The History of the Curse Words, II: Flippin' the Bird

I mean come on. Who doesn't love to give some unsuspecting asshole the middle finger every once and a while? Someone cuts you off, makes fun of your hair, disrespects yo momma, whatever. When words just cannot suffice, nothing fills the angry void in your soul quite like strongly and defiantly holding up that middle finger in the direction of some poor sap who wronged you. That's right, buddy, take a good long look at that shit.

But why do we do it? As we might ask on the Jewish holiday of Passover, 'what makes this finger different from all other fingers?'

I'm glad you asked.

Legend has it the 'middle finger salute' was first used at the Battle of Agincourt. Since I know that a significant percentage of the Horrible People fan base is made up of English war history oficionados, you would know that particular battle is considered Henry V's crowning acheivement in his part of the Hundred Years War, defeating the Charles VI and his French. Wonder why Olmec never brought this story up on Legends of the Hidden Temple...

Anyway, the battle was notable because the English army was made up of far more longbowmen than were used in average battles. In fact, the majority of the English forces were longbowmen. 'How does one use a longbow,' you might ask? Well, you use your middle finger to pluck at the string, typically horsehair, while holding the actual bow with the other hand, most often made out of the wood of the yew tree.

As in any battle, forces were captured by both sides. The French knew that many English used the longbow proficiently and so those captured by the French had thier middle fingers chopped off. That's right, not broken, not cut, they chopped them O-F-F off. So if ransomed they would be unable to be used as archers ever again. Ouch.

The battle was a rousing success for the English, ending in the outflanking and eventual surrender of the French forces. Those longbowmen remaining at the end of the battle held thier middle fingers aloft, shouting 'I can still pluck yew!' This, of course, referencing the ability to still fire a bow with the correct finger.

Again, a transliteration error leads to a curse word. 'Pluck yew' lead to 'Fuck you.' The rest is history.

But is it true?

Of course not. It's so implausable it's not even funny. Would the English even pay the ransom to get damaged goods? Wouldn't the French have just killed the prisoners if they wanted them out of commission? If the English had so many longbowmen then would the loss of just a few dozen archers be important at all? And lastly, wouldn't the English have shouted to the French, 'Hey you ugly pig-dogs, I can still pluck... horsehair!' instead, seeing as you don't pluck the yew part of the bow? The answer to all of these is yes.

But is this story better? Fuck yea it is.

Dear Mrs. Cooper: A (Possibly) True Story

The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Dear Mrs. Cooper,

Over the past several months your husband has been causing many problems for our staff. Though you may be unaware of his activity, as you were likely in the changing rooms, we cannot tolerate his behavior any longer and we have decided to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Cooper are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

September 14: Moved a "CAUTION: WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "Pick me! Pick me!"

December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "Oh no! It's the voices again!"

December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There's no toilet paper in here!"

Regards,

The Management

The History of the Curse Words, I: The 'F' Bomb

Horrible People is back from winter break. Let's get right to it:

Fuck.

It's odd, seeing it written, isn't it? Just sitting there. We say it all the time but we rarely solidify it with ink and paper. In fact, it didn't appear in the Oxford Dictionary until 1972. Fuckin' weird. But it's use was widespread long before that such as in the 1928 novel "Lady Chatterley's Lover" by D. H. Lawrence or the 1938 Louis Armstrong "Ol' Man Mose."

But where did it come from? Well, let's find the fuck out.

Legend has is that the word 'fuck' came from Irish law. If a couple were caught committing adultery they would be punished "For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge In the Nude," with "FUCKIN" written on the stockades above them to denote the crime.

Other explanations for fuck as an acronym:

"Fornication Under Carnal/Cardinal Knowledge"
"Fornication Under Consent of the King"
"Fornication Under the Christian King"
"False Use of Carnal Knowledge"
"Felonious Use of Carnal Knowledge"
"Felonious Unlawful Carnal Knowledge"
"Full-On Unlawful Carnal Knowledge"
"Found Under Carnal Knowledge"
"Forced Unlawful Carnal Knowledge" (a label supposedly applied to the crime of rape)

That's a lot of fucking.

But is it true? Probably not. The most likely origin is probably where most curse words and slurs come from: mistransliterations. In this case, from Latin to English.

