Corpus Colossus
Don't call it a comeback.
You thought we'd given up. Come on, you can be honest with us. You thought we'd abandoned you. No, really, it's okay to think that we blew our brains out with buckshot after listening to that new AFI pile of shit for the thousanth time. Maybe you thought we'd thrown ourselves into the path of an oncoming Amtrak after having been witness to Barry Manilow beating out Stephen Colbert for 'Best Variety Show Performance' Emmy this past week. Yes, you heard me right: Barry Manilow. Perhaps you thought I had myself guillotined because I got the dreaded 12-13 wraparound pick in my fantasy draft. Well, fear not. Though these things may make me want to bash my head in with some sort of blunt object the Horrible People have returned to keep your souls out of heaven and your minds in the gutters. It's time to go back to work at the same old stand. Let's get to it, shall we?
I have been doing very little this summer. I work part time at a pizza shop here in Bexley, but other than that I watch TV and smoke hookah. For those of you who don't know what hookah is, please remember that you are no longer 'hip' and then consult someone who wasn't born before 1978. As a televisionoholic I find myself watching terrible shows, and more specifically terrible stand-up comedy specials, constantly. Everywhere I turn there's some Chris Rock wannabe or peeved mother of two whose mad as hell about 'the kids these days, what with the clothes and the hair and the music television.' I have found that many comedians that I find unfunny do a bit (during thier brief time in the spotlight before slinking back into darkness) about the differences between men and women and then make observations that are neither funny nor insightful. So I thought I'd try my hand at attempting to do either.
One of the main differences between men and women is the connection between the left and right brain halves. The right brain has more to do with the artistic and emotional functions and the left brain has more to do with the logical and logistical functions. The bridge that connects the two is called the Corpus Callosum and, scientifically speaking, it has been shown that women have bigger ones. This is why women can do two things at once, like, say, masturbate and think about counting carbs. Men can't do that. Even if it's something men really like we can't think about it while masturbating. 'Ooooh, my God! 1967 Maserati!' Doesn't happen. We're only thinking one thing: 'I hope i locked the door.' That's it for us. But since women can multitask they can do that. But it's still a trade off. Since the logical part of a woman's brain is more closely linked to the emotional part it also means that every little decision is potentially emotionally important, which is why it takes 45 minutes for a woman to get ready to go out because in thier mind if they wear the wrong pair of shoes there could be drastic psychological reprecussions. Men don't have to deal with that, but since we can't multitask as well we have to turn down the radio in the car when we're trying to find an exit ramp. It's a trade off.
Also, women cry when you punch 'em. That one is pretty cut and dried.
You thought we'd given up. Come on, you can be honest with us. You thought we'd abandoned you. No, really, it's okay to think that we blew our brains out with buckshot after listening to that new AFI pile of shit for the thousanth time. Maybe you thought we'd thrown ourselves into the path of an oncoming Amtrak after having been witness to Barry Manilow beating out Stephen Colbert for 'Best Variety Show Performance' Emmy this past week. Yes, you heard me right: Barry Manilow. Perhaps you thought I had myself guillotined because I got the dreaded 12-13 wraparound pick in my fantasy draft. Well, fear not. Though these things may make me want to bash my head in with some sort of blunt object the Horrible People have returned to keep your souls out of heaven and your minds in the gutters. It's time to go back to work at the same old stand. Let's get to it, shall we?
I have been doing very little this summer. I work part time at a pizza shop here in Bexley, but other than that I watch TV and smoke hookah. For those of you who don't know what hookah is, please remember that you are no longer 'hip' and then consult someone who wasn't born before 1978. As a televisionoholic I find myself watching terrible shows, and more specifically terrible stand-up comedy specials, constantly. Everywhere I turn there's some Chris Rock wannabe or peeved mother of two whose mad as hell about 'the kids these days, what with the clothes and the hair and the music television.' I have found that many comedians that I find unfunny do a bit (during thier brief time in the spotlight before slinking back into darkness) about the differences between men and women and then make observations that are neither funny nor insightful. So I thought I'd try my hand at attempting to do either.
One of the main differences between men and women is the connection between the left and right brain halves. The right brain has more to do with the artistic and emotional functions and the left brain has more to do with the logical and logistical functions. The bridge that connects the two is called the Corpus Callosum and, scientifically speaking, it has been shown that women have bigger ones. This is why women can do two things at once, like, say, masturbate and think about counting carbs. Men can't do that. Even if it's something men really like we can't think about it while masturbating. 'Ooooh, my God! 1967 Maserati!' Doesn't happen. We're only thinking one thing: 'I hope i locked the door.' That's it for us. But since women can multitask they can do that. But it's still a trade off. Since the logical part of a woman's brain is more closely linked to the emotional part it also means that every little decision is potentially emotionally important, which is why it takes 45 minutes for a woman to get ready to go out because in thier mind if they wear the wrong pair of shoes there could be drastic psychological reprecussions. Men don't have to deal with that, but since we can't multitask as well we have to turn down the radio in the car when we're trying to find an exit ramp. It's a trade off.
Also, women cry when you punch 'em. That one is pretty cut and dried.
reubs wrote this piece of shit at 4:44 PM
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