Show Time at the Front Room

Hello there, horrible people. Looking for something fun and exciting to do tomorrow night? Of course you are. Check this out: Miller and myself will be doing our famous brand of charcoal-mellowed comedy that you know and love tomorrow night at midnight. You want to know more? Here's the specifics:

Who: Myself, Nick, and 6 other comedians
What: Stand-up Showcase
When: 12 am midnight, Friday April 29 (night of April 28th)
Where: Front Room, Baker Center, Athens Ohio

Now I know what you're all thinking: where's Runner? He'll be competing in an Ultimate tournament in Chicago. Sucks for that guy.

We hope to see you all there.

Judge Not, Lest Ye Be Judged

You know what I hate? All of this political correctness. It's such hypocritical bullshit. There isn't a single person on planet Earth who can look at a person and not judge them, even a little bit. Personally, I know I still clutch my purse whenever a black man comes on the elevator with me.

I'm not saying we should judge people arbitrarily. I'm just saying that we should take into account certain aspects of a person's race, national origin, color, religion, gender, age, weight, veteran status, sexual orientation, personal hygiene habits, political affiliation, mental health, and ability to perform sexually before handing them the keys. That's all.

You folks feel free to stick with your high and mighty 'judge not by the color of your skin but by the content of your character' and see where it gets you. I'll tell you where it gets you. It gets you shot in the head. Think about it, everybody who has come out and tried to bring about world peace, they're gone. Martin Luther King, Jr. BANG! Dead. John F. Kennedy. BANG! Dead. Yitzhak Rabin. BANG! Dead. Ghandi. BANG! Dead. Abraham Lincoln. BANG! Dead. Jesus... BAM, BAM, BAM! Dead. You see what I'm saying? You can't just trust everyone unconditionally. Some people ruin it for the rest of us, and this veneer of being polite to everyone and making sure no one hurts anybody else's feelings is in the way of solving the problem.

(I guess you need the visual for the Jesus one there, but you're all smart people. Figure it out.)

You go ahead and get on the plane with Mohammed and Habib. By the way, we didn't check them at the gate because we believe everybody to be trustworthy citizens of the world. We aren't exactly sure why his sandals are ticking, but I'm sure it's nothing. I'm sure his shirt just looks lumpy because he didn't have time to iron it after the business luncheon and not because he has 14 pounds of C-4 bricks strapped to his chest. But don't worry about it, because you don't judge people. I'm sure Oliver Stone will make you a fitting tribute.

I'm not trying to start a fight, people. All I'm saying is that once we recognize our differences, instead of ignoring them, we can truly get at what's wrong with the world. Right now, political correctness is in the way of acheiving that. Most people are good, and it's not as if the bad ones are all of one sect of the population.

Instead of racism or bigotry or anything else getting in the way, we can finally get past all of that. We can finally hate people for being the douche bags that they really are.

Tha Case of ACRN v. Horrible Radio

Well folks, it's been about three months since you're favorite comedy trio was fired from the All College Radio Network and we have some interesting developments for you. First, here's a short recap of the story:

(ripple effect)

At the beginning of winter quarter, our heroes (we three of the H.P.) sought to begin a partnership with ACRN, an internet radio station at Ohio University. The combination, we thought, of college radio and our 'Horrible' comedy could have a wonderful effect on listenership (aka, more listeners) as well as the entertainment quality of the station. In return, the broadcasts would expand our fanbase, bringing more people to our live shows and website, where in turn we could advertise in front of our fans for the radio show, etcetera. It seemed a match made in heaven.

We were approved for the show in late January for an hour on Friday nights 7-8 p.m. and scheduled to begin February 3rd, with special guest local/recording legend Bruce Dalzell. Midway through the week, having not advertized for the show ahead of time, we elected to make fliers. One of the two designs was this one:



We put those up on the night of February 1st. By the night of February 2nd, over half of the fliers were taken down and by Friday all but a few remained. We were called in to have a meeting the Programming VP of ACRN and we were informed that not only would we be not on the air that night, but that we were immediatly terminated. This meeting took place five hours before 'Horrible Radio' was to premier. Thus ends the story of our heroes.

