We got Frank, Frank's got problems...

Ohio University is already making its run for the number one party school. We got a taste of the good life at number two and have made strides to exceed that but we have outdone ourselves this time. The open burning of furniture as well as drunken assaults on Halloween were all respectable, but now our sphere of partying influence has even taken over those in charge. I know this because yesterday our new football coach, nay, our field general and mastermind... wait even more accurate still, our Lord and Savior of athletics who is fufilling the prophecy of creating the Bobcats into a national powerhouse, just so happened to be slapped with a little DUI charge. Whoopsie daisies!

Yes, today Frank Solich, former Nebraska head coach, openly addmitted in court to charges of drunk driving. Something like this is sure to put a man's job in jeopardy seeing as he is a leader in the Athens community as well as a highly respected figure among the administration. Just kidding! He's keeping his job, I mean Frank the Tank got us 4 wins motherfucker! Hell yeah, we might be .500 next year and we aren't going to mess that up because some guy likes to tie one on before going out for a drive. Athens is a beautiful town that comes to life when you're seeing double. And behind a windshield this beauty is like magnified by forty thousand. Or something like that, the locals around there know the correct figure.

Besides if you read the report it's not so bad. Solich was stopped by police while he was slumped over the wheel of his vehicle. Because he was passed out drunk. And the car was in drive. Also it was pointed the wrong way on a one-way street. Whoopsie doodles!

Also I'd like to make a side note here. We have several one-way streets in the quaint and scenic town of Athens. I can recall fond memories as a freshmen being laughed at because I showed my status whenever I looked both ways at one of these streets. Well guess what assholes, just because it's one way doesn't mean cars are somehow physically incappable of driving the wrong way down them. I was taught to look both ways and in a place where the alcohol consumption level is greater then the water useage I think I'll put forth the energy to strain my neck for a passing glance at the other end of the street before I am mowed down by a faculty member simply because I wanted to appear 'in the know'.

Now back to the incomprable football genius and epic motivator Frank. I hope by now you've picked up on all the overblown compliments I've been giving him. I say these things because its all I have heard since we got him. Students can barely name our starting quaterback, and yes if you are wondering I have no idea who he is. We used to have AJ Hawk's brother, which I only knew because it was mentioned during an Ohio State game I had on. He's gone now, since that blood thirsty linebacker got all the talent in the family, and we are left with some schlub. So Frank has posters on the sides of trucks, t-shirts made in his honor and countless flyers, press appearences and write-ups in the newspapers. And yes he is a fine coach, however I didn't base my decision on an academic institution on who was running the football team. It was based off what college would take me. Thank god there was one.

I predict Frank is going to come out of this fine, seeing as he already brought national attention to the program and the incident happened in Ohio University over break, so no one is on the roads anyway. No one important I mean, if he took out a townie that would probably be covered up. He is going to be placed on probation, admit his mistake publicly and teach some alcohol awareness programs. Which means I got to get my drink on! If I get caught for underage consumption I'll find myself in the presence of FOOTBALL GREATNESS THAT MORTAL MINDS CAN BARELY BEGIN TO FATHOM! And I don't want to miss an opportunity like that. Solich will be doing it for the kids. Also for the court order and millions he'd lose if he was fired. Whoopsie lost-opportunities-and-funds-if-you-don't-play-ball-after- completely-embarrassing-an-administration- that-has-fought- for-a-tougher-stance-on- drinking-oodles!

(You can read about this here. Please ignore the fact they spelled our president's name wrong and that Frank was fired from Nebraska after going 9-3 not 7-7. I mean it's ABC, they dont have time for corrections when they put out such fine programming like According to Jim)

Reuben Tells You Why Your Favorite Comedian Sucks, Part 2: Larry The Cable Guy

Seeing as I am the only one who seems to write for this God forsaken comedy blog anymore, I apologize for my tardiness in posting a new entry on the page. I have no letter from the doctor, but I assure you that the 35 pounds of food that I gorged on during the last two days left me completely unable to move (let alone comprehend rational thought) and therefore provide an adequate alibi. Nothing's more American than Thanksgiving, particularly the part where you feel like you've gained so much weight you might not move for the next few weeks, so you might as well watch some football games you care nothing about.

