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Horrible Radio

Ohio University's premier comedy radio show on Friday,

February 3rd 7-8 p.m.

on ACRN.com with Special Guest Bruce Dalzell. Also, sorry for the lack of posts on the blog recently. We've been busy trying to get Horrible Radio on the air, and also we had a stand up show this past weekend and we had to write other comedy for that. Plus we've had classes and bullshit. We'll post things later (and by we, I mean Jay and I, because Miller never fucking writes for this thing), but in the mean time the radio should be pretty freakin' sweet.

So listen in.

The Gift Of Beard

I am very stressed by many recent trends in popular culture but one supersedes the rest. It has seeped into all classes and creeds of our great nation and may soon infect the whole planet. The problem most worrisome to me is not the India/Pakistan conflict or the Alito hearings or even the over/under on the Seahawks-Panthers game (but baby does need a new pair of shoes). No, the issue of the highest importance to me is this: beardlessness.

As you know, facial hair February is coming up in the very near future, a fact that has not been recognized by the government no matter how many times I call them (and who have been suspiciously unmustachioed and beardless since the 1950s). The NFL has started the hairy face festivities early with quarterbacks Jake Plummer and Ben Roethlisberger having both gone mountain man style with their scraggly ass chinstraps (which is another reason why I care less about the NFC game and more about the AFC; c'mon, pappa wants a new car). As a proud beard wearer (I’m half Greek half Jewish, I stood no chance; I even shaved this morning and it refuses to leave) I would like to take this opportunity to convince you of the need for facial follicles in our country today.

1. Manliness Incarnate
It’s the step to manhood. It’s the milestone. Well, growing your pubes is too, but more importantly is your first shave. Of course the first person you think of when I say the words ‘manliness’ and ‘beard’ is Chuck Norris. Would you disagree? No, because if you did you’d take a swift roundhouse to the head. In fact he’s the only one I’m going to put in this subset. Chuck Norris = manliness = beard.

2. Leadership In A Can
True leaders have facial hair; it’s a fact of life. Once again, I point to Chuck Norris, but in addition to the great Walker other leaders who have sported the whiskers of champions include God, Jesus, Moses, all of the generals and sergeants in the Civil and Revolutionary Wars, Teddy Roosevelt, Benjamin Harrison, Abraham Lincoln, three fourths of the Beatles (at any given time), Stalin, and Dumbledore. Reagan has nothing on Dumbledore. Know why? Not because he traded guns for hostages in an Alzheimer’s prescription induced haze, but because he had no hair on his chin. His memory would’ve returned forthwith had he just grown a few hairs under his jowls.

3. Skill with a Blade
Once again, Chuck Norris, but two other names spring to mind here as well: Master Splinter and Mr. Miyagi. Both sported the wispy whisker look to perfection. The ninja turtles would have sucked without Splinter just as the karate kid (and the next one) would have sucked too. The highlander had nothing on those guys (that clean shaven prick, Miyagi would have kicked his ass; wax on, brother, wax on). Other great swordsmen with the fuzzy faces include Blackbeard, Jack Sparrow, pretty much everybody from Lord of the Rings, and Raz Al Gul from the latest Batman (which rocked my face off). Of course, skill with an axe is associated closely with the facial locks too, as seen most clearly with Gimli (from Lord of the Rings) and ZZ Top.

4. Hair Brains
How could you argue with Socrates, the three wise men (they’ve got wise right in the name!), Gandalf, Peter Jackson, Steven Spielberg, and The Dude from ‘Big Lebowski?’ What’s the best you got? Steven Hawking? Please, that douche on wheels couldn’t hold a candle to The Dude (mostly because he can’t hold a candle at all, freaking cripple; why can’t you stop trying to explain the universe and try to invent a way to move your pinky?). Case in point: Howard Lederer made the final table in the main event at the WSOP the first year he entered. He had a beard that year. He no longer has one. He hasn’t made the final table since.

