The Future ISNOWHERE

The title of this post is a part of a psychological test I took in high school. The readings were supposed to go like this:

If you first saw 'Is Now Here' then you are an optimist.
If you first saw 'Is No Where' then you are a pessimist.

That was supposed to be it for the study. But I saw a few more options...

If you first saw 'Isnow Here' then you are in Isnow, Romania.
If you saw 'Isn Owh Ere' then you are an Islamic Extremist.
If you first saw 'I Snow Here' then you are a snowboarder. Or a penguin.

Just thought you'd like to know.

Wasn't I Watching SportsCenter?

I could've sworn I was watching SportsCenter a second ago. I don't think I sat on the remote. Was there a glitch in the electrical system?

No, this is still SportsCenter by name, but they're covering things not normally called 'sports' by, let's say, anybody at all. Let's go down the list.

First thing's first, golf has its own channel. It's called 'The Golf Channel.' Get off my TV.

Next, I understand that on ESPN you should cover the Olympics. Even the winter ones. But what is this half assed coverage? I don't know if you've been watching this ridiculous short bus coverage ESPN is passing off as sports journalism, but basically the anchor talks about whatever event is on the prompter and a still photograph of the event pops on the screen. C'mon now, this isn't OJ's closed court room here, this is the fucking Olympic games. We couldn't pack a video camera in the bags, there was only enough room for a disposable? Awful.

Next, since when is Nascar a sport? I know it's extremely popular, I know it's definetly a growing industry, but a sport? Bah! Bah, I say! Sure it's an event, but a sport it is not. Something doesn't qualify as a sport just because it takes five hours to complete and you can gamble on it. If that were the case I would imagine that C-SPAN coverage would be popular (I'm doubling down on H.R. 1445, daddy needs a new suit). Poker is not a sport and is on ESPN, Bass fishing is not a sport and is on ESPN, I rest my case.


The other thing that pisses me off about the whole Nascar thing is the culture that comes along with it. I could make a lot of jokes, but... okay I will. The I.Q. of the average Nascar fan is lower than that of an average avocado. The average Nascar fan can't spell 'avocado.' All they do is turn left. Nascar is the Nemo the clownfish of sporting events (what with the deformed fin and all). If you combined all of the high school GPAs of all the people in the stands of the Coca-Cola 600 it would be lower than their combined BACs. Any sport that has cars moving at extremely high speeds with Budweiser and Crown Royal advertisements on thier sides is hilarious to me. "Hey, there's a Bud ad on that car driving 200 mph. That gives me an idea..."

But let's go back to the bass fishing. The Bassmaster Classic was this week. Yea, I don't care either. Know who won? Yea, I don't care either. Know where it was? Know what the winning total weight was? You get the idea.

This fascination with bass fishing is absurd to me. The fanfare when they do the weigh-ins at the end of the day are really funny too. They tow the fishermen in on thier boats into the amphitheatre they hold this collection of bass fans in and they weigh the fish in and everyone goes nuts. Then they take a bag out of thier boat, and more often than not they pull a fish out of a second container that is far to massive to be contained by a black mesh bag. They then take that fish and grab its lower jaw and hoist it above thier head! "Bow before me, for I am all that is man! I lift this fish in recognition of my masculinity!" Amazingly unbelievable to me, but entertaining nonetheless.

Think you're a big man, huh homes? Okay, let's see how well you do when you and the fish are underwater. Yea, that's right. It's not a home game anymore. An amphitheatre of thousands of bass watching you get hoisted above the head of some fish wearing rubber boots and jeans shorts. That's right, bass jorts! How ya like me now?

One last thing befuddles me about this: How do you be a bass fishing fan? How is it physically possible? There aren't stands, they go out on a lake or something like 50 miles away from the starting off point. There's no group of shirtless frat guys with thier favorite fisherman's nickname spelled across thier chests. Some guy perched in the reeds holding a sign that says, "Everyone knowS that Pete's a bass maN," with the ESPN in acrostic fashion. Doesn't happen.

SportsCenter, I say this to you: you insist on showing the highlights of 'games' and 'events' that do not qualify as sports. You don't show highlights of real sports like soccer, lacrosse, volleyball, or beer pong. Nascar and fishing both lack the most important thing you need to have in order to be a sport: real atheletes. Let's get our definition of what a sport is in order before we start putting clips of professional ballroom dancing and equestrian on ESPN. It's getting out of hand.

