Fun With Kidpix

So Runner made this H.P. logo and thought he could keep this little logo for himself on his other blog. I proved him wrong. Have a peek:

Nice, huh? Needs patching up before we start selling memorabelia, but it's good. Now I need to figure out how to get it up in the header permanantly. So be excited for that.

And the T-shirts.

Cheer Up, Emo Kid

I found this website the other day. http://www.fourfa.com/ It claims to be an introductory course in Emo. A little nice to the Emo culture in my opinion, but he's dealing in information, not warnings. The readers who stumble upon the site can find out for themselves the dangers of Emo culture. I did. Screw 'em.

I have been anti-Emo since the beginning. It has become my comedic bread and butter, and you can be sure this won't be the last time I discuss them. I’m an old school hater. I was pissed off at Emo back when it was called Goth. Remember that? Goth? Yea, those were the days. But that was when it wasn’t cool to be Emo. It was a geek making fun of a dweeb sort of situation. Now it’s become cool to be Emo. They play them on the radio, they get invited to Conan; you get the picture. Now it’s a geek making fun of a cool kid situation. And, My Chemical Romance, that’s not okay.

Sure, you still see the occasional Goth kid, smoking outside your local Jiffy-Lube during a coffee break or scoffing at a piece of artwork in a bay window of a head shop. Here’s a hint: if you ever want to pick up a Goth chick at a bar, just do the following:

1) Sit down at the barstool next to hers.
2) Order a Jack and Coke and a beer.
3) Wait until you catch her eye, and then casually turn away.
4) After a few seconds, say, “This place sucks.”

And you’re home free. Sex so creepy and dirty from Goth that you’re shitting bats in the morning.

Interestingly enough, they depressed adolescent disenfranchised youth movement has fragmented again. ‘Scene’ kids. You’ve seen them, I can guarantee it. It’s sort of what you’d expect the denizens of hell to look like. Most of them lurking (that’s a good way to describe the way they act) at Hot Topic or by the LPs in the corner of your local music shop or at clubs standing against the wall in groups like The Outsiders. Don’t be fooled by what they call themselves, it’s just trying to ‘escape being labeled by the man.’ Now the tight panted legions we know and hate are Goth/Emo/Scene.

I hate them all equally. If we’re for anything here at Horrible People, it’s for equality.

Maybe I’m suffering from, "These kids today, with the clothes and the hair," kind of syndrome. I am getting to be a fuddy-duddy at my ripe old age of 19. But maybe, just maybe, I’m right. Did you ever think about that, Emo kid? Did you ever think you’re over-reacting just a wee bit by slitting your throat or destroying your parent’s collection of Humel figurines because you got grounded for being home late from your Linkin Park concert? You don’t think so? Maybe you’re overstating your sheer disdain for your Mom and whoever is fucking your mom at the time (I don’t want to discriminate) because you’re a manipulative little piece of trash who is using the negotiating tactics of a 3-year-old to get what you want? I would have guessed that most depressed 12 to 17-year-olds came from Harlem or Darfur or Port-Au-Prince. Surely your parents aren’t still together and don’t have good well paying jobs, because then you might actually have a reason to be depressed. Oh, you’re a white suburban middle/high school student. My bad.

Life is good here. You have running water; you have at least one family member who isn’t dead, starving, or in prison; you go to a school with walls and desks. Cheer up, Emo kid. Better yet, shut up. Just shut the fuck up.

Top Blog Dominance!

I'll admit it, I want this to be the top rated blog. The site I originally started with friends as a place to write opinions on comedy and record ideas and jokes that could later be used in stand-up. It might be the kid in me that wishes his voice heard. Or maybe the megalomaniac in me that wishes his voice heard by force in a Big Brother style future in which I rule. Whatever the reason I now hope this site to have our humor and opinons sent out to as many web surfing strangers as possible.

So to get this site out I signed it up on Top Blogs listed under Humor. It's a place that rates your blog based off of hits. If you look to the side at the Humor Me! link it sends you there. We got some stiff competition on the humor page but normally find our way in the top ten. But there is a little more disparity in the overall standings.

When I check the overall standings to view how are humble page stacks up to the thousands of other blogs in all categories we aren't normally in the top ten. Or hundred for that matter. In fact we are beat out by pages updated far less frequently that have no original content. I'm going to give reviews to 3 of these blogs that continually best us and decide what it is that makes them so effective.

1. Diary Of a Porn Publisher
Far and away the reigning champ of Top Blogs. If I check it at any given time this site has over one hundred thousand hits. To put that in perspective we are normally hovering somewhere around 8. The page is updated frequently but has a little more of an eclectic mix than I originally expected. Yes, the author gives you a look into his life, which I can best describe as mundane. I don't know many porn publishers to compare with but I'd have to say he's probably the least exciting of them all. Normally discussing upcomming family plans or annoyances he faces when commuting its not the Hugh Hefner, glitz and glamor I was expecting, it pretty much reads like a middle class housewife's abandoned Xanga. Those boring diary posts are than followed by news. Actual articles, covering worlds affairs such as terrorist threats and domestic policy. Now if I want that I normally first consider The Guardian or CNN, but I guess a porn publisher run blog is a reasonable and trustworthy choice to be informing the public. After about 4 or 5 of these articles you come across Today's new adult galleries.