5. The Comedy ‘Stache
Everybody knows that the one way to guarantee laughs is the comedy ‘stache. The casts of Anchorman, Wedding Crashers, Dodgeball, Starsky and Hutch, and many more films use them, plus characters of comedic genius like Silent Bob, Peter Griffin (for that one episode where he had the nest of birds in it), Yosemite Sam, and Shaggy from Scooby Doo. Great comedians like George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Steven Wright, Mitch Hedberg, Billy Connolly, Eddie Izzard, Rip Taylor, and almost every ventriloquist ever utilize a beard or mustache of some kind. Coincidence? I think not.

6. Free Mustache Rides
Perhaps the most notable use of facial hair in history is to that of the porn industry. The porn ‘stache is an entity all its own, autonomous from every other kind of follicle fad. It has never been duplicated in its mastery of representing an era (but the disco handlebar came close). The mustache represents sexual prowess. Once again, see Chuck Norris.

Get ready for facial hair February. And mutton chops March.

Wax on.

You Only Live Twice

I’m having one of those days. I lost 200 bucks playing poker tonight. I just found out I missed a quiz in History 132 this week that will account for about 10 percent of my total grade. My B button is sticky all of the sudden. Just one of those days.

But nothing like what Raju Raghuvanshi must be feeling like right now. The full story is in this link, but the long and the short of it is that he was in prison for a year where he contracted a stomach virus. He recovered, but someone heard that he was dead and told the folks in his home town of Mandla in India that he passed away. But he came back. Good news, right? Well, not so much. His brothers, who shaved their heads in mourning, fled at the sight of him. Children screamed "Ghost! Ghost!" and ran. Villagers locked their doors. In other words, pretty much what happens whenever Miller Time walks in the room.



Here's a picture of myself (right) and... Oh my god! The ghost of Miller!




But that’s the end of it, right? Again, not so much. Raghuvanshi filed a complaint about the treatment he was receiving, to which the city council told Raju he must prove he isn’t a ghost. I’ll let you read that again. The city council told Raju he must prove he isn’t a ghost! Jesus Christ, these people have nuclear capability! You know what that means? It means they might use ‘The Bomb’ against Santa Claus is he crosses into the no-fly. Frightening.

Can’t he just say, "Here, poke me with this stick," and it’ll be over with? Or make him eat a sandwich; I bet ghosts can’t digest. It would just fall out of him, right? Anyway, why would it be bad to have a ghost hang around? It’s not like he can do anything; he’s just pixie dust and starlight.

I hope he can convince his home town that he’s no longer dead. But not quite as much as I hope I get my money back.

Goddamn flush draws.

Giving Credit Where Credit Is Due

No, this post isn’t about the tax code (sorry to disappoint).

A battle is being waged (another money joke) on the internet for the use of material. As far as I’m concerned it is between the popular humor website EBaumsWorld.com and the more underground YTMND.com, but there are other parties involved. The YTMND site (named so for the cult following of the popular ‘Finding Forrester’ quote “You the man now, dog!” spoken ridiculously by Sean Connery) and it’s contributors are up in arms over a number of jokes and videos YTMND created and that EBaums proceeded to take for themselves. They gave no credit for the stolen footage. The straw that broke the camel’s back was a video called ‘Lindsey Lohan doesn’t change facial expressions’ (which is very funny and you should click that link to watch it, and there are other celebrities with similar videos) was taken without permission from YTMND by the folks at EBaums. No big deal, right? Well since EBaums sells ad space it is a big deal. From what I’ve heard from a guy I know* about the subject is that EBaums makes close to $6,000 a day from the ads, and the people who make the clips (including YTMND) get no part of the action. I guess you see the point of the money references. YTMND faithful began flooding the EBaumsWorld.com forums with spam and EBaums called the cops and wrote this funny letter to YTMND. And so war was upon us.