Okay, maybe not beer pong. But you have to admit, that would be good TV.

Horrible Hint #1

Here’s a quick hint for you folks: don’t drink Jager bombs at clubs with a high gay population because you don’t want to have lowered inhibitions with the energy to try something new.

The Greatest Dog Ever

Miller was going to write a post on Rufus the dog, but then again, he was going to write a post on how we got kicked off the radio, and a post about an underwear party we went to, and another one about his hatred for organized religion, and another one about...

Where was I?

Oh, right.

Rufus, a Bull Terrier, recently won best in show at the Westminister Dog Show. But a dog wins every year, right? What makes this Rufus character so special? It's easy to see. Just look at this freaking dog:



Try looking at that dog and not laugh. You can't! I mean, all of the dogs in the dog shows look funny. He looks absolutely ridiculous. His head looks like a football. He looks like he got beaten with an ugly stick. He looks like someone stuck a bicycle pump in the chest of a Jack Russell and pumped him up like a pair of sneakers. He's a cinder block with legs. He looks like he could beat you up with those biceps. Dogs don't even have biceps. They don't have shoulders. What an absurd animal. Yet he's best in show.

Congrats Rufus. You fugly summamabitch.

How to Fire a Gun at a Man's Head and Not Get Arrested

It's all fun and games until someone gets hit with fifty pellets of quailshot.

As I'm sure you've already heard, the Vice President of our great nation, Dick Cheaney, went hunting last weekend. 'Farm raised quail' hunting. By farm raised quail hunting I really mean he drove to this farm where they keep quail in what I'm sure ia no more that a 5x5 cage and you shoot at them with birdshot, which is basically like grapeshot for old school middle age catapults (thank you for improving my vocabulary, Magic the Gathering).

But something went right. Terribly right. The VP broke a gun law, added a supporting argument to the position of gun control lobbies, and almost killed a lawyer. That is awesome. What a debacle.

Mr. Cheaney shot a 78 year old lawyer in the face. 'By accident.' But as we all know, the White House hates lawyers that aren't defending them. Or the gun lobby. Or the oil lobby. Or the... you get the idea.

Seriously though, he shot a man. In the face. Is he not even going to get arrested? I mean, he hides from the world for extended periods of time, he could just disappear one day and never return. And he attacked this man with birdshot! As local Athens comedian Eightball pointed out, "He shot him above the waist, and as a black man I know... that's attempted murder." True that, my brother. True that.

He did not have a valid Texas hunting license, so he'll have to pay the 50 dollar fine. I don't know how he's going to get that kind of money together. The 78 year old man had a heart attack in the hospital after Cheaney quote "peppered him good." Yea he peppered you. With live ammunition. Come on now.

I don't know the logistics of what the man looked like, but I'm guessing that the before and after photo looked something like this:



Hey, people make mistakes. I know I did when I was throwing darts and hit one of the members of the chess team in the temple. I was my class vice president though so they didn't give me any detention.

Also, my president that year was a douche bag.

The Winter Olympics Sure Are Horrible

Much like La Nina and the midterm elections, the Winter Olympics are back, albeit with much less fanfare than their more famous counterparts. (boy I love that El Nino) I don't usually watch, but they're here so why the fuck not make fun of 'em.

Much like ice dancing, I will grade each sport on a scale up to 6. Since it seems the judges never go below 5 so as not to hurt the feelings of the skaters, neither will I. Unless they really suck.



1. Figure Skating
The outfits! The dancing! The bribery of the judges! The drama of watching them leap and not know whether they're going to land the triple lutz safely or crack a vertibrae! Of course, this is the most popular of the Winter Olympic sports. When you have all of the women as well as all of the gay men watching, it's no wonder. The big news at this Olympics is that Michelle Kwan has dropped out because of a groin injury. (insert flexible athelete/sexually inappropriate groin injury joke here) Many in the ice skating community thought she shouldn't have been on the team in the first place becasue she was too old. At this time I submit my opinion that any sport that you are too old for at 25 is also bull shit. Another big news item is the discussion among the Olympic community that judging in the games may still be skewed, as it was in the last Olympics when someone paid a French judge to alter the scores. I still think it was the Germans. Can never trust those Germans. At this time I submit my opinion that any sport that is scored by judges is bullshit. Just putting that out there.