Nothing, that is, except Larry the Cable Guy.

Yes, Larry the Cable Guy. Nothing screams Red, White, and Blue like the Red-neck, White-bread, Blue-collar piss-poor excuse for a stand up set from the round mound of... uh... well, something that rhymes with 'mound' and means 'not funny.' There are many reasons why the great fish-hooked one is not funny. Let me count the ways:

1. Git-R-Done!
Of the things that Larry does that piss me off, shouting Git-R-Done after every goddamned joke is certainly one of them. Though I must admit that the first time I heard it I did laugh a little at its sheer ridiculousness, it is none the less unfunny. For the record, I did not laugh the next 1,349 times I heard him say it. He repeats his creation over and over again as if it were a work of pure comedic genius, not unlike other members of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. He attaches it as an exclamation point to the end of a bit like glitter on a pimple or a birthday hat on the Elephant Man, and as far as I can tell it's to let the audience know that it's time to laugh. Since his bits are so haphazardly constructed and poorly thought out that they aren't funny on their own, his default mechanism after a bit fails is this ridiculous thing. Side note: anyone who uses a catch phrase as if it were an 'Applause' sign clearly does not respect his audience. (Although it points to the average IQ of his target viewer.)

2. Ah cain't undersayund yeh...
Like so many from the Mid-West (which I also live), Larry cannot pronounce some (or more likely most) words properly. My guess is that Larry, while having dental surgery as a young boy, was permanently injured and cannot enunciate properly. I can relate, as a tragic Turkish Bath accident has left my ring and pinky fingers on my right hand paralyzed and I have a Sign Language impediment. Regardless, he probably should have checked out other career opportunities, seeing as he has a speech problem as well as a rare form of Not Funny.

3. Did you ever see 'Deliverance?'
Well, had you seen it you would have laughed. Since you haven't, suffice it to say that those people who are born in Appalachia are likely crazy and should be approached with extreme caution. don't worry about them getting offended; they don't have indoor plumbing, let alone the internet. Plus, they probably don't read blogs.

4. Birds of a Feather...
Perhaps one of the least funny parts about Larry is Jeff Foxworthy. Simply by knowing that man, he is unfuny by association. Though not as rife for comedic commentary for the purposes of this post, he is perhaps the least funny non-racial comedian I have ever witnessed on television. Again, I will remind the readers that every comedian, nay, every person has (what I like to call) their 'moments.' Jeff Foxworthy has made a career out of recreating his moments on stage and on TV for a very long time. Another side note: he has been on television and been making records for over 20 years, so I think it's time to stop pretending that you're from the heartland. You're as country as CMT. Think about that one for a while why don't you.

(For the sakes of this argument, I chose not to target Bill Engvall or Ron White. I find Ron to actually be very funny, and Bill's here's your sign bit, although tiresome, still has it's moments. More than, say, Larry.)

I'm sure there's more I don't like about him, but let's end on this:

5. What is it that you say you do for a living?
He is not, has never been, or most likely will ever be a 'cable guy.' He doesn't even have the uniform. Cable persons are highly trained professionals (I think) and have far different personal hygiene standards than he. Larry the Cable guy is not a cable guy. Therefore, I think his name should be changed. Something like Larry the... uh... well, something that rhymes with 'mound' and means 'not funny.'

An American Tragedy

There are disheartening and unfortunate events that will strike any person's life. Here at Horrible People we poke fun at a lot of different things but once and awhile even we are unable to ignore such sad and tragic occurences. This brave country has endured a lot of strife from 9/11 to the Katrina disaster. These events are impossible to ignore and take years to properly recover from. Today another one of these catastrophes has befallen our great nation. If you have yet to hear of this disaster I leave you now to read on and try your best to make sense of it all.

Stay Strong.

