Halloween Recap '06

Good game out there, guys.

Another successful Halloween night in Athens. This year may not have had the sheer volume of really good costumes we had last year, but we made up for it in the quality of costumes and the fact that it wasn't 18 degrees and snowing this year. I'll take 40 and (relatively) dry with 25 mph winds over that shit anyday. Also, my friends Jules and Nick came in this weekend from Columbus. This was thier first Athens Halloween and blah blah blah, we'll skip the pleasentries and go right to the good stuff:

So Friday night we're walking down Court and we see a guy taking a piss in front of a dumpster in an alleyway. Now, most people would take the extra ten steps to go behind the dumpster, but not this guy. He'd been drinking since Tuesday and he really needed to drain his fluids. We stop to take a gander (I mean, bodily functions are entertaining) and start to leave when a cop walks up. He sees the guy in the alley and walks up behind him, flashlight in hand, pretty much tries to put a rear naked choke on the guy. But drunkie is having none of it; he turns slightly, looks his sure-fire misdemeanor booking right in the face and then elbows the cop right in his grill. Right in the cop's fucking face. It was pretty glorious.

But that's not all. Oh, no. Drunkie then proceeds to sprint into oncoming traffic (as much as he can sprint, what with the BAC and the not yet zipped pants falling down). I think the single most athletic thing I saw all weekend was that guy narrowly avoid becoming road kill by deftly hurdling Barry Sanders style to avoid the minivan in the left lane as he disappeared into the night. He obviously thought it through: public drunkeness and urination charges: night or two in jail and a fine. Added charges assaulting an officer and escaping arrest (and you could tack on a jaywalking charge there too) adds up to a roommate named Earl who likes the way your lips move when you talk.

Moving on to Saturday night. Though the streets were packed as always, this year there was something extra in the air. Maybe it was the holiday spirit. Maybe it was the fact that the Girls Gone Wild bus was in town. Maybe it was all the pot smoke in the air. Who knows. All I know is it was a different kind of Halloween.

A quick list of my favorite costumes:

Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots
hot Ninja Turles
Bernie from Weekend at Bernie's
contestants from Nickelodeon GUTS
hot girl scout troop
dead celebrities (John Lennon, Steve Irwin, etc.)
Greased-Up Deaf Guy
hot firewomen
plastic Army men
Beaker from Muppets
hot Navy women

I'll think of more later as I remember then. Copious amounts of alcohol and the contact high you get once you enter Athens County, you know. This list, of course, is not complete without the costumes of the people I know and love, such as a nearly complete character set from Alice in Wonderland from Miller Time, Jay Runner, Amy, Zach and many others, including such notables as Tweedledee, Tweedledum, the Mad Hatter, Alice, and the Cheshire Cat (and a hot one at that). Mike went as Li'l Mac of Punch Out fame, and Rachel went as what must be the shortest Flamingo ever. Nick's Joker was right off the pages of the comics and Julian standing out front of Goodfella's pizza as an Italian mobster was awesome, though he got confused with Tom Cruise's character from Collateral a lot.

Most worn costumes of '06? Well, Quail-Man made a good comeback and members of the clergy had a strong showing as well, some with childlike dolls attatcked to nether regions. Pun costumes such as the sex machine or chick magnet also were prevalent, but the most popular was all manner of superhero. Lots of Batman/woman (for Nick to, erm, joke with), Superman/woman, X-men of various types, Hulk, the aforementioned Quail-man and the Ambiguously Gay Duo were high on the repeated list, though Wonder Woman and Green Lantern were oddly absent. Those seemed like good ones to me. One of the Wolverines was fucking tight, but the rest seemed to have just pieced thier shit together. At least I knew we were safe with all of the super human capability around. Also, a shit-ton of Jim Tressels were around. Hey, at least nobody went as The Black Parade. I might have had to kill someone.

Wosrt costume? As much as I hate the referees, Teddy Ginns, Flavor Flavs and every other played out piece of crap like that, I have to say that the worst had to have been this nondescript cardboard box creature thing that we saw. I had no idea what it was. It was a strange mixture of Reptar and a Battlebot, but with a huge fiddler crab claw thing. Plus, it was unpainted and undecorated. Lazy bastard.