The Horrible Judge gives it a 5.47 (out of 6)

2. Hockey
Do you believe in miracles? Not since the NHL went on lockout for a year or so. Everybody lost interest. And with this gambling debacle hanging over the defending champion Canadian team's general manager Mr. Gretzky (even though he seemingly did nothing wrong) NBC is going to lord that over our heads for the next 2 weeks. I like hockey. It's fun to watch. Plus there's nothing like a Dutchman beating the crap out of an Italian for no reason other than a little hip check. (I say the Germans put him up to it)

The Horrible Judge gives it a 5.84

3. Women's Hockey
Less people care about women's hockey than women's basketball. Enough said.

The Horrible Judge gives it a 5.21

4. Curling
I don't know why I love the curling. It has everything I hate about the Winter Olympics. Slow paced action. Arcane rules and completely nonsensical scoring system. Canadian color commentators. Plus it's shuffleboard on ice. Come on. I should hate this. But...

The Horrible Judge gives it a 5.58



5. Downhill Skiing
What say you and I get off the ice for a little while? Downhill skiing is a good one. Very exciting. Any sport in which a guy can accidentally lose control and fly 50 feet directly sideways is a favorite of mine. One of the big stories of the Olympics is the comments of American Skier Bode Miller about the performance enhancing drugs of people like Lance Armstrong and Barry Bonds, as well as his comments regarding skiing downhill drunk. Anything that will add to the bodycount I'm all for. (well, I guess we've found that I'm a sadistic bastard, but there's just nothing like a head wound on my TV)

The Horrible Judge gives it a 5.69

6. Skull/Luge
Let's combine these because they're the same damn thing. Luge is basically putting a skate in your ass and sliding down a bobsled chute at 80 mph. And for those who don't think luge is intense enough, some guy thought to himself, 'what if i luge face forward?' I can't go down the waterslides at Wyandot Lake face forward, but these guys can go the speed of a fast moving car down an rock hard ice slide wearing nothing but a full body scuba outfit? That's bullshit. But any sport where serious blade-to-face harm is likely is good. (again, sadism) These ones are less exciting though because of the inherent homosexuality of the two-man versions of both games. Plus the Germans usually do well in these events.

The Horrible Judge gives it a 5.45

7. Cross Country Skiing/Biathlon
Cross country skiing sucks. It's like watching power walking on two-by-fours. Biathlon is just Scandinavian drive-by. This one sucks too.

The Horrible Judge gives it a 5.33

I guess that's about it. I'm not watching any of these anyway. I have more important things to attend to, like playing Shaq-Fu on my SNES.


Damn Germans.

Why Your Stories Suck: Beer, Sleep, and Basic Cable

I feel like I shouldn't have to explain this to people, but apparently you're all retarded so here's a refresher course on acceptable behavior.

There are three ways you should never start a story. The first is, 'so I was drinking the other night...' because every one thinks that they have good drunk stories. Not just good drunk stories but the drunk stories to end all drunk stories. This is incorrect. We all have the same drunk stories. Funny shit happens when you inbibe alcohol (or when people drink alcohol and you cross paths), but I don't regale you with stories about it. That's stupid. Unless you personally woke up handcuffed to a goat and a bike rack wearing a birthday hat and missing a sock (but not a shoe) then I don't want to hear about it.

The second is, 'listen to this dream I had...' because the correct translation of that sentence is, 'this didn't happen, now listen to me talk about it as if it did for the next fifteen minutes.' No, really, the snake almost got me, but luckily the pirate ship was right there so I got back to the candy canes. Fantastic, I'm gonna stab myself in the temple now.

Third, and most important, is the ever popular, 'I saw this scene from this TV show...' Stop. Just stop. I even try to do this one occasionally but it never works. Ever. This one always ends with the story teller realizing that the audience doesn't think it's funny and then saying, 'I guess you had to be there.' No shit, that's why it's in television format and not chain letter. I don't think the original authors of the script were putting any thought into what the story would sound like as told by you and if they did they would have destroyed every existing copy.

We clear? Good. Now go about your business.

Also, the three of us are doing stand up comedy on Friday around midnight. Talk to us for more info.