Today's read: Home Invasion 1- Housewife gets anal gang bang in her home by a black gangbang team. Oh and it also had this picture shown:












Boy, for a home invasion this 'housewife' sure appears eager. That's the problem with porn these days, just to unrealistic.

However if I am going to be anally gangbanged at least its by a gangbang team. Obviously these men are professionals and would have my best interests in mind during the home invasion. Other categories listed had these titles with descriptions included:

Bound and Pierced - black girl with pierced clit in chains
Anal Bead Bondage - female slave stimulated with vibrator
Blonde Head - pretty blonde with great tits give guy some head
Bar Stool Bondage - girl bound and gagged with nipples esposed
Blowjob Bazaar - collection of mostly interracial blow jobs

Ok...so apparently this particular publisher deals with bondage. And also loves using alliteration. Those gallery titles read like the lost fetish works of Dr. Seuss.

My Review: I can see why this site dominates. Stirring world opinions, introspective family life from a working man and brutal hardcore pornography. That's a winning mix. We don't stand a chance against such an opponent.

2. The Prudent Investor-Seeing too many bubbles
How in the fuck does this site stay in the top 50? Besides reading like my macroeconomics textbook it brings nothing to the table. As MillerTime already explained if you are looking for investing advice you get your ass to Mad Money with Jim Cramer. The author of this coma inducing drivel wouldn't last a second against that show. Although that's only because his head would be bitten off like the so many foam bulls that have been laid waste to by Cramer.

It's got the standard stock chart on the sidebar along with some pictures like these:












Wow producer price index graph! Holy shit, I just got an erection from that projected percentage growth!















This was the most colorful and exciting picture I found on the site, detailing retired investors. Makes me long for a home invasion anal gang bang.

The posts get plenty of comments and apparently the site is viewed as an actual market tool. I however, just think the site is run by an average tool. If he's such a successful investor why the hell does he have adds on the page that get him 50 cents for every 10,000 hits of online traffic? Though I bet he could draw up in a nifty chart how his site makes Horrible People his bitch in daily hits.

My Review: I'd rather gargle broken glass than read this blog. I can only assume it hooks desperate investors who think some fringe web page has the answers. Horrible People will have it's steel toed boot pressing down on the jugular of Prudent Investor any day now. And yes this site wears steel toed boots.

3. Shemale Blog- A transexuals sick sex life
Normally in the top 20 Overall, the biggest problem with this site is that it hasn't been updated since November 10th. How am I supposed to know what my favoirte tranny's are up to!? Run by 22 year old transexual Alexis she...or he...fuck I knew this would be a problem. "It" recounts activities of the week. Alexis normally starts innocent enough, apologizing for the lack of updates and mentioning whats been keeping her busy. Than the story degrades into the most depraved sex acts I've ever read or masterbated too. Just kidding, sort of...

Anyway I scrubbed my eyeballs with Ajax after visiting. I don't even want to think of the viruses I picked up from the site, which has a sidebar that links you to such places as Tranny Buttocks, Chicks have great Dicks, Sperm Suckers and Pissing Orgasmic Sex. What the Fuck.

My Review: This site features casual narrative style posts, videos and links. To bad all three of those features deal exclusively with shameless degenerate perverts performing ghastly acts on one another. Otherwise thumbs up from me and yes, I speak for everyone here at this site. Especially Hurricane who told me his need of trannys is only rivaled by his need for oxygen.

So there you have it. Just 3 of the blogs that handle there business and keep us on the bottom of the internet dogpile. What have I learned from this experience? That the web is filled with morally bankrupt individuals who I should detest instead of wishing to view my comedy. I've lost all faith in humanity and have never been more certain of the eventual Apocalypse that will wash this world clean of filth in a tidal wave of blood, churned from the dark hearts of the sinners that occupy it. And all because that investement site is so goddamned boring.

I can't even begin to imagine all the weirdos I've got reading the site now, since it will appear when searching for any of the awful content I've reviewed. Also don't forget to keep checking back and getting this blog to the top. That's more a threat than request. Still kidding, sort of...

Frequency Modulated

We’ve been trying to reach out to you people. Honest, we have. The fact is that it’s tough. The Horrible People that we are, we simply cannot reach the audience we desire with only this web log. Which brings me to my good news: I am happy to announce that Horrible People will soon be on the radio at acrn.com starting the third week of January 2006 (release date/time TBA). Soon we will be not simply words on a page, but words in your FACE!

Too much?

Anyway, I don’t claim to be the liberating force of free thought, just a harbinger of dirty jokes, angry rants, and stupid material. Plus music. What’s a college radio show without music? Boring, that’s what.

Which brings me to this: I have a problem with people who consider themselves saviors of the First Amendment (I have made that abundantly clear in an earlier post), most of whom are shameless self promoters (totally different from us). However, in this case I am talking about someone who really did have an impact on free speech in this country, the King of all Media (and King of Shameless Self Promotion), Howard Stern.

First off, let it be known that I don’t like The Howard Stern Show all that much. It’s kinda funny, but that’s it. It’s better than most of the other drec you’re likely to find on the radio at 7am, but being the most popular morning radio personality is like being the best player on the Kansas City Royals, or the least alcoholic of the Osbournes. The show ‘has its moments,’ enough said. But I admire him. There is no denying, however, the effect he had on the way things are said in this country. His fights with the FCC and Clear Channel are now the stuff of legend and lead to many changes in the way we use language in this country.