Best costume? I gotta give this one to myself. Under normal circumstances this might be percieved as narcissistic, but I feel that if the voting were left up to the good citizens of this blog that they would agree that an Optimus Prime that actually transforms into the semi-tractor trailer would win as well. How can you compete with a Transformer that really transforms? You can't. It's not possible. You know how you compete with that? You start to fight but then one of the many referees has to stop the slaughter because Optimus fucking Prime beat your ass into submission. That's how that happens.

While you lick your woulds from tripping over the flippers on your Scuba Steve costume and recover from your hangover that you got from ungodly amounts of Nati Ice and SoCo, remember that it's only 364 more days to next Halloween. A few thoughts on possible costumes for next year:

Statler and Waldorf
Buddha
hot construction worker
The Monarch from Venture Bros.
anybody from Never Ending Story
Olmec
hot leprechauns
Captain Morgan
hot Captain Morgan

Let me tell ya, nothing turns me on more that a hot pirate standing on a barrel asking if I want a little captain in me. The logistics of her getting a little captain in me as opposed to the other way around fail me at this time, but who cares? Nothing says Halloween quite like hot fake-bearded college pirate women.

That's pretty much all I got for this year. Score one for the good guys on this Halloween and see you all next year.

Die-Hard Fans

Many baseball fans say that they would die for thier team to win a championship. Now they can go out in style after they pass on.

Starting next year Major League Baseball will start selling caskets and urns donned with team logos for the deceased superfan. The urns will be unveiled Opening Day next year and caskets will be available sometime later in the 2007 season. The caskets and urns will read, "Major League Baseball officially recognizes (person's name) as a lifelong fan of (team)," and have the logo of thier team of choice. As of now the only teams available for this dubious honor are the A's, Mets, Dodgers, Phillies, Yankees, Red Sox, Cardinals, Tigers and Cubs. I imagine many Cubs fans would prefer not to wait and just be buried now.

The company hopes to eventually make all 30 teams available as well as to make similar agreements with NASCAR and the NFL. No news yet on whether I can be buried in a Columbus Crew casket.

Over one thousand, yes that number is correct, inquiries have been made thus far about interest in the containers. You can get information yourself about, dare I say, caksetball (shabam!) on thier website at www.eternalimage.com or call them on thier toll-free number at, this is not a joke, 1-888-6-CASKET. I guess the 2- through 5-CASKET was taken.

It may seem ridiculous, but if the saying is true that God is a Yankees fan then it might not be a bad idea to go out with a little piece of the Bronx carrying you on your way out.

How to Have a Horrible Halloween

It's that time of year again. There's a brisk chill in the air, you've started to be able to see your breath, and that geeky kid who lives in the room down the hall has started to brag about the kick-ass Optimus Prime costume he's attempting to make out of cardboard and duct tape. This can only mean one thing, people: Halloween is this coming weekend.

With less than 168 hours until the festivities start here at Ohio University next Saturday night (I'll wait for you to do that math), it seems only appropriate that, as we did last year, we at Horrible People give out some helpful hints for our readers to survive this Halloween.

Horrible Hint #1: Avoid this year's Cliche Costume

Two years ago, the cliche costumes were Napoleon Dynamite, Johnny Damon and pimps. Last year, The King (of Burger King fame), Li'l Jon and referees were the most popular. Avoid getting caught in the costume du jour at all costs! Not only will you appear to be completely void of creativity, but you will look like a douche bag. Seriously, if every third person is a referee, you get tired of whistles. So what should you avoid dressing up as this year? Here's a few on the watch list:
Ted Ginn, Jr. - Mostly for people who live in Ohio to worry about. No easier costume on the planet, just a #7 OSU jersey and bam! Instant costume. Definetly a no-no within 250 miles of the Horseshoe.
Warcraft Characters - The online sensation and the hugely popular South Park episode based on the game combine to create a costume to be avoided. The difficulty of getting a 5 foot broadsword past security might hamper the popularity of this one, so try it at your own risk.
Anything having to do with Puns - Stay away from the First Class Male, Deviled Egg, One Nightstand, etc. I love puns as much as the next guy, but the next guy I see dressed as a ketchup bottle that says 'Hold Me' (hold the ketchup, get it?) I am going to have to shoot in the kneecap. The fact that Captain Morgan has been advertising such costumes means they'll be doubly popular this year. Stay far away from these ones.
Flavor Flav - Viking Helmet + Clock Necklace. Enough said.