Kick'em While They're Down: Freaks of Nature

As Hurricane discussed this has been a rough couple weeks for your Horrible People. With a cancelled radio show, postponed stand up and mid terms we've not been giving the correct amount of hilarity our audience craves nor the amount we enjoy providing. I think this is probably my first post in a couple weeks so I am trying to ease back into things. I could insult the establishment or take down the hipocrisy found in society, but that's kinda hard. Instead I'm going to kick'em while they're down this week and insult some freaks of nature.

By no fault of their own these monstrosities came into the world, and now it's time I put them in their place. They can't get away with feeling unique, when really they're just oddities fit for a sideshow.

Double Mouthed Fish!













This rainbow trout was caught in Lincoln, Nebraska, officially making this the most exciting thing to ever happen in the state's history. He was weighed in at about a pound. Pretty pathetic considering hes got twice the opportunity to stuff his fat fish face. Hey dummy, guess you also had twice the opportunity of getting hooked and eaten. Don't give me that surprised, gaping mouths look. Be polite and close both those, you scaley abomination. Actually the fisherman who caught you, Clarence Olberding, says the bottom mouth didn't appear to be functional. Way to go dumbass stink trout, guess your second set of hanging lips was just a hip decoration, which is about as cool as a spoiler on a Honda. Meaning not cool at all, ugly. And now Olberding plans on having you smoked and eaten. Hope Clarence enjoys the pesticides and mercury that was coursing through your veins that obviously created your malformed body. Oh and by the way, fuck you.


Double Snake!













I guess horrible anomalies come in twos. This double-headed albino rat snake has got grotesque written all over it. And listen up snakey, I don't want you getting a big heads just because an aquarium purchased you for 15,000 and is placing you on eBay at a starting bid of 150 thousand. It's a sick world and there are just freaky people out there who want you writhing in a glass tank for shits and giggles. You're nothing more than a lava lamp, something to add pizazz to a refurnished basement. You remind me of a push-me-pull-you except a lot less furry and cute and a lot more horrifying. I hope you two are someday able to be seperated. Forcibly by a taffy puller.

5 Legged Calf!













Ew. That best sums up this little monstrosity. This 5-legged, 6-hooved calf was born on a ranch in New Mexico. If the 5th leg wasn't bad enough you had to throw on an extra hoof, didn't you? What, didn't have enough room for a third eyeball you stupid, multi-limbed heifer? I've never seen a calf with a built in kick stand before. That's really going to deter the cow tipping when you grow up, unless of course they push from the right. I'm only kidding with you, give me five. Or is it five and a half? Or better yet go fuck yourself and your need for polylimbed existence. And yes, I needed to invent the word polylimbed since there is no name for whatever fucking disorder you so ardently wish to live with.

Cycloptic Kitten!













I prayed that this was photoshopped somehow, however it's all to real. Here we have a photo of Cy, a kitten born with one eye. His name, short for cyclopes (apparently his owners were about as creative as he is normal), was given at birth. Unfortunately for you Cy you didn't live much after that since you also didn't have a nose. Way to go genius, guess your plan for being an attention grabbing mutant didn't include having a clear pathway for air. Kittens really are adorable aren't they? I look forward to seeing you in the next Wes Craven film playing the part of living nightmare. You've guaranteed me several nights of restless sleep and for that I condemn you.

Well that is all I've got to say to you repulsive wastes of life. But don't let this get to you to much. Just to show you I am not all bad here is an inspirational poster that applies to you all, and hopefully gives you a positive and accurate outlook.

The Letter I Wish I Could Send To A Certain Member Of A Radio Station

Dear Member of a Radio Station (who shall remain nameless),

I'm constantly amazed that the world is filled with assholes like you.

Who misconstrue the tiny slice of power they have as absolute.

Who feel the supreme need to protect the public at large from nudity and sexual innuendo.

Who, even as adults, don't understand that humor is subjective.

Who believe that the fabric of society is being torn apart not by people that cheat on their wives and beat their kids but instead by those who push the boundaries of free speech to get a laugh or two.

Who think they're morally superior because they laugh at Marmaduke and Jeff Foxworthy instead of something with a little edge.

Who claim to be for the 'rebel cause' and free speech but flinch at the sight of possible retaliation from those in power.

Who act passive-aggressively instead of logically.