If you have read the above article and have remained composed enough to continue on I consider you a stronger person than myeself. After discovering this I doubled over in grief and nearly collapsed as I felt the will to live sucked from my body.

But I can't wait for the divorce trial to be played on MTV! Finally a reason to watch that new fangled music television channel, since I know music wont be a part of the programming anytime ever again ever. They can call it Newly Divorced or Sorry Nick you signed the pre-nup. I think once the proceedings start and the estate begins to be divided we'll see Jess go from Rainman to Einstein especially when her Dreamhouse is on the line. All I can do is pray that this somehow ends Ashlee Simpsons career. Knowing the way she leeches off her sister she'll prpbably try to get with Nick and make another season of Newlyweds. If not him I think Lance Bass is looking for work.

Winter Fashions: Kabbalah is the new Pink

The holidays are coming up, and you know what that means: Christmas time! Sure I'm Jewish, but c'mon now, Christmas is an American holiday. Sure Jesus died for... some reason (I didn't read that far into the book), but it boils down to this: I don't go down to the local mall to sit on Jesus' lap. We want the fat man. The head honcho. The Don Juan of the winter season. Step aside, Jesus. It's Santa's time now. (‘Godfather’ theme plays in the background, Jesus' cross blows up).

What, too soon?

But on an entirely different topic completely than that, it seems as though a religious group takes over the television right around the middle of the year, goes crazy and makes everyone else feel less superior, and lasts until shopping season starts. Let's look at a few right now.

This year's newest model: Scientology
How can you be wrong when you have the Latin root for 'study of truth' right in your name? Really though, what can I say that hasn't already been said by South Park, Matt Lauer, and every sane person on the planet? Seriously, if you don't yet know the wonders of Scientology, click on this link right here. Yea, you heard me, that one. That is what the really actually believe. Swear to God. Or whatever you swear to when you’re a Scientologist. Basically, a science fiction writer decided he wanted to prove he could invent a religious movement. And indeed he did. America, what a country. (I think he was American...)

Last year's tired old thing: Kabbalah
As a Jew, I was surprised to hear that anyone who wasn't Jewish even heard about Kaballah. Seriously though, this one is pretty much nonsense too. It's a Jewish mysticism. Think Dreidls plus Harry Potter. Yea. Plus there's Madonna, and she used to think she was British. I don't trust those damn Redcoats, let alone turncoats like that hag. I don't trust that at all. Also, just a thought: Madonna is the creepy mom of a kid at your high school that's dressed way too young for her age. Waaaay too young. I smell month old tuna, and I think it's her leotard collection.

The little black dress: Atheism
Oh, do I love the atheists. Here's a typical conversation I have with an Atheist on the topic of religion:
"Not a fan of the organized religion, huh bub?"
"No way, dude. I saw through the bullshit. Big man in the sky invented us all? Please."
"Okay, well what do you believe in?"
"Not your bullshit, man. Not your bullshit."
"That's not what I asked you. You gave me what you didn't believe in. I asked what you do believe in. That's circular logic."
"I don't believe in God, if that is his real name"
(I leave and slash my wrists)
I suppose I would be atheist too if I didn't miss every other day of class for being Jewish. Yea, that's a perk (it's in the bible).

The nudist: Agnosticism
C'mon now, agnosticism? Your religion is to have no religion at all. Your belief system is to not have any true beliefs other than you're miffed by the whole thing. Having your religion be agnostic is like having your mode of transportation is quadriplegic. And nobody likes a quadriplegic.

That's the top of the list. I've made too many Catholic jokes already; Muslims don't really push my buttons. (Get it? 'Cuz they blow shit up with their explosive belts.) I dunno, maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe it’s the 8-ball and shot of whiskey I had before I wrote this post. Maybe it’s ‘cuz Miller hasn’t written a new post in ages (which is also why I stole that 8-ball joke from him). In the end though, we’re all Americans, and that’s all that really matters.

And Canadians. I guess they’re okay, so long as I can keep calling them Hosers.