But before I unofficially canonize Stern, let us really look at what he was fighting for: Vulgar language, explicit content, vile and childish behavior on publicly owned airwaves. Let’s be honest here, not exactly the poster child for greatest American (though I know folks who would argue both sides of that argument).

So Howard Stern doesn’t have a daily talk show on traditional radio anymore. So what? It’s not like he’s gone straight to the unemployment line. Sirius satellite radio gave him a bazillion-dollar contract to be exclusively on their system. Not only that, but I believe he has his own channel. His own Channel! Don’t cry for Howard, he’ll live. And for those of you who wish to shell out the dough to buy the receiver to hear Stern’s voice, then more power to you. I’m sure the dick jokes and the comments about the cellulite and stretch marks on hopeful Scores girls are all the more clear in satellite form.

But really people, why buy the Siruis cow when you can get the Horrible People milk for free?

(shameless self promotion. remember, it's for your own good.)

SNL Does Something Funny

I know, it's absolutely shocking. Saturday Night Live has been a comedy wasteland for about the last 10 years. It is now almost completely irrelevant as skits only cover celebrity gossip or beat a recurring character to death. I felt the show hit an all time low when stand-up Dane Cook hosted last week. I knew it was going to most likely be the loudest 90 minutes in television history but I wanted to watch seeing as a comedian, especially one who is relatively unknown by the mainstream (although wildly popular with almost everyone in college), actually got the chance to host. It was dismal from the start. Dane did a stand-up routine that was his normal shtick, say things loud and use a lot of wacky body movements, which he wrapped up with a story on how he shot a cashew off his erection and into his mouth. Groundbreaking stuff. I used to find Dane pretty funny until I realized he's devoid of punchlines and never leaves safe, easy material. The show had a lot of one joke, dead end sketches which I lost interest in immediately. A pretty big waste.

However I have now seen signs of life in SNL once again. Yesterday Jack Black hosted where he was promoting King Kong. I've always been a fan and decided to watch his openning in which he had an original song about his movie that was funny but expected from half of Tenacious D. Nothing amazing, so with that I had remote in hand. When suddenly I saw something I hadn't witnessed at that hour on that channel for quite some time. Hilarious comedy.

Chris Parnell and Andy Samberg, who is a new cast member and most notably as one of the trio from The Lonely Island, had a digital short film titled 'Lazy Sunday'. It features Andy and Chris setting up plans to see the Chronicles of Narnia set to a hardcore rap song. I've now read that the decision to run the short wasn't made until about a half hour prior to the shows' airing but even Lorne Michaels, who has apparently grown numb to funny, allowed it to play. And it was the best desicision he could have made. Hopefully now he'll trust Jorma and Akiva, who write for the show, and Andy who acts, to create more brilliant work like you can see at TheLonelyIsland.com, which features there pilot for Awesometown and other shorts.











And if you want to see the video you can check it out here.

With the wide spread attention the video has gotten on the internet it will earn the Dudes a little more trust when management is deciding what sketches to use. And maybe, just maybe, quality comedy can return to SNL consistently once again.

Fall Into The Gap (And Flat On Your Face)

Gap Inc. Direct Management,

I formally resign from my position at The Gap Incorporated Direct on this date, December 16th, 2005. I have enjoyed my work experience with The Gap.

Best wishes and Happy Holidays.

Sincerely,

Reuben Bresler

As many Ohio University students do during the six week winter break afforded to us by the powers that be (yea, OU’s sweet), I got me one o’ them ‘seasonal’ jobs. The job I ended up getting was at the Gap Inc. Direct Warehouse in Obetz, Ohio, and is just as tedious and boring as it sounds. My buddy Nigel and I went into the group interview session pretty nervous. I mean, they had us fill out like 20 different forms. Once we were in the interview session though we knew this wasn’t a really choosy company. This group interview was for the people called back (as in the ones they chose to interview after the application process) and these folks were dumb. Like Forrest Gump dumb. My leftovers from dinner could probably beat most of them at checkers.


And they were sketchy, too. One of the guys at the interview regularly wore his red hair in a mohawk and wore Mushroomhead t-shirts. Many didn’t speak English very well, and that wasn’t just the large immigrant population of the plant (if you catch my drift). Many a homie wore clothes with Scarface and Godfather images. Plain white t-shirts down to the knees, Timberlands, say things like ‘Yo yo! Souf Sieeeede!*’ Etc. Most of you know the type. Other commonplace items at this cesspool included lots of the ‘ample’ black women who wore Apple Bottoms logos proudly or pink velour pants to accentuate their massive backsides. The managerial staff, easily located because they all wore the red Gap polos to show their authority (because nothing screams respect like a $9 cotton-blend T made in the United Arab Emirates), sauntered through the aisles like they owned the place. You get the idea.

*For those of you who don’t step outside except for the occasional Emo concert and read these blogs like it’s your life’s blood, that’s black-ese for south side, you dumb white mother fuckers.

On a side note, do you guys remember when what we now call ‘ghetto booty’ was just a ‘fat ass?’ When did that happen?

Anyway, let’s discuss another of our co-workers. Let’s call him Dave (since that’s his name). He looks like Paul Wall. We ate lunch with Dave and took coffee breaks with him, too. Nice guy. Scary as fuck. Know who he knows personally? The leader of the F and L Gang here in Columbus. That’s as in the 4th and Livingston Bloods. Know those shootings in south Columbus? Yea, that’s them. Scary as hell. He hangs out with him.