Who are not interested in hearing both sides of a story but rather in only their views and beliefs of a given situation through their fish-eyed lens view of the world.

Who can only see the worst that could happen and not the best.

Who create fables and conspiracy theories to justify positions rather than use fact.

Who find every reason to say 'no' when there are just as many reasons to say 'yes.'

Your hypocrisy is pervasive and your lack of common sense is astounding. It is amazing to me how far people such as yourself can get with such a pessimistic and paranoid outlook on life. The foolhardy notion that you are somehow a cog in the machine by censoring even the most obviously sarcastic and basically harmless forms of media is preposterous.

I'm constantly amazed that the world is filled with assholes like you. Yet somehow I get through the day. Do you know why?

Because I know that I'm never going to be as ignorant you.

Dur Burger!

We’ve been having a particularly unfunny week here at the Horrible offices. Our radio show was cancelled five hours before it was to premier because of the flier we made; we missed the deadline to enter a film festival we were looking forward to; the voices that used to talk to me don’t talk to me quite as much as they used to. But we have found hilarity and we suggest you take full advantage.

Dur Burger!

That’s it. Those two words as spoken by Steve Martin in the trailer for the upcoming box office flop ‘The Pink Panther’ have given me and the other two guys’ hours of entertainment.

Just say it a few times to yourself in that ridiculous accent. Funny, right?

It’s unfortunate that it won’t be a good movie. Steve Martin is awesome and used to be really funny, both Kevin Kline and Jean Reno are fine actors, and Beyonce is also a fine actor (see what I did there). Alas, much like our ill-fated radio show, it has too much working against it. If I have learned two things in my movie watching experience they are as follows: one, remakes of movies or TV shows from the fifties are terrible most of the time and are always, always worse that the originals (see House of Wax), and two, movies starring SNL alums usually suck, and the suck ratio goes up as the aging comedian’s career wanes (see Chevy Chase). Those two factors, plus the fact that films featuring Beyonce suck, put this film on a collision course with failure. I will most likely not go to see it (I’ll wait for it to be on the movie channel; if it has Beyonce’s ass I’ll watch it).

With that said, I would like to thank the makers of the trailer for ‘The Pink Panther’ for putting in the preview what I’m sure is the only really funny part of the movie.

You Find Censorship In The Strangest Places

So I pulled an all-nighter last night. It’s something I do on occasion. The combination ADD-Insomnia-Caffeine helps, but also I really wasn’t that tired. Maybe that’s the heroin talking. Anyway, not a big deal, but it led me to be bored out of my skull at about 3:30 in the morning. It’s the perfect time of night for there to be absolutely nothing on television. They’re replaying the first quarter of some NBA game I don’t care about on ESPN instead of SportsCenter (a show which I could watch the same episode of until I have it memorized, and often times I do); there are Bowflex and Girls Gone Wild knockoff infomercials on every other channel, some crappy half-star movie is on Sci-Fi (on this occasion it happened to be TMNT3); the normal nighttime stuff.

But then I happened upon something worth watching. On Bravo they were playing a special on censorship and The Smothers Brother Show, a show which I am a huge fan of. For those who aren’t familiar with the Smothers Brothers go do some quick research.

I’ll wait.

You back? Okay, good.

I adore the Smothers Brothers not only because they are hilarious but also because they broke down so many barriers for TV shows today. There is no true equivalent to what Lenny Bruce did for stand up comedy but what the Smothers Brothers did for TV is as close as you can get. To make a long story short, the brothers were not popular with CBS once they started getting political (in spite of their public popularity) and were essentially kicked off the air. Previous to their being run out of town, however, they had some very strange moments in censorship history. On singer Joan Baez’s first television appearance (which was on the show) she was giving a little talk about how her husband is going to jail because he avoided the draft, so here’s a little ditty about that. But what the TV audience heard was basically something like;

‘Here’s a song for my husband, who’s going to jail soon… (weird looking cut because the camera was on her the whole time) so here’s a song about that.’

Very strange, right?

Another one of my favorite arbitrary uses of censorship was in Patrice O’Neal’s Comedy Central special. It was a few months after the D.C. sniper had been caught so it was still a hot button issue. His bit went something like this:

‘For a month everyone was saying that this sniper was a genius and that he employed incredibly intelligent tactics in his attacks; but then they found out he was black and now he’s just a nigga in a Buick.’