Horrible Hint #2: The Buddy System

It's not just for the deep end of the pool anymore. When you wear a costume that matches with one other person or many others you've got costume gold. Mario and Luigi are always high on this list, but why not get creative? Abbot and Costello perhaps. Too old school? Maybe a knight and a nemesis dragon battling for a princess, or how about Neil Everett and Scott Van Pelt of SportsCenter stardom. Why not grab that black/white friend (whichever race you ain't) of yours and go as Bacardi and Cola? They get the job done! Any of these could work to your advantage. Plan with caution, however, because no one is going to care about just one of the kids from Kriss Kross.

Horrible Hint #3: Plan for the Weather

It's going to be cold. It always is. It might rain. It might snow. You might step in police horse shit. So be prepared for the worst. Remember, water doesn't just come from the sky on Halloween. It also comes from the red plastic cup in the form of Nati that the drunks are carrying around as well, and rest assured that you will get spilled on. Many times. So remeber: dress in layers underneath that Ninja Turtle shell, or better yet go as something that is accustomed for cold weather. How about Na-Na and Po-Po, the Ice Climbers? What, too gay? Dress for the weather even if you don't get the NES reference. Also, waterproofing your cardboard/paint/whatever else isn't that big of a deal if you want to look like what you're dressed as after it starts drizzling. A side note: this pretty much just goes for guys, as the women will be skantily clad no matter what thier costumes are. Hey, sexy Na-Na and Po-Po...

Well that's what I have for you this year, folks. Happy Halloween, and good trick or treating to you.

What's that you say? What am I going to be this Halloween? I'll give you a hint: Remember that geeky kid who lives down the hall?

America Turns 300... Million

Well done America, you've done it. And done it. And done it some more.

Because we Americans have done it so much, the US Census Bureau predicts that the United States will top the 300 million person milestone sometime on Tuesday, October 17th, 2006. What they don't know, however, is what race, religion, sexual orientation, or any other distinguishing characteristics the newest American might have. In fact, they don't even know if the landmark resident will be a newborn. It might be an illegal immigrant.

For those of you who question our government's ability to count to 300 million, the US Census people have a nifty little equation for you: on average, there is a baby born in the United States once every 7 seconds, an immigrant (legal or otherwise) enters the US once every 31 seconds and one person leaves thier mortal coil as an American citizen once every 13 seconds. My quick math skills tell me that's a net gain of 1 new resident every 11 seconds.

When the good ol' US of A hit the 200 million mark way back in 1967, 62 years after we set the 100 mil' mark in 1905, foreign born residents made up a measly %5 of the population. Since then, thanks in part to Mexico and Cuba being generally crappy places to live, that number has grown to %12. Put another way, immigrants and their children and grandchildren have accounted for more than half of the population increase in the United States since 1967, which makes sense because we've added another tenth of a billion in less than half the time it took us to get there the time previous, this time taking our reproductive organs only 39 years to add all those bundles of joy.

So we don't really know what that lucky 300 millionth resident's genetic makeup will be, but if I know anything about our government then I know this: when number 300 million sees the 400 millionth happy customer arrive (which the Census predicts will happen in 2040) at age 34, I'm sure that they'll be happy to have the war in Iran be nearly completed.

The YKK Conspiracy

There are many conspiracy theories out there, but some are especially juicy. The faking of the moon landing from a film studio. The assassination of JFK actually coming from the Grassy Knoll. The possibility that Joanie didn't really love Chachie. But one conspiracy theory has topped them all in interest and in mystery: the YKK conspiracy.

Okay, maybe the JFK thing is more important and blah blah blah, but this thing is cool nonetheless. I mean, why is it that every zipper has YKK written on them? You wanna know? Huh? Well then, gather round my children for the story of El Chupacabra. Oh, wrong story. Okay, then how about the story of why YKK is stamped on all the zippers.



Here's a bit of zipper history. The clasp locker, as it was then called, was invented in 1891 by Whitcomb L. Judson, who also won the prestigious 'Most Old-Timey Name Award' later that same year. The clasp locker was an assemblage of hooks and eyes that Judson thought would save people time (and sore backs) when fastening their shoes with one hand. Later, in 1913, Gideon Sundback of Sweden developed the predecessor of today's modern newfangled zipper that used metal teeth and patented it in 1917. Later, the B.F. Goodrich Company (that's right, the tire people) used the separable fastener in some rubber boots and came up with the name 'zipper' because the boots could be fastened with one hand (and because separable fasterner doesn't have pizzaz to it; you gotta sell it, people).