That’s not all, oh no. One day he told Nigel and me how to make homemade LSD/Acid. Chew up a piece of gum until all the flavor is out of it, then take an orange peel and put the gum in it, zip the peel in a Ziploc and put it on the roof for 5 days. Then take out the gum and chew it. As Dave says, ‘It’ll get you fucked up.’

Among the things I’ve learned from Dave: What an ‘8-ball’ is (3.5g of Coke), how much Coke costs ($50/g), how to snort Marijuana, how to make crack (which I forgot how), tips on drive-by shootings (be steady, be confidant, etc.), how much to ask for from a ‘chop shop’ for the car you stole (about $5000/car, depending on the make/model), how to give yourself a tattoo (with a guitar string, a bottle of Jack, and a lot of paper towels), and many other useful tips I would use in my everyday life if I weren’t planning on living through the next year. By the way, he’s 21. Yea. He’s got 3 kids and his wife is expecting today. Literally, today. Man, he’s ridiculous. But he was a cool guy. Pretty relaxed for a guy with ties to the Bloods and a wife with 3 kids.

By the way, he has no filter mechanism between his mouth and his brain. Like a dog’s brain and his tail has no filter, that’s him. No passive-aggressive bullshit, no holding back for feeling’s sake. At least I know what I’m saying before I say it; I typically just say it anyway. Not Dave. Here’s a taste:

He was talking to this gang leader that I alluded to earlier and asked him how much he makes a day. “About 15 grand on a bad day,” he replied. “No shit? Lemme see.” So this guy gets up, goes to his bedroom, pulls out a size 13 shoebox and opens it up to Dave. Nothing but rubber banded 20s, 50s, and 100s. Dave, after a moment of stunned silence, says the following, and I am not shitting you, he says this to not just a gang member, but the leader of a seriously violent gang:

“Man, if you weren’t my dude I’d try to rob you.”

Let that soak in for a moment.

Okay, now that you’ve recovered, I will continue. The guy says, “I can’t believe you just said that,” (which, strangely enough, was my response too). I’m surprised he’s still alive.

It was nice for a while. 30% off Banana Republic and Gap, 20% off at Old Navy employee discount. Pack boxes and bags with these ‘slouchy’ boots, ‘Henley’ shirts, and ‘tankinis.’ But 10 hours a day, 6am-4pm, Monday through Saturday gets annoying. To divert from the tedium I started taking longer breaks. Much longer breaks.

Yea, I quit that job today. I turned in that letter at the top to the front desk. I was getting fired today anyway though, I know this because my manager was looking for me, and she’s never done that before. They usually just let us run amok and do random jobs. I guess they don’t like it when you take hour and a half breaks when you should be taking twenties so I beat ‘em to the punch. I did enjoy it though, good experience.

I am never going back there again.

But I did keep my discount card. Guess what my family’s getting for Christmas.

Master Debater

I used one pun for the title and I already feel dirty. No matter how awful it is this pun is appropriate since this is in response to the painful, pun filled post written by Hurricane. In case there is some doubt let me sum it all up...

Puns are the lowest form of comedy.

No question about it. Fart jokes and slapstick are viewed as Shakespearean poetry when compared to puns. If bad comedy were AIDS than puns would be its lesions. There is a reason why adults groan when they hear puns and it's because anyone over the age of 4 is tired of them. Some words sound like other words, that's all there is to it. We are all forced to suffer because some people are unable to be bored with homonyms. Although a simple concept, puns can take on many insidious forms, all of which are cringe worthy.

Here is an example "Being in politics is just like playing golf, you are trapped in one bad lie after another." Here the pun is on the two different meanings of the word lie. Now these types of puns are very common and although not horribly offensive comedically, they are still unfunny.

Some are based off of spelling instead of sound. "What kind of instrument do fish love to play? A bass guitar!" Besides not making much sense because the word bass is pronounced differently when reffering to a fish or instrument, it is just an awful joke. But if I heard a third grader telling this joke I'd probably be able to resist crushing his skull with a cinder block. Older than that and restraint is not easily found.

Double-sound is a term used to describe puns where words that are similar but not identical are intentionally confused. This is where it starts getting real ugly. "What do you call an inverse chicken? Poultry!" The joke here is "poultry" sounds like "poetry" which fits since "inverse" is a play on the two words "in verse" which is where you find poetry. Not only stupid but it requires an explanation that you never asked for. Most people would rather have their hand slammed in a car door than sit through an explanation of a terrible pun.

Even worse still are puns off of common expressions or the extended pun, where several puns are crammed into a short story. I'm not placing those in my post since I feel I'll become less funny by association. Puns are not used by the most respected comedians. In fact I tried searching for any comedians that deal almost exclusively in puns and I don't think there has been an entertainer who has done so since the great depression. And they only got away with it since their audience were financially crippled and had already sold their kids into slavery so they could eat and were looking for anything to laugh at. Such a sad situation is the only excuse for a person to laugh at a pun. The closest thing I found to a comedian who deals in puns is the hilarious juggernaut Rosie O'Donnell.



















Kids are Punny, the book composed by Rosie during her time with that ghastly talk show. This is the best example I found of a performer relying on puns. As we all know Rosie hasn't made anything funny in the last 20 years, not counting Riding the Bus with My Sister which was hysterical but apparently was mislabeled as a Drama. Rosie wasn't playing the part of Bus as you'd guess, but Beth Simon a mentally handicapped woman that just can't cope to a mentally capable world. Laugh riot, I suggest you get it on DVD.

