Reuben tells you why your Favorite Music sucks, Part III: Panic! at the Disco

I really didn't think that it could be possible that I dislike a band more than My Chemical Romance. Truly, I didn't. But imagine my shock when I came to the realization that I dislike MCR less than another band on this planet. That would be like finding out that I hate a vegetable more than I hate brussel sprouts, or that I would prefer to listen to Mencia than to some other comedian. I shudder at the thought. But somehow, some way, I have found a group of people that call themselves musicians and record the noises that they make with thier instruments that I find to be more unpleasant than any of that: Panic! at the Disco. Let me tell you why:

1. I Write Long Ass Song Titles Not Tragedies

Is it really necessary to have a sentence for a song title? Why can't you just call the song 'Tragedy' or something like that? There's really no need for this. And it's not just one song either. 'London Beckoned Songs About Money Written By Machines' has 8 words in it right there. 'Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off,' that one has 14. 'There's A Good Reason These Tables Are Numbered Honey, You Just Haven't Thought Of It Yet.' Jesus Christ, 16. Some songs are shorter than that. Also, most of the song titles are non-sequitors and have nothing to do with the songs themselves. At least that's what I assume, seeing as I've never had the patience nor the musical fortitude to sit through an entire P!atD song, but I imagine that every one of thier songs boils down to 'I'm so sad about (fill in the blank), why can my pain be stopped.' That has nothing to do with writing anything, let alone sins or tragedies. That really grinds my gears.

2. Blatant! Misuse of Punctuation

What the hell is that? An exclamation point in the middle of the sentence? What the fuck? I guess it's supposed to be a clever twist on... I don't know, I think they just thought it looked cool. What if I went around putting punctuation in the middle= of my fucking sentences? You would think that/ I was retarded. Not the high functioning retarded either, more like Rain Man but without the being good at math.

3. The Only Difference Between Panic! and Suicide is I Haven't Killed Myself Yet

The music is bad, but honestly, how terrible are these lyrics? Something about trophy wives I think in one of those songs. One about praying for a lap dance, too, which is odd because I'm pretty sure they are all homosexual. Not that there's anything wrong with that; it's just ironic to me. I couldn't make out a lot of the lyrics. Once again, my ears just couldn't take the onslaught of awful attempts at deep lyrics combined with the complete lack of musical talent. Plus the lead singer warbles instead of pronouncing his words correctly. Very distracting.

4. Disco Sucks

This is not an opinion, it is a commonly accepted fact. I addressed this in an earlier post, and made the point that the only redeeming part about disco was that you could dance to it. Why would you name your band after such a terrible movement in music? A musical movement that was more concerned with appearances than musical talent or depth. A movement with completely incomprehensible lyrics. A movement with singers whose voices were so mangled and tweaked that a translator would have trouble understanding them. Actually, you know what? Now that I think about it, it's a perfect fit.

Except that you can't even dance to Panic.

My Very Excited Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas

It's a montra that second through fifth graders countrywide know like the back of thier own Trapper Keepers. Even before I learned to pick up a spork in the combination caferteria/gymnasium/auditorium at my old elementary school I learned that there were nine planets in our solar system. It has been a standard I have lived by without question for the past decade or so of my life, but now that truth that I believed to be absolute has turned out to be not so, for Pluto has been officially demoted to... dwarf planet.

The International Astronomical Union (or 'geeks' for short) banished Pluto from the solar system in August. The argument, they say, against Pluto's planetness is that if Pluto is allowed to be a planet then three other large astronomical balls of mass, namely Charon, Ceres, and 2003 UBI 313, that revolve around the Sun would have to be included as well, making a grand total of 12 planets. Rather than admit these new guys into the club the IAU made the decision to kick Pluto out.

But fear not, for your little cousin's cardboard and coat hanger mobile may be saved yet. A handful of websites and organizations have come to Pluto's aid. T-shirts saying things like 'Anything Charon can do Pluto can do better' or 'Pluto does it with an Elliptical Radius' have popped up on the net. Check out this little gem of a bumper sticker from the good people at Cafe Press:



Awesome. I'm putting that on my Saturn.

Alas, this valiant effort to readmit Pluto may be a lost cause. Sadly, with the IAU making this decision it may become a cold reality that My Very Excited Mother Just Served Us...

Nothing.