*I understand that something ‘I heard from this guy’ isn’t that reliable of a source and probably wouldn’t stand up in court, but know what? Not your CNN news guy, so shut up. Also, CNN isn’t that reliable anymore anyway, so put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Now, I have been known to borrow material for this site (see Commandment III) and in my stand up act. Back in the day (meaning last year) I would borrow a line or two (or more) from guys who I think are very funny like Mitch Hedberg, Jimmy Carr, Mike Birbiglia, and a few others, but the difference between myself and Eric Bauman, the creator of the aforementioned website, is that I do a number of things differently. I no longer use other comedian’s material because I have enough material now that I don’t need to use other people’s crap any longer, when I did I gave credit (not $, but I did give Dap) to those comedians, and (most importantly) I and my compatriots do not sell ad space. We don’t need to; simply reading Horrible People once a day will make your penis bigger in just 4 weeks.**

**Side effects may include itchy feet, upset stomach, blurred vision, vomiting, increased blood pressure, water in the knee, ankle bone connected to the knee bone, nasal leakage, brain tumors, diarrhea, rickets, irritability, and death. Side effects will include increased sense of humor and decreased moral levels.

I can understand people being angry at me for using material that I had no permission to use which is why I tend to not do it any more. Eric Bauman and the 20 or so other people who make the close to $2,190,000 (6,000x365) a year do not. I used the material because I thought it would get me more laughs just as EBaums uses other things to get more hits. But what I did is not impeding anybody’s ability to make money. It’s not like Mitch Hedberg was across town telling the same jokes and I was disrupting his audience potential. EBaums is making money off of other people’s work and that’s why it is illegal.

Mitch Hedberg’s dead now, so all his stuff is public domain anyways.

Just kidding.

Seriously though, click this link for free porn.

An open letter to...Real Worlders

Hey Real Worlders,
Over the long weekend I was fortunate enough to catch some of the fine reality based programming that can be seen on MTV. I know they used to get caught up with music and dabbled in original comedy and animation series but luckily those days are over. Sandwhiched between brain dead LA 20 somethings being force fed lines on 'Next' to Miami STD carriers on 'Room Raiders', I was able to catch the season wrap up of your show. I am sure this isn't the first or last time it will be played but I wanted to make a few things clear that apparently are only obvious to the rest of the world.

Let me first get a little more specific. The episode I watched was for the recap of Real World Austin. I didn't even know there was an Austin. Or any Real World after the season where the black guy and that alcoholic chick got naked in the pool in the first episode, of whatever season it was when I was still in middle school. I bring this to your attention because one of you Real World Austin alumn mentioned that you guys are unique. So unique in fact I can't even remember who said it.

You are not unique. You are the same shameless, celebrity craving idiots they get every season. You say that no one has had, or will have the same experience? Well, based off of the MTV website Austin was the 16th season. Let me do some quick math, that is 7 strangers picked to live in a house for over 16 seasons, which makes 112 people who did the same motherfucking thing! 112 people who lived for free, for several months with some cameras around and who were manipulated by producers and editting techniques to create a false sense of drama. Wow, that really is an amazing feat that you and every other cast experienced.

Although I agree it is strange how everyone in Austin seemed to hate you during filming. Funny how people disrespect no talent reality stars that act as if everyone in the room owes them special treatment. But don't feel bad when you are publicly ridiculed over televised footage of you at your worse. I think it's in your contract that you can't. Also look forward to the special Challenges and Reunion specials that will interupt your exciting and lucrative careers waiting tables and taking ticket stubs. Or go the quick route that Mel, Tonya and Trishelle took and get skanky behind the scenes and on the net.

I'll take a minute here and let my roomate finish masterbating to those pics, since he, for some reason, loves girls with mediocre looks and drinking problems. I think the message I am trying to convey here is stop. Just fucking stop. MTV can't make more trash if you just say no. Say no to creating a legacy with how many hook-ups you got in RoadRules/RealWorld Challenge Thailand. And for the love of Christ stop thinking you accomplished something. You created soft core club footage to build ad space around. That's it. Now if you don't mind I have some reality skank photos to peruse.

Cordially,
Jay Runner

Reuben Tells You Why Your Favorite Movie Sucks: Hostel

Let me tell you all a little story. One day, ‘Kill Bill’ director and professional raving lunatic Quentin Tarantino and ‘Cabin Fever’ director and fellow professional raving lunatic Eli Roth decided to make a movie. The lovechild they ended up spewing out was the film ‘Hostel’ and boy did it suck the nut.

In a related story, I have decided to keep my raving lunatic status as amateur so as to keep my Olympic eligibility. You agents can stop calling me now.

Well if the agents aren’t the ones calling then what are those voices I hear?