Even as terrible a comedian as Rosie is, if she can even be called that, she still made this book for kids with submissions by kids. This book of puns was never even meant for adult eyes. Maybe Susie Homemaker would thumb through it or read it to her children after soccer practice but even she would have to wash down a bottle of her child's ritalin with vodka to remove the memory of what she's done.

Puns are just that bad, plain and simple. I hope I could sway enough to the side of good. I believe Hurricane has some dark and evil motives behind his pun love, I've just yet to uncover them. Also do you know why he made eleven puns in his last post? The eleventh pun always gets a laugh, even if no pun in ten did.

I have to go shower and scrub myself like a rape victim now.

Cunning Linguists

As a comedian I take a lot guff (guff, I say!) from some of the other stand ups I know and am friends with. Oh, I dish out more than my share of sharp tongued quips too, but one of the areas I take the most guff is a topic hotly contested in the comedy community.

The subject of puns.

I am pro-pun, ever since the Roe-Salmon Supreme Court decision (pun count: 1). Many comedians, including one horrible person named Jay Runner, say that puns are not funny. That they are the lowest form of comedy. That every time a pun is made an angel gets AIDS. I disagree. I love puns.

My theory is that my Jewish roots led me to my appreciation of puns. Jews are God’s chosen people (or at least that’s what we tell ourselves), and everyone knows that God loves puns. Don’t’ look at me like that, I have documentation. For example, all of the championships leads me to believe that God’s a Yankees fan, so he began the Old Testament like any other baseball fan starts a big story: In the big inning… (pun count: 2).

An appreciation of puns is necessary in life. Normally no one would find certain news stories funny, but the story I heard recently about the electrician, once charged with battery (pun count: 3), died before being recharged (4). Reactions were both positive and negative (5).

Many people think puns are for the average folk, but think they’re just being mean (6). A pun is often considered obvious humor, since the person relating it is merely balancing the humor in it on a twist of a word's meaning or sound. Children love this type of obvious humor and can laugh at it without rapprochements. Adults on the other hand are more likely to have a twinge of envy, and ‘why didn't I think of that?’ It is this envy in adults that subconsciously causes them to groan upon hearing a pun. As time goes on, it can only be hoped that we adults will eventually learn to react more like a child and less like a groan-up (pun count: 7).

So Reuben, how can I be as flippin’ sweet as you are with puns? Well, I wouldn’t call my self the greatest, but I am pretty punny (pun count: 8). Here are the recommended ingredients: Quick setup, or pun-ctuality (9) is very important. Typically, proper names should not be used because the listener might not recognize the name, though if you have a name specifically designed for pun usage (like… Reuben) then feel free. But these are only in certain cases, so familiar references should usually be the sources of the humor to reach their full pun-tential (pun count: still 9, that one was kinda weak). Lastly, you should see the spark in the listeners' eyes as they ‘get it.’

I hope you found this enlightening. I will see you folks later. I have a Buddhist friend who just moved here and I’m helping him find a new dentist that will let him not take the pain killers. He’s trying to transcend dental medication (10).

(Also, the title of this blog entry is a pun too. Think about it for a moment, then turn the pun count up to 11. Oh yea, that’s was awesome.)

In Memory of Richard Pryor

Yesterday one of the greatest stand-up comedians of all time passed away. Richard Pryor, whose talent and ability is an inspiration to all aspiring comedians, died of a heart attack at age 65. I can still remember the first time I saw one of his specials, against my parents wishes which made it even cooler. I think back to how Pryor would strut back and forth on stage and speak in such a plain and confidant way that demanded attention. I also remember laughing so hard I was nearly in tears. I still listen to his routines and am in awe of how brilliant and grounbreaking he was. I speak for everyone here at Horrible People by saying Richard will be greatly missed.

Holiday gift ideas, the ones that don't suck

I sincerely hope that my last post gave those would be awful gift buyers a chance to think out their purchases and leave the terrible products on the shelves. However, the astute reader will realize they now only know what not to buy. Sure, that's half the battle but they are left with nothing, no bad gifts and no good ones either. Since I love my audience and there's nothing better to do when under house arrest I have decided to compile a list of breathtaking proportions. Below are the most stupendous gifts to get your friends this year. And by friends I mean people that aren't suited for the presents in any way, so in turn you can have the gift. Hell, these things aren't cheap and you should enjoy them. Cool gifts COMMINATCHA!!!

The Nuclear Globe:



















This makes me hate every gift my parents ever got me. Mostly because every gift was either Altoids or self-help books but still this Nuclear Globe is bad ass. Sportsstuff.com had a bunch or awesome things to help make your day out with your family, in your speed boat, on your private lake more enjoyable. I chose this since it doesn't require rich relatives to have a great time. Just find water, hop in and run like a hamster on meth. If you're lucky enough to have two globes and I guess a friend, although I've never seen the need for friendship until now, you both can have fun doing bumper battles. They show pictures of it on the water and on sand however they really were limiting the useage. I'd never leave the safety of my inflatable multi colored womb. I'd just roam the campus of OU through the safety and multicolored distortion that this toy brings. And nothing could stop me! Except for broken bottles, steep inclines, windy days, sharp edges, muddy ground or small doorways.