The first known occurance of the word is in a coded poem titled "Flen Flyys." One line in the poem reads (when decoded), "non sunt in coeli, quia fvccant vvivys of heli," which means, "they are not in heaven because they fuck the wives of Ely." Ooooh, I'm pretty sure someone just got served just there.

The 'fvccant' is a fake Latin form, hence the need for the poem to be coded. Think of it as Medieval backwards record spinning combined with East Coast-West Coast rage, subtract a half millenia and you get this. Booooring.

I like the acronyms better, so the Fact Users Can Kiss it.

Fucki? Nevermind.

Reuben tells you why your Favorite Music sucks, Part IV: Fergie

Usually I like to put some time in between 'Reuben Tells' you why so-and-so sucks posts. Wait a few months to recharge the ol' batteries, you know. But after seeing her latest video, I just couldn't wait for this one. Fergie sucks.

Why, you ask? Let me count the ways:

1. Dear Christ, my ears!

You know, I used to like Fergie. No joke. I thought she had a good voice and was a nice counterbalance to the other members of the Black Eyes Peas. But now? Whenever her songs (and I use 'songs' loosely here) come on MTV it reminds me of a drunk sorority chick with whiskey voice trying to sing her songs. It's like the old B.E.P. Fergie Voice took a shit and this new voice was in the stool. Moving on.

2. How come every time I come around this goddamn song is on TV?

If you've heard this song and are now trying to avoid it at all costs you know what I mean. I have a theory 'London Bridge' is on at least one of the MTV channels at all times. I'm almost as sick of this mish-mash of crappy faux-drums and stereotypical English imagery as I am of that song by Celine Dion that they wouldn't stop playing for a year and a half.

3. Fergie-scusting

If you though 'London Bridge' was bad wait 'til you hear 'Fergielicious.' Dear Lord. And I don't just mean the auditory aspects of the new single from hell, I also mean the visuals. This video destroys everything that I hold near and dear: candy, bright shiny colors, women in skimpy outfits, gymnastics, women in skimpy girl scout uniforms, cookies, women in skimpy bikinis painted like tigers, you get the idea. I used to love all those things. Now, not so much. It's amazing how a terrible song can make you hate everything associated with it.

4. Remember when she was hot?

I know I do. I guess that's the magic of make-up and computers nowadays. Just look at these paparazzi photos:




Ugh! A face like a ventriloquist's doll, only less lifelike. Seriously, put the make-up back on and then edit that shit to make her look good again.



Ah, much better. It's almost as if she's actually hot. And talented.

Almost.

Halloween Recap '06

Good game out there, guys.

Another successful Halloween night in Athens. This year may not have had the sheer volume of really good costumes we had last year, but we made up for it in the quality of costumes and the fact that it wasn't 18 degrees and snowing this year. I'll take 40 and (relatively) dry with 25 mph winds over that shit anyday. Also, my friends Jules and Nick came in this weekend from Columbus. This was thier first Athens Halloween and blah blah blah, we'll skip the pleasentries and go right to the good stuff:

So Friday night we're walking down Court and we see a guy taking a piss in front of a dumpster in an alleyway. Now, most people would take the extra ten steps to go behind the dumpster, but not this guy. He'd been drinking since Tuesday and he really needed to drain his fluids. We stop to take a gander (I mean, bodily functions are entertaining) and start to leave when a cop walks up. He sees the guy in the alley and walks up behind him, flashlight in hand, pretty much tries to put a rear naked choke on the guy. But drunkie is having none of it; he turns slightly, looks his sure-fire misdemeanor booking right in the face and then elbows the cop right in his grill. Right in the cop's fucking face. It was pretty glorious.

But that's not all. Oh, no. Drunkie then proceeds to sprint into oncoming traffic (as much as he can sprint, what with the BAC and the not yet zipped pants falling down). I think the single most athletic thing I saw all weekend was that guy narrowly avoid becoming road kill by deftly hurdling Barry Sanders style to avoid the minivan in the left lane as he disappeared into the night. He obviously thought it through: public drunkeness and urination charges: night or two in jail and a fine. Added charges assaulting an officer and escaping arrest (and you could tack on a jaywalking charge there too) adds up to a roommate named Earl who likes the way your lips move when you talk.