A Compelation of Relatively Funny One Liners, Bad Jokes, and Awkward Things to Say

Ask anybody who knows me, I am a huge fan of the barely funny joke. Anything with a short chuckle or a groan, that's perfect. That's why they call me Taffy. Just covered in bad jokes. Two of 'em. and I'm delicious. See what I did there? Eh? But back to the point, rattle off a few of these at your next corporate gathering or cousin's Bar Mitzvah and you'll be sure that they'll never invite you back.

Some of these are mine, some are uncredited because I've long since forgotten who first made them up. A good bet is that the ones stolen are originals from Mitch Hedberg, Steven Lynch, Steven Wright, Bob Hope, Jimmy Carr, and a laundry list of many other famous people. That's why they call me Scarface. I just do every line that's put in front of me. Eh?

Ah, nevermind.

Here's some jokes:

If I made orange juice I wouldn’t be so hardcore on people. I would be more polite. For example, I wouldn’t print ‘shake well’ on the carton, because you don’t know how good people can shake. I would write, ‘shake to the best of your ability.’ Then I’d have a diagram that shows the uninitiated how to shake. ‘Okay, put it over here, then put it over here, then put it over here quicker.’

I heard a commercial for a boxing match; it said it was going to be a fight to the finish. That’s a good place to end.

I want to talk for a moment about battered women. Sounds delicious, but that doesn’t make it right.

Jesus was the only 33-year-old unmarried Jew ever whose parents didn’t think he was gay.

I saw a woman uptown last week with a purse that said ‘Guess’ on the side, so I said ‘You’re a man?’ She got mad me.

I saw ‘The Vagina Monologues’ a few weeks ago, have you seen it? I gotta say it was the worst ventriloquism I’ve ever seen. I could see their lips moving the whole time.

Nobody knows what Jesus’ last words really were, but I’m putting my money on ‘Hey, I can see my house from here.’

A while ago my sister and I were riding in my car, and she turned to me, punched me in the arm and said, ‘Padiddle!’ Later on in the day, around 3 in the afternoon, I saw a car with both headlights broken. So I stabbed her.

I have found that it is never funny to pick up a kid and run. Even for like five feet, because they will tackle you.

I think a lot of gay people prefer to stay in the closet because they’re interested in fashion.

I learned something interesting the other day. Professional boxers don’t have sex the night before a fight. Did you know that? It turns out the reason that boxers don’t have sex before a fight isn’t to save energy, but rather it’s because they don’t really like each other.

I feel like, since I’m a diabetic, I could start doing heroin and no one would notice.

Awesome. How's that for good shit, huh? Comedy gold. Good thing I put those out here, they were starting to stink up the back of my fridge. Gross.

I think like 2 of those are really mine. Maybe more, I forget. That's why they call me Alzheimer. Because I... wait... whaaaah?

See what I did there? Eh? Eh? EH?

Nevermind.

An open letter to...Labradoodles, Puggles and other crimes against nature

Hey there little fellas,
I was just writing to remind you that you are little concocted monsters that should not be in existance let alone costing hundreds of dollars to buy. I hate to break the news to you in an open letter on a blog but the truth is you are a fad. It started mainly when some bored and piss poor breeder realized that not only mixing the word 'poodle' made new funny names but by mixing a poodle itself could make new funny dogs. So we were blessed with the Labradoodle. And it didn't take long till there were Cockapoos. Followed by Boxerdoodles, Pugapoos, Shepadoodles, Eskapoos and my personal favorite Doodleman Pinschers. However, I can calssify all of you under one name and that is 'Mutt'. Believe it or not that's what designer dogs are, mixed breeds, since poodles don't care what they're fuckin and sick people out there don't mind watching and then cashing in big by selling the hell spawn. Hell spawn in this instance meaning you.