Enough with the foreplay, you came for the good stuff.

1. Wading In The Shallow End
Story so weak chemo patients could beat it in a cage match. Characters so dull classic C-SPAN looks more enjoyable. To delve into the contents of the movie would not only ruin the story for you, but would also give merit to the movie as being more complex than one sentence can provide, which is not true. Much like Titanic, which could be described simply as ‘the boat sank,’ ‘Hostel’ can easily be summed up as a story about two Americans on a European road trip who get tortured. Not really any good plot twists. And let me tell you about the one dimensional characters. The introverted naïve virgin, his friend the excitable west coast hipster, the wacky euro-pop happy go lucky goof, the creepy old guy with homosexual tendencies, the list goes on. No original thought, no development, just lots of graphic sex and violence. Boy, hard to see how this is a Tarantino project.

2. The Greatest 32 Minutes In Film History
Okay, that’s some overstatement there, but the first 32 minutes of Hostel were fucking awesome. Actually, it was mostly just fucking. There were hot women topless in saunas, high and drunk party chicks showing everything, a couple having sex in the background of one scene for no reason. It was pretty sweet. Just gratuitous nudity from wall to wall. I needed to crack a window it was so pungent. It was awesome.

3. The Worst 63 Minutes In Film History.
That one isn’t overstatement. People’s heads and fingers and shit getting chopped off without warning, completely unoriginal and uninspired dialogue, creepy gangs of kids for no reason, plot twists that make absolutely no sense. This movie took a nose dive. It makes me queasy just thinking about it. Not the gore and blood, but the ill-conceived notion that this film would be enjoyable to anyone. It’s offensive to me as a viewer that anyone would think that it would be a good movie.

4. Déjà Vu All Over Again
Remember Euro Trip? Same movie, but this one is not as funny. Almost, but not quite. I understand that Hollywood has run out of ideas, but this is ridiculous. Much like the classic films ‘Fail Safe’ and ‘Dr. Strangelove: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb,’ this film takes from a comedy released a few years earlier and makes it into a dark glimpse of the human unconsciousness. But whereas ‘Fail Safe’ was a great movie, ‘Hostel’ was, well, not so much. Roth should start to learn to love the bomb.

Other than perfect fodder for Mystery Science Theatre 3000, this movie defied physics by blowing and sucking at the same time. No redeeming qualities whatsoever (after the first half hour, I mean).

I told you to stop calling already, so leave me alone!

Reuben Tells You Why Your Favorite Music Sucks, Part 2: County Music Television

A little generic, but I think you know what I’m getting at. This subject covers not so much the actual abomination known as CMT, but instead 90% of all country music made since, I don’t know, how ‘bout 1997. Apparently, if you put on a cowboy hat and some denim and have a handlebar mustache you can sell a million records with simply god awful uncreative misogynistic lyrics and a whammy bar. A little hint from we here at Horrible People; stick with Willie Nelson and Johnny Cash (and Joaquin Phoenix’s exhumation and reincarnation).

This one’s going to be like shooting fish in a barrel (and I have a double barrel shotgun chalk full of hate).

1. Rich... But Not Smooth

Very high on the list of crappy corporate created country crapola (wow, that’s a whole lot of alliteration) is the ‘band’ Big and Rich. I use the term ‘band’ loosely because, much like so-called ‘boy band,’ I have never seen either of them actually playing a guitar. I’ve seen them holding them in their videos while grinning at an overhead boom camera, but not playing them. It’s a prop, not a tool (not unlike Britney Spears and a microphone). But I digress. Big and Rich does the song ‘Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy)’ which I hate for a few reasons but I’ll limit it to two. First, I hate any song that has half of its title in parenthesis. Just name the fucking song, there’s no need for multiple names. My name isn’t Hurricane (Reuben), because that would be retarded. Hurricane Reuben. Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy. Add a comma if you want. Go ahead, do it. Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy. Assholes. Second, it has become the drunk sorority girl anthem. Not the hot drunk sorority girls that might go home with me later if I play my cards right, but the ones that remind those hot girls that they ‘promised we’d all leave together’ and look like Garfield (the cat or the president). And I think we all know where the drunk sorority sing-along leads: group cry time on the street corner because ‘Jesse just doesn’t understand!’ Don’t bring that weak shit up in my house. They have some other songs, but they aren’t nearly as popular. Thank God.

