will send the base unit an alert signal and then give directions leading to the child. Suddenly all your independent childhood experiences are gone. No running off with friends to play kickball, no hiding out in women's changing rooms peeking under stalls and no time with the super cool hairy neighbor that offers you candy and van rides. Parental paranoia equas zero fun for our nations tikes. If you receive this as a gift its best to wrap it around a hobos ankle and tell him you heard of a free liqour give away at the shelter across town. This device was so close to being cool too, if only it released a seizure inducing electrical shock when a child strolled off instead of a warning beep.
Add to the Cool:
Some companies just can't compete when trying to emulate the coolest gadgets and playthings. But how are they gonna make a dime off the latest trends if they don't feel like working at creating a superior product? Simple, make a shitty and useless accessory and push it on the public as the new 'it' item. Companies that design covers for cell phones and Ipods are the most prevalently seen, but I think with Old-Man Winter it wont be long before we're all warming up to this fun little gift.
It's the Iparka! The fun way to dress up your Ipod shuffle for the cold months. And I wonder if it comes with mini bags of crack rocks to deal out of these thug coats. Maybe my shuffle can get into a knife fight with a rival gang member or perhaps be seen in the background of a Mike Jones video. Or maybe I just wont shell out 60 dollars plus to play dress up with a fucking mp3 player. How bad must it feel working in a sweat shop for 3 cents an hour knowing that your growing arthritis and disdain for living is direcly caused by sewing the outerwear for yuppie dot commer's music players. I bet its not swell. Not swell at all.
Wacky, Cute and Fun:
Normally its stupid, creepy or unoriginal. You want a pet rock or more magic-eye calendars? Hell no, because they don't bleed awesome. Marketing for these cheap toys usually falls under the fad department. Its the latest greatest thing that everyone is getting. Furbies, Tickle me Elmo and Cabbage Patch kids are the leading contenders in this parade of awful toys that had the longevity of an American Idols career. I came across the hot, new and undeniably disturbing treat that's selling out in Sweden and soon to make headlines here. Pee and Poo!
Christ almighty, I wish I was making this up. Out of the toilet and into your child's arms and heart, these adorable plush toys of urine and feces will become a part of the family. These charmming and completely tasetful creatures just scream cute and your loved ones will find them irreverent and amusing. This is of course assuming your family is completely comfortable with human waste being looked at as not only a normality but something to be loved. Imagine your son, with his G.I. Joes and transformers having to face his giant yellow monster that is washing over. Or perhaps your baby girl, snuggling up with her mound of shit, holding it close to her chest as she lays down for bed and ever so gently places a soft kiss on the brown pile. I just threw up a little on my shirt. I hope we show a little more restraint then those monstrous Swedes but if you've ever watched some eastern european porn, and dont act like you haven't, you know they are quite comfortable with bodily feculence*.
Simply Awful:
Just the most ill-advised and least thought out gift imaginable. Think wool sweater with hot pink reindeer or maybe a Blue Collar TV DVD. Any gift that literally makes you love the person who gave it to you a little less. Something that makes the joy from your face slowly dissipate upon completion of tearing off the wrapping paper. Gifts that just make you question why you bother getting out of bed at all. There's only one gift I thought of for this case.
Its a doll with downs syndrome. Yep. No joke here. Because it is hilarious on its own. From Downsyndromedolls.com these 'wonderfully unique' dolls tug at our heart strings and let's face facts, tickle our funny bone. I owned a 'My Buddy' doll as a kid and took him on bike rides and to tea parties. Dont judge me, me and Buddy were looking for pussy at those sissy get togethers. Now if I opened up a doll with special needs on Christmas morning I don't know if i could handle it. Are parents trying to give their kids some confidence by giving them a friend that they'll never feel inadequate too? Or are these dolls meant for those special children who need to be reminded of their disability by giving them a facsimile, right down to the sloping forehead and tongue lolling out. The site says this little guy's name is Thomas, 'let's meet in the park and ride bikes' he tells me on his page. I'd love to Thomas, but I'm afraid my parents don't allow the handicapped to go racing around on two wheels because they have extremely poor motor control. I also don't really feel the need to spend my Sunday afternoon cleaning the scrapes off a mental deffecient. Thats when the Browns are on CBS losing, I am afraid you'll have to be tied up to the water heater in the basement when the game is on.
So those were the bad and the ugly of holiday gifts. If you'd like to purchase any of these items they are all available online and you are obviously a complete moron who missed the point. Maybe you can buy a downs doll for yourself and accompany him with Poo and Pee as well as dressing up his hand with an Iparka and put kiddy tracking devices on everything. Better yet just wait for my next look at kick ass gifts to buy for people you know they'll be wrong for so you can use them yourself. Please enjoy the holidays.
*Horrible People 10 point Dare: Use the word feculence at your next dinner party! Don't let us down, and remember the reader with the most points at the end of the year wins!
Jay Runner wrote this piece of shit at 1:36 AM
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