Who to buy for: Now remember this gift is awesome and you deserve it. It's best to pick out any friends who are long time smokers, the type already showing signs of emphysema or possibly any family member over eighty. Just someone who'd give up or pass out halfway through inflating the thing. After that use the pump it comes with to fill it up and roll away from your unconscious loved one.

Kenguru, the hot wheels for cripples:












Once I saw this vehicle for the handicapped I began drilling a dull steak knife into my spinal column. Than of course I realized that you dont have to be handicapped to use it, you just need to steal a wheelchair. That information would have come in handy back when I wasn't paralyzed on the left side of my body from a freak steak knife accident. Paralysis or not this is still one sweet ride for all my disabled friends out there. Finally, concrete proof that God truly never closes a door without opening a window. Assuming of course that you fell out that window and landed awkwardly on your neck so now you are confined to a wheelchair. This car almost makes it all seem worth it though. Legs shmegs, you're riding in style.

Who to buy for: Cripples already get all the attention so they don't really need a cool car to add to it. You want to give this car to either extreme, the jock who beats up the impaired because they show off by still functioning in a society that is designed for the capable or a completely imobilized memeber of society. The type that have to blow air into that little tube to move around. Make sure you stay cool with him after he passes on your gift though because he can really help by blowing up that Nuclear Globe for you since he gets to practice all day.

Feel Seating System








That's pretty much the coolest furniture I have ever seen in my life. This is a bed/chair/futon/molecular sofa. It's called Feel and is made by design company Animi Causa where a bunch of other awesome products can be found that I can't afford. This here is the cream of the crop though. Made of 120 soft spheres covered in an elastic fabric the structure can be rearranged to whatever you want. I'm just gonna cut to the chase and say that I have to fuck on that thing. I don't just want to, I have to. Furniture that versatile should come with a copy of the Kama Sutra. Not to mention it would look kickass anywhere. In my living room, my crappy dorm lounge or a disease ridden crack house scheduled for demolition. It pretty much makes whatever surrounds it the place to be. Although the residents of the crack house pretty much already consider it the place to be, at least now theyd have something comfy to do blow on.

Who to buy for: This is a toughy since this gift kicks so much ass. If you have a friend with a overwhelming fear of science and DNA models I'd say that's your first choice. If worse comes to worse you may be forced to kill the person you give this too if they decide to keep it. It's worth the sacrifice, spill blood for your new lord the Feel and dream murderous dreams while enveloped in its warmth. The Feel commands it, don't deny your God.

The Coolest of the Cool: Downs Dolls














Ok, yes, I know. I had this as one of the worst gifts you could possibly give to anyone. A doll with downs syndrome does sound odd and at first like a sick joke but I got to thinking, how much of my time do I spend laughing at the mentally handicapped and end up feeling nothing but guilt and shame. And also fatigue from laughing so damn hard. Well these little scamps offer the perfect solution because they're dolls. You now have the option of laughing yourself horse in the comfort and privacy of your own home. And the best part is you can still feel like you are a part of humanity. It's a win win situation really. Featured above is Christina and Mikael. I couldn't help but notice that Christina looks exactly like Thomas with brown hair and a tan. Mikael is from Eastern Europe and he says 'reading books is my enjoyment' because apparently proper grammar is not. Just be glad I didn't recommend the Chemo Friends and no, I am not making those up either.

Who to buy for: Just get one yourself you twisted fuck. Life's to short to not be laughing at the less fortunate.

A Final Tip:
No matter what you get for your family, friends and collegues this year you want to make sure they know how special you really think they are. These are the people that make your life worth living and you want to make sure the feeling is mutual. Here at Horrible People we have the perfect suggestion because even if the gift sucks they won't notice with...















The inventor of this product, who can only be the military sponsored genetic hybrid of Albert Einstein and Stephen Hawking, deserves a medal. Classy blue pin stripes on the outside and scantily clad ladies inside. Giving your crappy gifts that extra something. That something being gratuitous nudity. Mmm mmm, spread that holiday cheer.

Holiday gift ideas, the horrible way

Commercialism is now the foundation that the holiday season is built upon. This is because the original roots explaining why Christmas and Channuka were started is shrouded in mystery with millions left only to guess at their beginnings. And let's not forget about Kwanza, then again how can you forget about something you don't even consider in the first place? Whatever the terrifying or brutal mythology that birthed these insane celebrations no longer matters in the borders of the U.S.A., because capitalism has diluted the entire culture. Advertisers don't want a whole lotta beliefs and religion getting in the way because some people may get offended. And unhappy consumers don't buy shit, they just complain.

But enough with the history lesson, this is stuff they teach in grade school. Just wanted to make sure everyone is on the same page so the topic is understood. That topic being the dangers of buying the most horrible gifts imaginable. I don't think highly of the common populous. There could be readers out there this moment with every muscle soaked in egg nog and I am not trusting them with the clear judgement to reject a terrible present when they see it. I'm gonna break these down into simple categories with examples that best represent the awful and dangerous nature of those gifts. Let's get this party started.

Cool for the Kids; Cooler for Adults:
This is a dangerous trap where mostly parents of younger children fall prey. This is seen with gifts like an etch-a-sketch or socks, no clean up for adults and no fun for anybody. However, this warning is mostly for the kids to look out for because parents still buy these 'toys' since they benefit them and not their dependents. Since I know we have a huge 6-12 aged demographic reading this sit, thanks to all the e-mails Miller Time sends out soliciting, uh I mean, befriending youngsters, they need to listen up and exercise some grown-up awareness. What those kids need to ask themselves in this situation is "does this cool gift from my parents actually have a sinister plot behind it?". For the spastic, A.D.D. riddled youth I have an example with colorful pictures to hold their attention.