Moving on to Saturday night. Though the streets were packed as always, this year there was something extra in the air. Maybe it was the holiday spirit. Maybe it was the fact that the Girls Gone Wild bus was in town. Maybe it was all the pot smoke in the air. Who knows. All I know is it was a different kind of Halloween.

A quick list of my favorite costumes:

Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots
hot Ninja Turles
Bernie from Weekend at Bernie's
contestants from Nickelodeon GUTS
hot girl scout troop
dead celebrities (John Lennon, Steve Irwin, etc.)
Greased-Up Deaf Guy
hot firewomen
plastic Army men
Beaker from Muppets
hot Navy women

I'll think of more later as I remember then. Copious amounts of alcohol and the contact high you get once you enter Athens County, you know. This list, of course, is not complete without the costumes of the people I know and love, such as a nearly complete character set from Alice in Wonderland from Miller Time, Jay Runner, Amy, Zach and many others, including such notables as Tweedledee, Tweedledum, the Mad Hatter, Alice, and the Cheshire Cat (and a hot one at that). Mike went as Li'l Mac of Punch Out fame, and Rachel went as what must be the shortest Flamingo ever. Nick's Joker was right off the pages of the comics and Julian standing out front of Goodfella's pizza as an Italian mobster was awesome, though he got confused with Tom Cruise's character from Collateral a lot.

Most worn costumes of '06? Well, Quail-Man made a good comeback and members of the clergy had a strong showing as well, some with childlike dolls attatcked to nether regions. Pun costumes such as the sex machine or chick magnet also were prevalent, but the most popular was all manner of superhero. Lots of Batman/woman (for Nick to, erm, joke with), Superman/woman, X-men of various types, Hulk, the aforementioned Quail-man and the Ambiguously Gay Duo were high on the repeated list, though Wonder Woman and Green Lantern were oddly absent. Those seemed like good ones to me. One of the Wolverines was fucking tight, but the rest seemed to have just pieced thier shit together. At least I knew we were safe with all of the super human capability around. Also, a shit-ton of Jim Tressels were around. Hey, at least nobody went as The Black Parade. I might have had to kill someone.

Wosrt costume? As much as I hate the referees, Teddy Ginns, Flavor Flavs and every other played out piece of crap like that, I have to say that the worst had to have been this nondescript cardboard box creature thing that we saw. I had no idea what it was. It was a strange mixture of Reptar and a Battlebot, but with a huge fiddler crab claw thing. Plus, it was unpainted and undecorated. Lazy bastard.

Best costume? I gotta give this one to myself. Under normal circumstances this might be percieved as narcissistic, but I feel that if the voting were left up to the good citizens of this blog that they would agree that an Optimus Prime that actually transforms into the semi-tractor trailer would win as well. How can you compete with a Transformer that really transforms? You can't. It's not possible. You know how you compete with that? You start to fight but then one of the many referees has to stop the slaughter because Optimus fucking Prime beat your ass into submission. That's how that happens.

While you lick your woulds from tripping over the flippers on your Scuba Steve costume and recover from your hangover that you got from ungodly amounts of Nati Ice and SoCo, remember that it's only 364 more days to next Halloween. A few thoughts on possible costumes for next year:

Statler and Waldorf
Buddha
hot construction worker
The Monarch from Venture Bros.
anybody from Never Ending Story
Olmec
hot leprechauns
Captain Morgan
hot Captain Morgan

Let me tell ya, nothing turns me on more that a hot pirate standing on a barrel asking if I want a little captain in me. The logistics of her getting a little captain in me as opposed to the other way around fail me at this time, but who cares? Nothing says Halloween quite like hot fake-bearded college pirate women.

That's pretty much all I got for this year. Score one for the good guys on this Halloween and see you all next year.

Die-Hard Fans

Many baseball fans say that they would die for thier team to win a championship. Now they can go out in style after they pass on.

Starting next year Major League Baseball will start selling caskets and urns donned with team logos for the deceased superfan. The urns will be unveiled Opening Day next year and caskets will be available sometime later in the 2007 season. The caskets and urns will read, "Major League Baseball officially recognizes (person's name) as a lifelong fan of (team)," and have the logo of thier team of choice. As of now the only teams available for this dubious honor are the A's, Mets, Dodgers, Phillies, Yankees, Red Sox, Cardinals, Tigers and Cubs. I imagine many Cubs fans would prefer not to wait and just be buried now.