(fade to black)

Or is it?

Why were we fired, you might ask? The flier you see above you was cited as the cause of our termination. We were informed that the flier could cause a station that has been around for over 30 years to have its funding pulled if we were not fired promptly. The content, we were told, was the main issue. Also included in the reasoning for our dismissal was the fact that we didn't consult the Programming department in creating our fliers before putting them up. That is what we were told on February 3rd.

Our sources tell us that the story told at the meeting the following Sunday of our conspicuous disappearance was not the content of the flier, but the fact that we hung fliers without permission or consultation from the Advertising department. I'll say that again: the content was not cited as the reason for our dismissal.

Odd, right? That the reason for our being fired wasn't shared with the other DJs? Ponder that for a minute.

To bring you up to date since that time, we have pretty much stopped trying to get a radio show, on ACRN or otherwise. The VP we were cancelled by didn't like us and we won't have a show on the station as long as that person is still in the organization. The plan now is pretty much to wait 'til that person graduates and then see if we still want to do the radio show.

Instead of trying to continue our internet radio endeavors, we have elected to put our skills to other uses. Jay, Miller, and myself have all continued our stand-up and have gained much popularity in recent months. We have started the Ohio University Stand-Up Comedy Club and have recieved nothing but the best reaction from those who we are working with to make the group a success. We should be formed officially as a campus recognized group by the end of the quarter and have events starting in the fall. We are once again trying to create 'Horrible People' the television show on Athens Video Works and should we get approval from AVW this spring we will have episodes airing in the fall.

I haven't heard much from the guy making the new web site recently so I'm not sure how soon completion is, however upon completion the official 'Horrible People' web site will be the new home of not only this comedy blog (which I'm sure you all check obsessively like the away messages of a crush you have), but also a place for you to see episodes of 'Horrible People' television, watch video and listen to recorded stand-up comedy from your favorite comedians (meaning us) and other stand-up from around OU (meaning not us). In addition, it will have rare recordings of our short stint on ACRN, including our infamous 'Gambler' incident, and also photos, news, calendar of events, and much more.

As you can see, we've gotten past the loathing of our once-partners for what we think was unfair treatment. Recently, an altercation (taking place entirely within the world of an AIM box) between a DJ on duty at ACRN and Miller Time caused us to take action. The DJ initiated the conversation (and the ensuing debacle) with Miller and proceeded to insult him and 'Horrible People.' Miller, in turn, used his superior comedic talent, biting sarcasm, and brain skills (aka mind bullets) to disarm and befuddle the stunned creature of the night. Miller would have put the contents of the conversation (and the DJ's spliced innards) on this site for your enjoyment, but closed the box by accident before copying its contents.

Horrible People doesn't want to create a blood feud, nor do we wish to cut ties with all members in ACRN. Indeed, we would like to be the hosts of 'Horrible Radio' once more and don't want to create anger. We do plan, however, on gracing our former club members with our presence at the next meeting. We have a few reasons for doing this. One, and most important to me, the Programming director still has the cassettes with our remaining radio recordings (including the infamous 'Gambler' incident). Two, we feel that we were misrepresented when the powers that be told the other DJs the story of our termination and that they deserve to hear it from us. Three, we refuse to let arbitrary positions of those in charge at a radio station based on the 'rebel' metality censor us completely without retribution.

For those of you who appreciate our brand of comedy and are fans, thank you for your support. I raise my glass of Bartles and James to you, good sirs.

For those of you who think that the only kind of comedy is that which you approve of, the only kind of entertainment you can stand on the airwaves is that which you like and nothing with a difference of opinion, those of you who think that you are experts in comedy having never had any connection to the comedic community other than that one time you saw 'Animal House,' please leave.