Really funny bit, but I didn’t think so at the time because they bleeped the word Buick. Not nigga, no that’s okay to say on TV (it’s only cable), but Buick? Can’t say that. The bit doesn’t have teeth anymore, just as the Smothers Brothers struggled to have impact in the face of completely unchecked censorship.

Which brings me to my personal problem here; as I said before, I’m up all night (any Lionel Richie, ladies?). So I’m going out to breakfast and check my mail around 9 this morning and I’m taking the fliers for the radio show with me to put up. I’ve got about 33 of the ‘Cook Sock’ ones and about 17 or 18 of the completely non-offensive ‘Got Any Jokes’ ones. I’m sticking them around the dining hall and on the flier boards and such, until I’m completely out of the 50 sheets of paper I left with. I go back to my room.

Shit, I forgot my keys in my mailbox again (I do this about twice a quarter, probably the ADD).

So now I walk back into the dining hall area and I see that... Hey, where are my fucking fliers (I say to myself)? The one I posted over there is gone, the one on that wall is gone too. The one on that post is gone and that was the one that only had words on it! What the fuck, man? So I’m about to go to the grounds keeping office, because surely it’s the cleaning crew thinking this is just old announcements, when I see a man with a mustache in a tie and button shirt (who looks like he’s in charge of some part of the building) walking with about 10 pieces of paper in his hand. They’re the ads! My fucking ads! Shit. So I follow him and he walks to the head office of the complex, stops in for about twenty seconds, and walks back out. So now I’m a little worried, until I realize a few things:

Number one, there’s no real good way to track back to us (and no way to track back to me specifically) unless he goes to the blog address and finds us (and no one reads this blog anyway) or contacts ACRN.com about it, which may happen. But that’s a lot of work for a couple of fliers.

Number two, what’s offensive about this flier? A partially naked woman is somewhat offensive I guess, but not really. It’s nothing a woman hasn’t seen before, and it’s not like her jumblies are showing. So there’s a little bit o’ nip peeking out there. Barely noticeable unless you really look. A little areola never hurt anybody anyway; am I right or am I right? Does a body good to see some woman’s nipple every now and then. Also, there are no dirty words in the ad. None. Read it twice. Read it again. None. Just the illusion of one, like Muck Fiami, and that doesn’t count. What you see isn’t my fault. If you see ‘Suck Cock’ that’s all on you. It’s your mind playing tricks on you and taking it in a sexual connotation based on visual stimuli. You sick bastards.

Number three, let’s assume that it is deeply and emotionally offensive to someone or a group of someones (to which a little ditty about sticks and stones comes to mind) and that they trace it to me (seeing as I’m admitting it on this post that doesn’t seem that farfetched). Cry about it. What are you going to do about it? Arrest me? Suspend me? Take me to court for posting a few dozen fliers? Please, that’s crap. What right do you have to take them down anyway? I believe by friend Bill (of Rights) will back me up on this one. That’s illegal. That’s treading on Nazism. That, my friends, is misapplied use of authority and extreme censorship.

And who exactly am I offending so deeply on this liberal arts hippie campus (not hippocampus, that’s something else)? What is the flier that is so harmful? I seem to remember a truck with a picture of an aborted fetus on the side of it driving around uptown. I seem to recall protesters playing dead and posting pictures of decaying soldier’s corpses on foam core boards in plain sight of the common populous. And that was in town, not in the dorm areas that I was posting the fliers in (I was going to go post the fliers uptown later). How is what I’m doing so much different?

Jesus, it’s a joke. It’s designed to grab the reader’s attention (which it obviously did, at least one) and get you to listen to our radio show (7-8 pm Fridays on ACRN.com). It’s not promoting violence or bigotry or sexism. It has no possible political spin whatsoever. It’s a tongue-in-cheek turn of phrase with a funny photo to match.

Have a sense of humor for God sakes.

I guess we can blur the areola; that might be a little too much.

Cook that Sock

Here's a little flier we made to promote the new show. It's effective because it attracts perverts and dyslexics. I'm pretty sure a majority may be torn down but as long as some people get the message and tune in we'll be happy.























Also make sure to check out the show 7-8 on ACRN.com this Friday. Should be an awesome time and you can start drinking during it to kick off the weekend.