This is the IonKids tracking device from Bluespan. Except kids aren't told it's a tracking device, they are told its a 'way ultra-hip fun wristband'. What they dont know is if they wander to far the wrist tag will send the base unit an alert signal and then give directions leading to the child. Suddenly all your independent childhood experiences are gone. No running off with friends to play kickball, no hiding out in women's changing rooms peeking under stalls and no time with the super cool hairy neighbor that offers you candy and van rides. Parental paranoia equas zero fun for our nations tikes. If you receive this as a gift its best to wrap it around a hobos ankle and tell him you heard of a free liqour give away at the shelter across town. This device was so close to being cool too, if only it released a seizure inducing electrical shock when a child strolled off instead of a warning beep.

Add to the Cool:
Some companies just can't compete when trying to emulate the coolest gadgets and playthings. But how are they gonna make a dime off the latest trends if they don't feel like working at creating a superior product? Simple, make a shitty and useless accessory and push it on the public as the new 'it' item. Companies that design covers for cell phones and Ipods are the most prevalently seen, but I think with Old-Man Winter it wont be long before we're all warming up to this fun little gift.











It's the Iparka! The fun way to dress up your Ipod shuffle for the cold months. And I wonder if it comes with mini bags of crack rocks to deal out of these thug coats. Maybe my shuffle can get into a knife fight with a rival gang member or perhaps be seen in the background of a Mike Jones video. Or maybe I just wont shell out 60 dollars plus to play dress up with a fucking mp3 player. How bad must it feel working in a sweat shop for 3 cents an hour knowing that your growing arthritis and disdain for living is direcly caused by sewing the outerwear for yuppie dot commer's music players. I bet its not swell. Not swell at all.

Wacky, Cute and Fun:
Normally its stupid, creepy or unoriginal. You want a pet rock or more magic-eye calendars? Hell no, because they don't bleed awesome. Marketing for these cheap toys usually falls under the fad department. Its the latest greatest thing that everyone is getting. Furbies, Tickle me Elmo and Cabbage Patch kids are the leading contenders in this parade of awful toys that had the longevity of an American Idols career. I came across the hot, new and undeniably disturbing treat that's selling out in Sweden and soon to make headlines here. Pee and Poo!









Christ almighty, I wish I was making this up. Out of the toilet and into your child's arms and heart, these adorable plush toys of urine and feces will become a part of the family. These charmming and completely tasetful creatures just scream cute and your loved ones will find them irreverent and amusing. This is of course assuming your family is completely comfortable with human waste being looked at as not only a normality but something to be loved. Imagine your son, with his G.I. Joes and transformers having to face his giant yellow monster that is washing over. Or perhaps your baby girl, snuggling up with her mound of shit, holding it close to her chest as she lays down for bed and ever so gently places a soft kiss on the brown pile. I just threw up a little on my shirt. I hope we show a little more restraint then those monstrous Swedes but if you've ever watched some eastern european porn, and dont act like you haven't, you know they are quite comfortable with bodily feculence*.

Simply Awful:
Just the most ill-advised and least thought out gift imaginable. Think wool sweater with hot pink reindeer or maybe a Blue Collar TV DVD. Any gift that literally makes you love the person who gave it to you a little less. Something that makes the joy from your face slowly dissipate upon completion of tearing off the wrapping paper. Gifts that just make you question why you bother getting out of bed at all. There's only one gift I thought of for this case.





















Its a doll with downs syndrome. Yep. No joke here. Because it is hilarious on its own. From Downsyndromedolls.com these 'wonderfully unique' dolls tug at our heart strings and let's face facts, tickle our funny bone. I owned a 'My Buddy' doll as a kid and took him on bike rides and to tea parties. Dont judge me, me and Buddy were looking for pussy at those sissy get togethers. Now if I opened up a doll with special needs on Christmas morning I don't know if i could handle it. Are parents trying to give their kids some confidence by giving them a friend that they'll never feel inadequate too? Or are these dolls meant for those special children who need to be reminded of their disability by giving them a facsimile, right down to the sloping forehead and tongue lolling out. The site says this little guy's name is Thomas, 'let's meet in the park and ride bikes' he tells me on his page. I'd love to Thomas, but I'm afraid my parents don't allow the handicapped to go racing around on two wheels because they have extremely poor motor control. I also don't really feel the need to spend my Sunday afternoon cleaning the scrapes off a mental deffecient. Thats when the Browns are on CBS losing, I am afraid you'll have to be tied up to the water heater in the basement when the game is on.

So those were the bad and the ugly of holiday gifts. If you'd like to purchase any of these items they are all available online and you are obviously a complete moron who missed the point. Maybe you can buy a downs doll for yourself and accompany him with Poo and Pee as well as dressing up his hand with an Iparka and put kiddy tracking devices on everything. Better yet just wait for my next look at kick ass gifts to buy for people you know they'll be wrong for so you can use them yourself. Please enjoy the holidays.

*Horrible People 10 point Dare: Use the word feculence at your next dinner party! Don't let us down, and remember the reader with the most points at the end of the year wins!

If I Were...A Fetus

I would be a developing organism exsisting after the embryonic stage but have yet to reach birth. My lungs would not be in use and I would gain oxygen and nutrients from my mother through the placenta and umbilical cord. Id float within my mother's womb as the majority of structures began to form and grow.