You folks do music we don't like. You go to shows for bands we think are absent both lyrically and in skill. For more of how much I hate everything you do, refer to everything we have ever said about Emo. But we understand you like it. If that's what you want to do, feel free, but on one condition: let us do our thing.

For any concerns or questions regarding ACRN's dealings with Horrible People, questionable leadership, terrible music, or anything else (including crack calls), you can call them at (740)593-2276. If the keyboard is more to your liking, AIM your requests for the triumphant return of 'Horrible Radio' or anything you want to talk about to AIM name 'The Lobster'. The DJ that Miller got in a scuffle with is on air from 10 'til midnight on Wednesdays. Make sure you tell them how much you appreciate his over-inflated sense of self-importance as well as his bad taste in music and comedy.

(end credits)

An Open Letter to Nickelodeon

What happened to you, man? You used to be so cool. We used to hang out all the time. Almost every day, remember? We'd get home from school and watch 'Salute Your Shorts' and 'All That' (even though 'Hey, Dude' has always sucked and 'Are You Afraid of the Dark' scared the bejesus out of me), and then the best shows like 'Pete and Pete,' 'Aaah, Real Monsters,' and 'The Angry Beavers' would come on the weekends. 'Figure it Out' wasn't terrible either. 'Rocko's Modern Life', man! Come on. 'Double Dare!' That's good stuff.

But one show supercedes the rest. One show outperformed all the others. My love for old school Nick was led by one show, one singular program. 'Legends of the Hidden Temple.' Greatest program in television history, bar none. They filmed 120 episodes in 3 seasons. That's quality and quantity. Sure, 'GUTS' had the Aggro-Crag and that was very cool (even when they did the ill-advised 'Global GUTS' and it became the Mega-Crag). But it pales in comparison to the wonder that is Legends, with your host Kirk Fogg. Why would you cancel that program? It had everything. It had 10-year-olds trying to complete ridiculous challenges for Pendants of Life. It had teams like the Blue Barracudas and the Green Monkeys (I could name all 6, but I'll save you the time). It had an informational aspect with the Steps of Knowledge. How else would I have known who the first Emperor of China was or how the French defeated the Germanic Tribes in the early 400s on the banks of the Rhine? It had Olmec, a 15-foot tall stone head with a voice like Barry White and the greatest co-host in television history (Trolley from Mr. Rogers and Andy Richter tie for a distant second). It had cool t-shirts with the team logos and gold spray painted helmets and a live studio audience. That would have been enough to rope me in, but all of that was leading up to the main course, the Piece de Resistance: Olmec's Temple. You can keep your Dome of the Rock or your Vatican; my spiritual center resides in a two story, 13 room structure on a back lot somewhere at Nick Studios. You want the famous Nose Ring of Babe the Blue Ox, Atilla the Hun's gold goblet, or Lindhburg's missing weather maps? You got to beat the Temple, a glorious foam core and styrofoam labyrinth of strange puzzles and absurd obstacles. And watch out for the Temple Guards! There's always one in the Swamp room, don't go in there unless you have one of the two pendants handy, 'cuz he wants 'em. Those crazy Mayan guys like it in the room with all the fallen pillars, too. Start in the cave (no need to go upstairs just yet), move to the Shrine of the Silver Monkey, climb the mine shaft, those are easier ones. The one where you pull books out of the skeletons isn't that tough either. Don't get cheeky and try to put all the tiles in the right order, that takes far too long and you don't have time for that shit. You have two minutes, just bust through the wall in the Viper's Lair already. Quit trying to guess which pot the key is in, the Dark Forest is there if you need to get to the Jester's Court, and all you need to do there is hit the button on the wall. The freakin' treasure is in the Quicksand Bog, dammit! Stop wasting time in the Observatory and get to the fucking Tomb of the Ancient Kings!

I sense I've lost some of you in that last section. It's okay, let's move on.