2. Honkey Tonk Piece Of Crap
Contrary to popular belief, Tracy Atkins’ song ‘Honky Tonk Badonkadonk’ is not in fact music. It is the sound of Hell. At least that’s what’s track 1 in my version of Hell’s play list is. Number 2 is listening to all of the episodes of ‘Friends’ in succession. I’m amazed I haven’t shot him yet. Which record executive decided, ‘you know what, this guy has something here with his mixture of black slang, overused country lingo, and dance beats?’ If you know, please send their name and address to me as soon as possible.

3. The Dukes Of Bad Country
Jessica Simpson is hot. Willie Nelson is awesome. What could go wrong? Everything, apparently. I would just mute the video when it came on. Suffice it to say that shortly after the video came on the TV...
*see below if you didn't get that joke.

4. Never Trust A Man With Two First Names (And Two Greatest Hits Albums)
Toby Keith. What else can I say? You already know the Built Ford Tough. I can’t watch those commercials anymore. Just buying into the stereotype. I didn’t know any more stuff he did so I had to look him up because I couldn’t name a single Toby Keith song. Not one. Which is why I was most surprised when I saw that he has a greatest hits album. Shocking, huh? How about the fact that he has a second greatest hits album? That means the following things all had to occur: someone decided that Toby Keith had any hits at all let alone enough to release a greatest hits album, then a record exec had to ascribe to it, then he had to sell so many of those albums so as to get Toby to release more so called music, then he had to have so many more hits that he needed a whole second greatest hits album. I swear to you, I have never heard a Toby Keith song. Ever. I can’t explain his apparent popularity.

To sum up; I like country music. Real country music, not this preprocessed prepubescent pop prepackaged puke (wow, that’s a whole lot of alliteration). We are witnessing the downfall of country music. What once was a great form of music with the tradition of bluegrass and hillbilly has regressed into some form of bad vaudeville. A little bad music, a little bad comedy, a little poorly thought out explicit sexuality and cliché lyrics. Something for everybody. To hate.

*...I came on the TV. you idiots.

We Put The 'Party' Back In The Nazi Party

How are there still Nazis? I was under the impression that they died out with the dinosaurs and New Coke. But I saw some at a party recently! At first I thoguht they were just some guys with shaven heads, but when added to the black jeans, leather boots with oxblood laces, and knuckle tattoos I just couldn't come to any other conclusion. College guys, too, not like 25 or 30, they were like 20. As a parent, how do you not see the warning signs of that?

Kid: "Hey Mom, Hey Dad." (Nazi salutes to parents)
Dad: "Hi, son."
Kid: "Like the new boots? They came with the uniform."
Mom: "Looking good, honey."
Kid: "I'm going out for a walk." (Nazi marches out the door) "You coming to the barbeque tonight?"

They asked if I wanted to hang with them later. I declined.

Chuck Norris Jokes, comedy at its finest

While on our never ending quest for great comedy we at Horrible People have recently been exposed to Chuck Norris Jokes. You can find them all over the internet on sites and messageboards proclaiming what a badass Chuck really is. Here's a list of 10 of our favorites followed by our very own versions.

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris has a word for people he put into a coma; that word is "lucky"

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit" I mean "kick", and by "sweaters" I mean "babies".

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad at Chuck and admitted he should have seen it comming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Superman sleeps in Chuck Norris pajamas.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris uses a live rattlesnake as a condom.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

And here are our very own...

Horrible Chuck Norris Jokes.

Chuck Norris once attempted to swim back and forth across the Atlantic ocean ten times but had to stop at nine, when an ocean liner known as the Titanic ran into his balls.

A white guy, a black guy and Chuck Norris walk into a bar. Who wasn't brutally roundhouse kicked in the face and killed? That's a rhetorical question.

If you can read this joke you haven't met Chuck Norris.

To create Stretch Armstrong dolls Chuck Norris simply blows his nose into their hollow frame.