And you Puggles shouldn't be smiling even if you are the new fun mix that's taking Hollywood by storm. Why even uber-sexy Jake Gyllenhaal got his greasy mits on one of you mongrels. And as you know I am a huge Gyllenholic but this still doesn't make me consider you a creature to be tolerated let alone loved. You see beagles are a fine breed and pugs, well I actually consider pugs to be quite disgusting. It may be their faces which look like chewed leather, or the fact they are prone to respiratory problems resulting in them wheezing like a geriatric struggling on a low oxygen tank. But never in my wildest nightmares did I imagine these animals engaging in the 'durrty' and having you as offspring.

I only request that you show a little humility and stop thinking you are kings of the canine world merely because you seem so different. Remember that differences used to get you in a side show where local yokels could throw pebbles at you for a nickle. They'd have stuck one of you monstrosities right between the bearded lady and lobster boy while a carnival barker announced the terrifying story of how you half bloods came to be. Just hoping to put a little perspective on the situation. And above all this is a plea, for the love of god don't let this spiral downward to a point where we have to utter the word Pooduggle of Puggleoodle. Come to think of it Pooduggle is a pretty funny word. Sorry to end abruptly, just keep in mind what I said. I've got to go scour the pound for some horny mutts. Daddy needs a new pair of shoes!

Get Your Shit Together, Cable News

You'd think that terrorist attacks in Jordan and Israel, riots in France and Afghanistan, insurrection in Iraq, civil war in Sudan, and the saga of Bennifer II would be plenty to make the cable news outlets get a half-chub, but as the hunger of the American people has grown for the McRib, so too has it's insatiable appetite for useless news expanded to Kirstie Alley-like proportions. Which brings me to my point: New baby animals are not news.

Some of you may have a hard time wrapping your head around it, so let me repeat it for you folks that didn't fully grasp it the first time. Take a deep breath and close your eyes and focus on my words.

New baby animals are not news.

Yes, they are interesting, they do get ratings, and they are damn cute, but it is not news. It's the result of two animals following thier natural urges and creating little versions of themselves. Animal reproduction. Gross. Not news.

I typically see 4 or 5 'news' stories every year or so about a hippopotamus here, a couple bald eagles there. Fine, that's acceptable. Human interest. Now go back to how crappy the weather is and how our local sports franchises lose all the time.

So somebody explain to me how I have seen not 1, not 2, but 3 baby animal stories today. THREE. That's unacceptable. I expect more from the networks that brought me Crossfire, The O'Reilly Factor, and The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer (which, turns out, really is just a room with Wolf Blitzer locked in it).

Story one: a baby giant panda named Su Lin had its first public appearance today at the San Diego Zoo. And there was much hooplah. Yay, a baby. Have a cookie.

Story two: An Atlantic bottlenose dolphin named Tapeko gave birth to a healthy 30-35 pound, 3-foot-long female calf at the Brookefield Zoo. No idea where that is. Don't care.

Story 3: A baby babboon rescued from a pet shop in Qatar is 'doing well' in the Doha Zoo in that same country. In a related story, I don't care. It's in Qatar. That's further away than Brookefield. I really don't give two shits about this one. Do you? No, no you don't.

And you shouldn't.

Pandas and dolphins and babboons are all cute, especially baby ones. These stories have the news value of the average People magazine article and the shelf life of a half eaten Taco Bell burrito. I haven't heard news about the most recent suicide bombers in Israel, the peace efforts in Sudan, the most recent Bird Flu cases, or the nuclear proliferation of about a half dozen Eastern Bloc countries. That's important. This crap isn't. Get your shit together, folks. Come on, we need more hardened tough, old fashioned news in our journalism.

Like more coverage of Nick and Jessica. Can't get enough of that.

Steve calls a Wrong Number, Part II

{scene starts}

Phone rings at Tony's house, he picks up the reciever...

"Hello?"
"Hey, this is God. is this Steve?"
"God?"
"Yes, God."
"Uh... no, this is Tony."
"Oh, sorry, wrong number."

Tony, stunned, quickly attempts to dial *69 and his phone implodes.

Later, after returning from his chiropractor's appointment, Steve sees he has a message on his machine...