Really, Nickelodeon. By the way, can I call you Nick? What is this crap you're playing now? No longer does 'Kenan and Kel' grace my television with their presence. Instead we have 'The Amanda Bynes Show,' that no talent over-sexualized 14-year-old (which is Jay Runner's thing so he likes it). Now the Rugrats aren't the 'Rugrats' any longer; they're 'All Grown Up.' 'Invader Zim' has been replaced by 'Jimmy Neutron.' Little quality programming remains.

And the worst offender? I'll give you a hint: he live in a pineapple under the see. Absorbant and porous and yellow is he. I give SpongeBob full points for a clever opening theme song (which I have memorized; don't judge me), but the show is awful. Plot summary: stupid yellow Porifera in square pants with pet snail befriends pink Asteroidea and annoys everyone else with incompetence traditionally reserved for only those on MTV dating shows. If I wanted to watch a bumbling idiot wreak havoc with his equally bumbling idiotic friends I'd watch the president on C-SPAN.

I no longer have the in depth plots and twists or the quality writing I expect from you, Nickelodeon. Not only that, but now I don't have a source to learn how the Vikings defeated the English. Was it their ships? Weaponry? Good looks? I don't know now that Olmec's gone; I have SpongeBob, and he doesn't teach me shit.

Nickelodeon, you need to pick up the slack. When 'Fairly Odd Parents' is the best show on your network you need to work on something.

Or else I'm sending the Temple Guards to your house, and I didn't see you earn any pendants in the Temple Games.

Sincerely, Hurricane Reuben

Reuben tells you why your Favorite Comedian sucks: Dane Cook

It's been an easy ride so far. Larry the Cable Guy didn't put up much of a fight when I ripped him to shreds similar to the tattered tablecloth he calls a shirt. 'Hostel' proved to be just as easy to drill holes in (if you'll pardon the play on words). I imagine My Chemical Romance probably just wept in a corner of a dark room somewhere. Not to mention Mencia, who was so ripe for the picking that we had to do him twice. But I think it's time for a challenge. A real challenge. Someone whose moronic fans would come to the rescue with intense fervor to save their beloved idol. Someone who is at the top of their game. Someone insanely popular yet deserving of a stern talking to and swift ass kicking from we three of the H.P. Someone like Dane Cook. With that said, this is why he sucks more than Earth's gravitational pull. Let's start off with an easy one...

Did you see 'Waiting'?

It was terrible. Not all Dane's fault, but he didn't help himself any by being a worse actor than Chuck Norris in 'Missing in Action,' or as we call it 'Missing in Acting.' Saying you're a worse actor than Chuck Norris is really saying something, and that is a Chuck Norris fact. But back to Dane. He had, what, four lines? Terrible. And when you're a costar of Andy Milonakis, who is the very embodiment of the absence of talent, you'd better have more lines than him. Add professional stereotype actor-turned-'I Love the 80s' interviewee Luis Guzman, fellow terrible actor and bad script enthusiast Ryan Reynolds, and a screenplay that Eli Roth wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole and you've got a recipe for an awful movie like likes of which we haven't seen since 'Torque.' Oh, Dane was in that too? Hmm... How about 'Stuck on You'? 'Mystery Men'? 'Mr. 3000'? Oh man is he a bad actor.

Dane's Platinum Grillz and Ugly Schtik

But you don't love Dane because of his over-acting in his movies and terrible choices for roles. You love his Dane Cook's over-acting on his stand-up specials and his terrible overuse of the same goddamn material he uses all the fucking time and never changes. Dane's latest album 'Retaliation' has gone platinum. Do you realize what that means? People? People? It means more than a million people have actually gone out of their houses and bought a CD with their hard earned money containing one joke. One singular joke, repeated over and over again with slightly different bad impressions, safe material, tired pop culture references, and barely understandable outbursts of random thought and drunken stumbling. Honestly, read through a transcript of one of his shows. It reads like a Jack Torrence novel; boring and repetitive. I'll admit, it's a damn funny joke much of the time, but come on. People paid 14.99 for that. You people sicken me. By 'safe' I don't mean childproof and toothless, because obviously Dane does jokes on sex and alcohol. In fact, that's all he does, is bits on sex and alcohol. Those bits are 'safe' because he knows that no matter what he puts in those bits he will always get a laugh because of the audience who are planning on having drunken sex later. And speaking of the audience...