When Chuck Norris was on Legends of the Hidden Temple he told Olmec where to go.

Chuck Norris is the 8th wonder of the world. And the first 7.

Chuck Norris found Osama Bin Laden, Waldo, and Carmen Sandiego before lunch.

Chuck Norris uses his middle and ring finger to crack walnuts. And coconuts. And if you cross him, your nuts.

Chuck Norris won't do a damn thing for a Klondike bar. But he'll take one anyway.

When Chuck Norris sits around the house, he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

While Chuck Norris was backpacking through China he was accidently bumped into by a noodleshop owner's wife. The woman, who gazed directly into his beard while apologizing, was impregnated instantly. She gave birth to twins later that year, the world knows them as Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee.

Chuck Norris doesn't have air conditioning because he exhales freon.

If you look up "badass" in the dictionary you won't find a picture of Chuck Norris becuase he has better things to do.

George Bush didn't have faulty intelligence when claiming Iraq possessed WMDs. Chuck Norris just left.

Hercules wasn't half man and half God, he was 1/16th Chuck Norris.

The only maneuver within the Kama Sutra that has not been performed by average men is the "Chuck Norris". It involves penetrating a woman from behind doggystyle while simultaneously roundhouse kicking her in the face. This is the only way Chuck Norris fucks.

Chuck Norris is not alive, because things that live will someday die. Chuck Norris exists.

If you give Chuck Norris a blowjob it will cure cavities and whiten your teeth. At least that's what he tells you.

The circle of life begins and ends with Chuck Norris.

The highest Terror Alert Level is Chuck Norris. It is the color of his beard.

When reading 'warning: don't try this at home', it applies to everyone but Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was able to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. Only to roundhouse kick him into oblivion.

It takes Chuck Norris one lick to get to the center of a tootsie pop.

Chuck Norris can drink and breathe at the same time. That's quite a feat seeing as how it's impossible.

Chuck Norris is so powerful that he can make 3 college students sit in a dorm room for 2 and a half hours comming up with Chuck Norris jokes.

(Post)Game Of The Century

So just in case you’ve been trapped in a mine for the last week, the College Football National Championship was yesterday and Texas won. I actually only saw the last eight seconds because I was too busy feeding my poker habit (don’t you judge me), but those were some exciting eight seconds. Good stuff.

My problem isn’t with the game itself (which I’m sure was the realization of talentless suck hole and rambling coot Brent Musberger’s wet dream), but instead is with what ensued. First of all, the post game interviews were god awful. Everything that spilled out of a reporter’s mouth in interviewing either of the two big USC stars (Matt Leinart and Reggie Bush) was the most inappropriate thing to ask a losing team since the Romans asked Jesus, ‘How does that feel, douche bag?’ Questions like these:

"So Reggie, what were you thinking when you lateraled that ball?"

Was it high school all over again? That’s what you were thinking? No, you imbecile, it’s the fucking title game! Jesus, why didn’t you just put on your cape and fly to the fucking end zone? I’m sure it wouldn’t have surprised USC lampreys like former ‘Battlebots’ host Sean Salisbury and shell of a human being Lee Corso while they suck your cock a little bit more?

"Matt, with eight seconds left on the clock, why didn’t you make a quick pass to set up a field goal attempt or at least toss the ball incomplete for a last minute attempt?"

Oh jeez, I guess he just cracked under the pressure. I mean, he's never been in a big game situation like this before except for the other national title game and the other 15 or so ranked teams he's faced. I mean, he only won the Heisman once, so he can’t be that good. Seriously though, they paid him good money to throw the game.

And the stupidity didn't end at the questioning of the losing players. Vince Young, quarterback for the winning Longhorns, was faced with an intense grilling with astute questions like this:

"Vince, how do you feel about your performance in the game tonight?"

Oh, tough one. Well I guess he felt good about it, considering he set every record and nobody could touch him the whole damn night. Also, pure diesel fuel runs in his veins, which probably helped. And steroids. Oops!

The next person I hear say InVinceable in reference to Young is getting stabbed in the neck.