The company hopes to eventually make all 30 teams available as well as to make similar agreements with NASCAR and the NFL. No news yet on whether I can be buried in a Columbus Crew casket.

Over one thousand, yes that number is correct, inquiries have been made thus far about interest in the containers. You can get information yourself about, dare I say, caksetball (shabam!) on thier website at www.eternalimage.com or call them on thier toll-free number at, this is not a joke, 1-888-6-CASKET. I guess the 2- through 5-CASKET was taken.

It may seem ridiculous, but if the saying is true that God is a Yankees fan then it might not be a bad idea to go out with a little piece of the Bronx carrying you on your way out.

How to Have a Horrible Halloween

It's that time of year again. There's a brisk chill in the air, you've started to be able to see your breath, and that geeky kid who lives in the room down the hall has started to brag about the kick-ass Optimus Prime costume he's attempting to make out of cardboard and duct tape. This can only mean one thing, people: Halloween is this coming weekend.

With less than 168 hours until the festivities start here at Ohio University next Saturday night (I'll wait for you to do that math), it seems only appropriate that, as we did last year, we at Horrible People give out some helpful hints for our readers to survive this Halloween.

Horrible Hint #1: Avoid this year's Cliche Costume

Two years ago, the cliche costumes were Napoleon Dynamite, Johnny Damon and pimps. Last year, The King (of Burger King fame), Li'l Jon and referees were the most popular. Avoid getting caught in the costume du jour at all costs! Not only will you appear to be completely void of creativity, but you will look like a douche bag. Seriously, if every third person is a referee, you get tired of whistles. So what should you avoid dressing up as this year? Here's a few on the watch list:
Ted Ginn, Jr. - Mostly for people who live in Ohio to worry about. No easier costume on the planet, just a #7 OSU jersey and bam! Instant costume. Definetly a no-no within 250 miles of the Horseshoe.
Warcraft Characters - The online sensation and the hugely popular South Park episode based on the game combine to create a costume to be avoided. The difficulty of getting a 5 foot broadsword past security might hamper the popularity of this one, so try it at your own risk.
Anything having to do with Puns - Stay away from the First Class Male, Deviled Egg, One Nightstand, etc. I love puns as much as the next guy, but the next guy I see dressed as a ketchup bottle that says 'Hold Me' (hold the ketchup, get it?) I am going to have to shoot in the kneecap. The fact that Captain Morgan has been advertising such costumes means they'll be doubly popular this year. Stay far away from these ones.
Flavor Flav - Viking Helmet + Clock Necklace. Enough said.

Horrible Hint #2: The Buddy System

It's not just for the deep end of the pool anymore. When you wear a costume that matches with one other person or many others you've got costume gold. Mario and Luigi are always high on this list, but why not get creative? Abbot and Costello perhaps. Too old school? Maybe a knight and a nemesis dragon battling for a princess, or how about Neil Everett and Scott Van Pelt of SportsCenter stardom. Why not grab that black/white friend (whichever race you ain't) of yours and go as Bacardi and Cola? They get the job done! Any of these could work to your advantage. Plan with caution, however, because no one is going to care about just one of the kids from Kriss Kross.

Horrible Hint #3: Plan for the Weather

It's going to be cold. It always is. It might rain. It might snow. You might step in police horse shit. So be prepared for the worst. Remember, water doesn't just come from the sky on Halloween. It also comes from the red plastic cup in the form of Nati that the drunks are carrying around as well, and rest assured that you will get spilled on. Many times. So remeber: dress in layers underneath that Ninja Turtle shell, or better yet go as something that is accustomed for cold weather. How about Na-Na and Po-Po, the Ice Climbers? What, too gay? Dress for the weather even if you don't get the NES reference. Also, waterproofing your cardboard/paint/whatever else isn't that big of a deal if you want to look like what you're dressed as after it starts drizzling. A side note: this pretty much just goes for guys, as the women will be skantily clad no matter what thier costumes are. Hey, sexy Na-Na and Po-Po...

Well that's what I have for you this year, folks. Happy Halloween, and good trick or treating to you.

What's that you say? What am I going to be this Halloween? I'll give you a hint: Remember that geeky kid who lives down the hall?