I would not, I repeat, I would not have the ability to comprehend or speak english, have access to any man made items or lecture to an audience. If I were a fetus I would basically be the opposite of Umbert the Unborn, a pro-life comic strip that has about as much science fact in it as a Looney Toons episode. Hey, lets take a gander.




















If I were a fetus I would not have access to a phone that appears out of the walls of the uterus nor have the ability to make a shitty pun. Id also be unaware to anything being said since my ears would be undeveloped and surrounded by amniotic fluid. Not that it matters since I am incapable of thought. I wonder if Umbert also knows his mother is washing down that peanut butter and tuna with the cheapest malt liquor she could find? I guess he isn't that smart.




















If I were a fetus I would not have a cute sense of irony equating people's feelings of abortion to the thought of clubbing seals. I would not have expressive eyebrows and surprisingly enough would be completely unable to play dress up as a baby harp seal after receiving the costume in a box which I can only assume was forcibly shoved up my mother's cooch by UPS.

If I were a fetus I wouldn't be anything like Umbert, a painfully awful comic presented by Catholic.net. It's nice to see Umbert's obviously adorable white Anglo-Saxon appearence and wacky adventures, where he is aware of everything around him except for the fact he's already been brainwashed and become a mouth peice for religious conservatives and will be forced to attend a church that has been marked with rampant child molestation, with many cases still remaining unresolved. You may know a lot for a fetus Umbert but its nothing compared to what you are going to learn.

(As a Horrible People exclusive we have received the latest and final Umbert the Unborn comic from the creator Gary Cangemi. He tells us this is a rough, semi-colored version since its just been inked but he couldn't wait to share the finale of his classic prenatal character. Check out the Horrible Umbert Strip!)

Beat The Draught

Yes it is, picture I found on the internet.

As a student at Ohio University I have learned many things, most of which pertaining to the subject of alcohol. Liquor before beer, never fear; beer before liquor, vomit quicker. Beer pong is a game of agility, whereas flip cup is a game of the mind. Beer + Weed = 'The Spins' (unless you do it the right way, then it’s totally sweet). But this past quarter, I found myself staring down a strange reality:

I hadn't gotten drunk the whole quarter.

True, this wouldn't be that odd of an occurrence had I gone to, say, Muskingum or Capital. But I go to Ohio University, #2 in the nation according to the Princeton Review of party schools, and most students say that they won't stop 'til we're #1 (so watch your backs, Wisconsin). I had gone to parties on occasion, I had attended the infamous Halloween celebrations, but nay, I hadn't been drunk.

Let me clarify that previous statement; I had gotten drunk enough to be not legally able to drive many times over the course of the quarter, but at O.U. that is not enough to be drunk. We prefer to be so drunk that a simple staircase is the equivalent of The Crag from the classic Nickelodeon show 'Guts.' The English language ceases to be a communication tool, as the mouth no longer acts as a means for imbibing food for survival and transforms into a vessel used solely for alcoholic fluids, Hungry Howie's, and male genitalia.

[Side note: 'Guts' and the show that came on right after it 'Legends of the Hidden Temple' were both awesome. If you haven’t seen them you missed some of the coolest television programming in history. Therefore, in remembrance of my homies, I am going to pour out a little bit of this bottle of alcohol in memoriam. Stay strong.]

So anyway, I was surprised that I had not gotten all that drunk. Sure, I was busy with school and I played a lot of poker, plus I spent a lot of time with comedy, but could that be all? Mostly I was just drinking to get a little bit buzzed and then stop. Then I remembered... Of course! It's so obvious now! The anti-drinking commercials O.U. made to combat the rampant drinking on campus!

For those of you not in the know, the university started their 'Stop at the Buzz' campaign over a year ago. They held a contest for students to create an anti-drinking commercial with the winner receiving $500, or enough money to be drunk for about 8-9 days. I can only imagine the incredibly poor quality of the losing videos of this contest, because the winning ones were just awful. Anyway, I thought about making one, but in the end I decided it was much more important to watch the last few minutes of whatever show I was watching. I obviously have a much higher appreciation for the commercials now, as they have stopped me from soiling my body with undue portions of beer and liquor. It is with this newfound respect for the art of university-sanctioned anti-drinking student-made commercial that I present my idea for a new one. It is entitled 'Beat the Draught.'

It starts out with a black screen with the words, 'Sometime in the Near Future...' With the voice over person saying the same thing as what is on the screen. Then, it fades to a video of President Bush saying, "Today, I have passed a Congress approved resolution to reinstate the Draught." This is followed by shots of a line of enlistees getting their uniforms, which are green camo, and their implements, which include a beer bong and a stack of plain red Dixie cups. After a few moments scanning the line from different angles we see a man sneaking away from the line, followed quickly by the military police hot on his tail. A chase ensues, and he hides in a back alley as the police pass. Then a man in a white van pulls up next to him. "Want to get out of this place?" "Yes!" He replies, and he hops into the back of the van that already has a few other people in it. The last scene follows the van for a few seconds and stops to pan over to a street sign that reads 'To Canada' with the voice over saying, "Remember, don’t let them pressure you. You can… Beat the Draught," and the words 'Beat the Draught' pop up on the screen.

Of course Bush probably won’t be that pleased should he see the commercial but he could never stop at the buzz anyway.