---BEEP---

"Hey Steve, this is God. I got your message and I thought I'd give you a call you back. I haven't seen you around much since you stopped coming to church when you were 17. If you have anything specific to ask me feel free to give a little prayer or put a little note on the wall of my Facebook page. Thanks for your call, and I'll try to keep in touch. Hope your back feels better. See you later. Actually, I see all at all times, so I guess I'll just say goodbye."

---BEEP---

{scene end}

Halloween Recap

Another successful Halloween. 'Successful' in this sense means a frigid October night, with a smaller yet more intoxicated crowd than last year, resulting in roughly a hundred arrests. There were several cases of underage drinking, robbery, assault and an attempted rape. I guess that's why we are the number 2 party school, I bet Wisconsin doesn't fool around when forcing sex on their underclassmen. But the important thing here is that I had an awesome time.

Some people took our advice and I saw a lot of slutty schoolgirls, slutty cops and sluts. Glad we could be of service there. Also the drinking advice dished out on this site was not only up to par but far exceeded in most cases. You crazy kids, ya hear a good idea and just fucking sprint with the son of a bitch. My favorite public drunk was the Slutty Cat Girl (not recommended by us, but nice touch) that was so far gone she just hugged a brick wall and screamed to the heavens. This chick was obliterated, one side of black whiskers smeared along the face, spit bubbling on the lips, rips and tears appearing all over her tight black spandex suit and about a ten foot radius of onlookers avoiding the situation or just openly mocking her. I'm sure the rest of her sorority, that probably went as Playboy Bunnies and were pissed she tried being an individual, left her for dead after her 7th shot of Captain Morgan's.

Me and my Halloween date were a spot on recreation of Zack Morris and Kelly Kapowski. Don't believe me? Then how about you take a look...

Man alive, which one is the real Mark-Paul Gosselaar and Tiffany Amber Thiesen? If I didn't know any better Id think the image was just doubled.



Well guess what, me and my lovely accomplice Amy are actually on the right. You'll just have to take my word for it.

I rocked the platinum blonde highlights and acid-wash jeans as if I really was about to pull off another perfect scheme under Mr. Belding's nose, furthering my rep at Bay Side. But the best part of the outfit belonged to the Kelly clone...
















Mmm mmm that is some well placed propaganda. We got our photos taken by some impressed streetwalkers and had several shout outs of our personas. And even several more shout outs of frat boys screaming for a bang by Kelly Kapowski.

We met up with the other two members of this site. One being the always absent Nick A.K.A. Miller Time. He may never post on this website but he sure knows how to rock a top hat and look like he'll enjoy a fine cup of tea after murdering a cabin full of promiscuous teens.














Jesus H. Christ this is one bad ass mother. Would someone please get this grown 'Children of the Corn' cast member an axe. He mentioned how he'd be sure to write a "Worst of Halloween" post detailing the most pathetic costumes and poorest behavior. I assume we can expect that completed by next Halloween.

Reuben 'the Hurricane' Bresler also decided to join the fun as obscure villian Luther, from 1979's gang war classic "the Warriors". I never heard of this movie either, but thanks to Rockstar and their new videogame based off this film we got to hear plenty of "wariors come out to play-ee-yaaa" all night long. The scene with that famous line is shown below...














Once again I am at a loss as to which is the real screen shot and which was taken at the desk of my school issued dormroom computer. Maybe the necklaces can be the deciding factory. As opposed to chains, I have heard rumors that 'The Hurricane' went all Martha Stewart and designed his very own metal chains out of duct tape.

Further down Court Street we ran into a little childhood nostalgia when contestants from 'Legends of the Hidden Temple' came running by.























And in the midsts of running they were nice enough to gather and let us take a snap shot. Purple Parrots, Geen Monkeys and even a Silver Snake made it in. I think for next years Halloween I am going to go as Olmec and ask ridiculous questions about ancient cities. Or better yet I will just go as a Temple Guard, and knowing full well that no person in Athens will have a Pendant of Life I can proceed groping them as they have failed in retrieveing the artifact from Olmec's Temple.

We pressed on and little further down was yet another one of my favortie childhood games to watch, a cockfight! Oh the memories.