And that’s not all. Not even close. As if they didn’t replay that shit enough, they’ve already begun the countdown to the NFL draft, and since the projected top 3 picks were in the game last night the we’d all better get into a frenzy for the next… 4 months. Mel Kiper, Jr., whose obsessiveness of the draft is challenged only by Miller Time’s need to spout hateful remarks to passerbys, got all hot and bothered already, talking about whether or not Rose Bowl MVP Vince Young, 2005 Heisman winner Reggie Bush, or 2004 Heisman winner Matt Leinart will be the first pick. Exciting stuff. Though to be fair, I am more interested in this than anything having to do with Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt. Barely.

Honestly people, it’s just a game (at least that’s what I told my bookie; don't judge me). Let’s let these guys go back to normal college life, and not have to worry about what’s next for them and only worry about what the rest of us worry about.

Which of the hundreds co-eds who want it bad to bang first.

One Does Not Simply Blog Into Mordor

They come with fire.

They come with angst.

They come with... drop C tuning.

What chance does man have against such reckless hate?

We must resist them. If we work together we can defeat the armies of Death Metal. We can defeat them. They are no match for our guitars that are correctly amplified, or our guitar strings that don’t slap incessantly against the pickups. The scream of the pterodactyl-like lead singer will no longer be heard in our midst. We must journey to the beginning, to the center of this evil. The Live Journal blogs.

We, the Horrible, will carry this burden. We ask that you join us on our quest, for when Gangstas and Hugs and Touch Pants can finally come together we will prevail against the forces of double bass drum and black face paint.

The blood-red colored contact lens Eye is upon us. We must move quickly. There are more evil things than Death Metal in the deep places of the world...

Go Forth and Be Funny, part III: The Ten Commandments

And the Lord spoke unto Hurricane, "Go forth to your Horrible People and say: Our Lord gives unto our people these stone tablets, the Ten Commandments of comedy.” And Hurricane replied, “These look more like empty pizza boxes with sharpie marker scribbles on them.” “Silence! Then you shall read the Commandments to them, for many cannot read thanks to declining acceptance standards. Thou shalt follow the letter of this law lest you be smote!” “Smote?” “I can make up words whenever I please,” replied God, “how do you think all the other ones were made?” And Hurricane knew that he got his ass handed to him, and God went on:

I. Thou Shalt Be Funny
And God spoke unto Hurricane, “Thou shall funny at all times, even if only in your own mind’s eye. You shall giggle at inappropriate moments and crack jokes far too soon. You shall humor many with your witticisms and quips, and you will be looked upon as humorous all the days of your life.” And Hurricane was pleased and God was pleased and they had a moment. And it was good.

II. Thou Shalt Write
God then gave unto Hurricane the gift of writing. God said to him, “You shall spend half your day writing. You shall write in class, in your room and in your friend's rooms.” And God said, “But you will not write for class. You will only write for your stand up act and comedy blog.” And Hurricane nodded in approval, and it was good.

III. Thou Shalt Borrow Material
And God said unto Hurricane, “You and all the people of your kind shall borrow material from those funnier than you.” Hurricane was not convinced and asked, “Why?” God said unto him, “You shall not be able to make everything up yourself and therefore be left with writer’s block. You shall need a few more bits with only an hour before your next show and choose a few bits that most people have not heard of and use them for your own. After which,” God said, “You shall be called out for stealing material by a few audience members after your show and you shall be left wanting to write your own crap so you don’t have to take this shit anymore.” Hurricane did not like this Commandment but carefully considered what might happen if he and God got into a fist fight, so he begrudgingly accepted. And it was good.

IV. Thou Shalt Curse Like It’s Your Job
“Hurricane, thou shalt say shit and fuck a lot. It will not be pleasant either, for it will be angry and hateful will burn in the ears of the audience for hours. Your mind shall think that a cock sucker in this joke is unnecessary, but you are appealing to the lowest common denominator and must be as much like Bernie Mac as possible..” Hurricane was not pleased and called God out, saying, “Hold on, that’s not cool!” And with mighty wisdom and other verb-noun agreements you use to describe God, He responded, “Yea, I don’t like his stand up much either.” And it was good.