The Dane Cook Fan Club

...is made up entirely of 18-22 year old college students who haven't been exposed to actual good stand-up comedy. That means you, guy reading this in your dorm room. I know Dane constantly masturbates your ego by telling you that 'his fans are the greatest' as if people who like his brand of Cromagnon-esque poop jokes and disconnected ADHD driven thoughts are somehow superior to those of us who prefer actual quality and creativity from our comics. And not hilariously good disconnected ADHD driven thoughts like Daniel Tosh, either. Bad, with ridiculous premises that insult the audience's ability to think for themselves. Instead of really good stand up, these drunk sorority pledges and neo-hippie potheads prefer the dulcet tones of Dane's snake impression. Or is it his alien impression? I lose track. It all runs together after a while. 'Who cares, so long as he takes his shirt off on stage,' screams the sexually frustrated overweight girl in the third row with a pink cowboy hat. Who cares? I do, people. I care because I'm looking out for you. You need to get creative sometime very, very soon or else you'll continue following in the path of of other popular high energy shock comedians like Sam Kinneson and Andrew Dice Clay. You want good stand up, all you Cook-ies? How about a guy who was really popular not even one year ago. Remember Mitch Hedberg? Remember him? He was a great stand up comedian and college students liked him. He had original material and didn't have to resort to stammering and stumbling on stage to get a laugh or need to rip his shirt off as a crutch to get a reaction from his audience. He got creative and funny the old fashioned way: heroin.

I don't want to dislike Dane Cook, folks. I don't, but he makes it so hard to like him. I will like Dane so much better when he does a few things:

1. Try being in movies with better material occasionally. By the looks of his newest movie, it doesn't look like that's going to happen.

2. Stop catering to the lowest common denominator by telling drunken stories and shouting obcenities. Try writing material next time.

3. Write a joke with a punch line other than an just impression of someone throwing up or dying. Again, try writing material next time.

Let the backlash begin.

Get Your Comedy On: Writing

Your Horrible People are back in school starting spring quater at OU. That's less a fact and more an excuse for why nothing ever gets written here. The good news is we'll try getting more updates in between some exciting projects we are attempting. And we'll get to post about the failures of those attempted projects. It's a win-win situation really.

Something that has been consistent for us currently is getting on stage and working on our stand up. All three of us we'll be going in another half hour block this friday starting at 10:30. Now, for all you out of state readers, you have enough time to set travel plans and head to the Ohio University Baker center where you can watch a free open mic show presented by your favorite blog writers.

However, this post isn't about our show, and by saying that I'm trying to make up for the shameless plug. This is about stand up comedy. It's catching on again and up-and-comers everywhere are getting their brick walls ready. I predict a stand up boom much like in the 80's except with tolerable fashion and far less coke. Because meth is where it's at now.

So for those unsure on how to start their own routine to present for drunks and the uninterested I am here to dispense some advice in order to help you avoid public humiliation. Stand up is interesting since it is one of the only fields where you will attempt to entertain a harsh and merciless wall of humanity that sits in judgement of your every action. If deemed unfunny the mass will tear you apart through piercing stares and frigid silence. But if you enjoy it you will keep going back. Because stand up comedy loves you, it's just got a funny way of showing it. You know it didn't mean to hit you, it only gets that way when it drinks. So hide that black eye with sunglasses and cover that fat lip with another coat of lipstick because you and stand up comedy are going to Sizzler for a makeup date. And you better let it get to second base.