"Well, get to the point already, why is it YKK?" I'm getting to it. Founded in Japan in 1934 by Yoshida Tadao, Sanesu Shokai was a group of manufacturing companies. Headquartered in Nihonbashi, Japan, the company was renamed Yoshida Kogyo-sho in 1938 and once more renamed Yoshida Kogyo Kabushiki-kaisha in 1945. You didn't really need to know any of that; I just thought those were fun words to type. Sixty years later the company put a stop to all that tomfoolery and changed its name to the now easily recognizable (and not garbled mess of sounds) YKK Company in 1994. Today, YKK is still headquartered in Japan and is made up of 80 companies at 206 facilities in 52 countries.

Keep that in mind the next time your jeans are around your ankles and you're taking a dump. The zipper holds more secrets than just what's in your pants.

Dude, October Is So Gay

As you may or may not care, October is gay, lesbian, and transgender month. The Human Rights Campain (HRC) would have you believe that the reason you should care about gay rights is that sexual preference should have nothing to do with whether or not you have equal rights as a citizen and that there need not be any more said on the subject in order to gain support. Hippies. They know nothing about marketing. They think that just because they're supportive of a good cause they can get money. Well, there are plenty of good causes out there that get no money anyway, like the People for the Advancement of Bass Fishermen or the Scurvy Research Institute, while the AIDS and Cancer research groups get tons of money. Why? Celebrities. It's the bandwagon effect. "All the cool kids are giving thier money to help the crisis in Darfur, why aren't you?" When you have a poster child like Lance Armstrong shilling for your cause who isn't going to throw piles of cash at you? That's why I think that the HRC needs to have a poster child. Here are a few suggestions:

Sigfried and Roy
Pros: These two flaming piles of manmeat have been together (in the biblical sense, if you know what I'm saying) for a long time, proving that gay couples can be long lasting and productive in society. Thier magic act and stage show has brought joy to millions of old people and repressed businessmen vacationing in Vegas for what seems like forever. Also, they have a built in tagline: "Together we can make homophobia... Disappear!" Then a guy in overalls and a trucker hat would vanish from your television screen. I can see the 30 second spot in the Super Bowl already.
Cons: Thier thick yet indistinct European accents make me yearn for the days of the silent movie. In addition, the powerful pro-tiger lobby might be serious opposition if they were chosen as figureheads.

Sir Ian McKellen
Pros: Acclaimed Shakespearean actor, Sci-Fi movie icon, and wrinkly faced Englishman would not only provide the cause with domestic as well as international appeal (I mean, he was knighted) but also could kill bigots and Klansmen with the balls of iron and steel he made out of paperweights. Wait, he can't actually do that? Damn. Well, he's still a knight. That counts for something. Also, he's a fantastic actor and would definetly secure the Hollywood elite (as if they weren't pro-gay before)
Cons: He's a creepy old gay dude. Probably lures high schoolers into his house with promises of candy and video games. Gives me the willies.

George Takei
Pros: Most well known as Sulu from the original Star Trek, George was one of the first Asians to have a major role on network television and openly gay actors. Could tap into the traditionally stodgy Asian population as well as the traditionally secluded geek population, who usually prefer to stay cocooned in thier rooms and play WoW rather than join a cause.
Cons: Has wanted to blow William Shatner for 40 years. Also, people would pronounce his name wrong all the time (it's Tak-AY, not Tak-EYE).

Ellen Degeneres
Pros: Absurdly popular comedienne and daytime talk show host has universal appeal, from 16 year old lesbians to 55 year old lesbians. I imagine straight women like her too. Plus she's dating Porche de Rossi who is freakin' hot as balls, and everybody loved hot lesbian-actress-on-lesbian-comedienne action. Most importantly, everyone likes Ellen. Even if it's just a little bit.
Cons: Whereas men like hot lesbians (preferably in a baby pool filled with Jell-O), Ellen isn't what most men would call 'hot.' Also, once dated Anne Heche, which could hurt her street cred.

Hope this was some food for thought, HRC, and try to remember that the other 11 months aren't gay (but I think February is bi-curious).