V. Thou Shalt Join A Comedy Troupe
Then God spoke again, saying, “And during the times that you are not eating, sleeping, writing, or shitting, thou shalt join a comedy troupe. You shall be on the list serve and receive e-mails all the time, but thou shalt not go to meetings.” And Hurricane asked why he should not go to meetings, and God responded, “Because Comedy on the Rocks is gay.” And Hurricane understood his teaching, and it was good.

VI. Thou Shalt Eat The Free Pizza
God called out again, saying, “Thou shalt eat the free pizza afforded to you by the venue. It is filling and does not require money for procurement, for thou art poor and cannot afford such luxuries.” God went on, “It shall not always be pizza. Sometimes it may be a hamburger or a grilled cheese sandwich. Sometimes it will be the peanuts on the bar. But it will be satisfying. Sometimes.” And it, too, was good.

VII. Thou Shalt Interact With The Audience
“Thou shalt make conversation with audience members, particularly those who you wish to hook up with later in the night. You shall also make haste in conversing with those drunk and disorderly in your audience, for they are most entertaining. Blessed are the drunk, for they are least likely to understand your insults.” And it was good.

VIII. Thou Shalt Criticize Other Comedians
God said unto Hurricane, “There will come a time that you will see a comedian finish their act, after which you will tell your buddy next to you that he sucked the nut. You will then proceed to tell your friend every detail of what the last guy did wrong; he was abrasive, he mumbled, he had material that only targeted a few audience members, he checked his notes too much.” Hurricane asked if it was he that was the bad comedian and God laughed but did not answer. And it was good.

IX. Thou Shalt Write For A Campus TV Show
Hurricane then asked, “But how shall I communicate these teachings outside of the stage?” And God answered, “Thou shalt write for a local television show. Thou shalt write for the show but rarely if every go to meetings, for you are lazy and too busy with other things like napping.” And it was good.

X. Thou Shalt Have Bad Nights
Hurricane asked for the final Commandment, and God said that he would not like it. “Lastly,” God decreed, “Thou shalt have bad nights on stage.” Hurricane looks upon the face of God confused. God went on, saying, “Thou shalt not apologize either. You have been using the same material for months now and it just so happened that this night all the people who wouldn’t like your jokes showed up. You will know in your heart that these jokes got tons of laughs last week, so you will not change a thing. But in your head you will have doubt about your material, so you will borrow more from other comedians to fill the void.” Hurricane wept at the news, but God comforted him, saying, “You will still get free pizza even if you cannot tell any jokes anymore.” This livened Hurricane’s spirit, so he said, “Thank you, Lord, you are most wise.”

To which God replied, “Why do the assholes always have to be the comedians?” And it was good.

Horrible Resolutions

In honor of the start of a new year it's time to reflect on the good and bad and make some promises to yourself on areas you where you can improve. I know I've got my list made, and to make sure I'm held to it I'm posting it here. Here's a list of my horrible resolutions...

Get my grades up. However not through hard work but by hacking the school's server and cheating.

Learn to hack a school server and cheat, without getting caught.

Fight the power.

Stop collecting toe nail clippings in shopping bags. Jars are more effective.

Lobby for gay marriage until all people in America receive equal treatment.

Marry Jake Gyllenhaal.

Stop chasing two outers to the river and stop overplaying suited connectors in late position.

Stop using so much poker lingo.

Finally reach puberty.

Grow rugged beard to emulate Chuck Norris.

No longer allow people like Larry the Cable Guy, Carlos Mencia and Lisa Lampanelli on tv. They are destroying my love of comedy because they are shitty no talent hacks that survive on racial humor and poop jokes.

Get people to listen to David Cross, Patton Oswalt, Eugene Mirman, Zach Galifianakis and Mike Birbiglia. Along with other hilarious comics that restore my love of comedy.

Clone myself.

Enslave me.

Force me to work fast food and take checks from myself to play more poker.

Harvest clone's organs. Sell for poker money.

Reunite Hootie and the Blowfish to tour and release new album.

Update Horrible People more often.

Stop exagerating and using so much hyperbole.

Remain the savior of comedy through my incomparable genius and bootylicious body and start on MY ULTIMATE GOAL OF BECOMMING THE BENEVOLENT RULER OF EARTH!

...stop referring to body as bootylicious.