This is a large topic that I will break down into segments and present over time. Today we will focus on writing material. A comedian is only as funny as the material he is working with, which is why even top paid comedians suck since their acts revolve around the word "beaner" or a half assed catch phrase like "Git-R-Done" which is used to bail out of a shit punchline. You need to stay focused and bring something original to the table. Everyone now knows what the deal with airplane food is. Tired observations on the same topics are never enjoyable. When thinking about something that can be funny make sure it isn't an idea some jock asshole could have said. It's not worth to present on stage if Joe Nobody could make the same comment off the top of his head.

To illustrate the point we will make some jokes and break them down together. I want to make sure everyone keeps up so I will use the easily understood structure of lightbulb jokes. Here we'll analyze what makes them good and bad. Also we'll use these since it's better than putting material of mine up that can be harshly judged.

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake the ladder and one to sue the ladder company.

Pros: A classic joke with the target of lawyers. Makes sweeping generalization about lawyers having immoral nature.
Cons: This can be found on a popsicle stick.

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they'd rather sit in the dark and cry.

Pros: Emo sucks and this helps reinforce that fact. Insults their favorite activity, showing why they're pussies.
Cons: The only target that could be easier than Emo kids is retards.

How many retards does it take to screw in a ligthbuld?
One.

Pros: Simplicity of answer reveals listener to the fact that they regard retards as subhuman and incapable of a task as easy as screwing in a ligthbulb.
Cons: No one is prepared to face such dark truths about themselves.

How many Christians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, Jesus said "I am the light of the world" therefore by using a seperate source of illumination they are not maintaining faith and disgracing the son of God.

Pros: Christians are goofy.
Cons: Way to literal.

How many Vietnam Veterans does it take to screw in a ligth bulb?
You wouldn't know man, you weren't there!

Pros: Plays with structure of lightbulb joke.
Cons: Stereotypes veterans as being emotinally disturbed which could get you killed if the listener has a flashback and thinks you're charlie.

How many porn stars does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they screw in front of a camera.

Pros: Gets me thinking about porn stars.
Cons: Pun.

How many Schrodinger's cats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One and none, simultaneously!

Pros: A ridiculous reference.
Cons: requires a Google search to understand.

How many Ohio University students does it take to chang a lightbulb?
Three, one to chang it and two others to try and turn the broken bulb into a bong.

Pros: College kids like pot humor. OU is filled with hippies.
Cons: It's depressing because it's true.

There are many other examples of this classic joke to get you started. Let me also mention that you should never make a lightbulb joke on stage or in public, ever. This was merely an exercise to see what's funny and not funny with certain jokes. When developing your own material it's best to read it out loud, and for the love of god decide if it's funny or not in the privacy of your own home. Don't just have a wacky set up or a half assed punchline. A little preperation can go a long way in making a successful act.

Oh and how many kids with ADD does it take to finish a lightbulb joke?

Juice!

Come on, Barry. Who are you fooling? Just come out and say it. We all know you do it. It's okay, we want you to. We won't admit it, but the truth is that you and your fellow 'users' have saved baseball. Remember the early nineties, when baseball nearly died from a strike shortened season? You remember? Of course you do, you were there. All the fans left. What brought 'em back? The long ball, that's what. You and your buddies Mark and Sammy and Jose and all the rest, you brought America's past time back from the brink. Not Jose so much, but you other three.

We just want you to come out and say how you did it. You think we didn't notice your conspicuously gigantic head? Or the Incredible Hulk-like proportions you took on in a few months? Or the raisenettes you call testicles? We all know how, just come out and tell us. Get on '60 Minutes' and do it. Mike Wallace will ask you if you have something to say to America, and you'll come on screen with a bag of syringes. Maybe Mickey Rooney can help you shoot up on national TV. Not do it himself, but hold the rubber hose you use to fill the vein.

Just say it, Barry. Just say you did it.

Say you used Gatorade when you were on Powerade's payroll.