Except this time I didn't previously poison the chicken feed of one of the competitors and bet the underdog. I mean if rigging a cockfight is wrong then I dont want to be right. Here we see the white cock landing a blow, but soon after the yellow cock sporting the Ted Ginn Jr. jersey got into rhythm and took this round.

Sure was some imagination in the works for this years costumes, I wonder if anymore will be interesting and OH MY GOD IT'S HANK!













Come on you know Hank. From the Starbucks Doubleshot commercial where Hank is starting his day right with a crowd of supporters chanting his name before he gives a presentation to middle management. This wasn't the best photo but these kids did an awesome job, especially on the mascot's paper mache head. Also I'd like to point out a disturbing trend in our generation, easily identifying with advertising and having it as a shared cultural background. But what the fuck, this group's costume kicked ass.

Well a lot of people sure came out to show off their outfits. I was beginning to wonder if anyone famous was going to stop by. Holy shit is that Doug Cloud?






















Of course it is. Come on you know Doug Cloud. Co-host of Fridays Live, Ohio Universities very own late night variety show on public access. It usually runs the gamet from hilarious to god awful in one episode but Doug's costume was only hilarious. Yes, he went as his facebook page, which may seem a little self centered but who the hell else's page was he going to be? I couldn't get a great shot cause I was keeping Doug from the rest of his group while I quickly put him in frame. Also I think he was wigging out on acid cause he couldn't keep still. Or maybe it was just Halloween spirit. I mean look at that smile, only Halloween or hard drugs could produce that.

All in all a pretty awesome night. Those were some of the highlights, other great costumes were the Ipod People, Team America and the Heismen Trophy. Also there was no shortage of crazies roaming and cool times with friends to make the night memorable. Basically you should feel really awful about yourself if you missed it. Or if you were attacked or nearly raped. Just hope for another great and maybe safer Athens Halloween next year. Also look forward to increased global warming and a late October night to probably be in the mid 80s. Happy Halloween kids.

10 Reasons Gay Marriage is Wrong

1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like polyester, artificial flavors, and air conditioning.

2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed. The sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour Las Vegas marriage would be destroyed.

6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages and foster homes aren't full yet, and the world needs more children with relatively fewer adults to feed them, especially in an inflating global marketplace.

7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.


Mmmm... That's good sarcasm.

Go Forth and Be Funny, part II: Psalm 23

The Dubya is my shepherd; I do not want.

He makes me invade the green pastures; He doesn't send FEMA into the still waters.

He restores my fears; He leads me in the wrong paths of international disgrace for his ego's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of pollution and war, I will fear no lesser evil, for thou art in office. Thy tax cuts for the rich and thy media control, they discomfort me.

You prepare an agenda of deception before me in the presence of thy religion; Thou anointest Halliburton's head with foreign oil; My cup of health insurance runneth out.

Surely megalomania and false patriotism shall follow me all the days of thy term; And I shall dwell the basement of my parents waiting for a better job market forever.

Steve calls a Wrong Number, Part I; a short play by a horrible person

{Scene start}

As we see Steve, he is in the middle of dialing his chiropractor's number when his cat jumps on the table and pushes several buttons. The line connects...

"Hello. You've reached God. I cannot come to the phone right now, so please call me on my cell at GOD-CELLPHONE or at work at GOD-WORKING. You need to dial all of the numbers. That’s how they get ya."

Steve dials the number...

"You've reached the Sprint voice mailbox of:"
"God."
"To leave a message, press '1' now, or wait for more options."

Steve hangs up and dials the other number...

"Hello, you've reached the epicenter of the Universe. God cannot come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, number, and a brief description of the miracle you would like performed you will be bathed in his presence just as soon as he can. Thanks for your call."
"Hey God. It's Steve. I accidentally dialed your home number and I thought I'd try to get in touch with you. If you could gimme a call back sometime that'd be great. Thanks."

Steve hangs up, pauses, and dials his chiropractor.

{Scene end}

To be continued...