This Blog is a Pipe Bomb

I'm finally back from spring break vacation and time to get back into the swing of things. First thing's first, something happened in Athens just a few days before the end of the winter quarter that simply must be let known, and if I know MSNBC, Fox News, CNN, CNBC, and all the rest of the 24/7 news channels they'll check with Horrible People first.

Ohio University was on high alert on the morning of March 2nd. A bike with the label 'This Bike is a Pipe Bomb' was found outside a local restaurant called the Oasis. The school closed off four buildings, police blocked streets around the Oasis restaurant, the fire department brought in off-duty firefighters, and the Columbus fire department's bomb squad was called in. The bomb experts attacked the bike with a high-pressure spray of water, then pried it open with a hydraulic tool and found no bomb inside.

Ready for the punch line? 'This Bike is a Pipe Bomb' is a band based in Pensacola, Florida.

There are several levels to the stupidity of this. First, the guy who put the sticker on should have had enough common sense that the combination of a 'This Bike is a Pipe Bomb' sticker attatched to a bike might raise some question.But the reaction of the police and authorities, who arrested and charged the student to which the bicycle belonged, where ridiculous. C'mon, a factory made sticker that says 'This Bike is a Pipe Bomb'? Terrorists are not getting into brand recognition. "This attack was brought to you by Hamas." Idiots.

Now everybody stand back, this post is going to self destruct in about ten secoBAM!

Ohio vs. Ohio

I find myself in the following conversation more often than I'd like. It is with friends of my parents who feel they need to feign interest in my life...
Them: What college are you in now?
Me: Ohio University
Them: Oh really! My son wants to go there. Everything he owns is all scarlet and grey! Go Bucks!
Me: That's actually Ohio State.
Them: And where do you go?
Me: Ohio University, we're the Bobcats, hunter green and white, in the hills of Athens. Ohio State is in Columbus.
Them: Oh well isn't that nice. And aren't you a dance major or something?
Me: Just fuck off.

In the borders of Ohio only Ohio State comes to mind when speaking of college. Come to think of it, outside Ohio only Ohio State is really known. It's commonly thought that Michigan is Ohio States rival, but I beg to differ. Michigan is basically part of Canada and nobody gives a fuck about some denim wearing, french fry and gravy eating canucks. I submit that Ohio University is not only a rival of Ohio State's, but I will show why it is better in every aspects. Or in most aspects. The Birth Place of Aviation can only have one premier school with its name. So let this be a battle to the death, two schools enter (and judged in several categories of interest by me), one school leaves! Welcome to Thunderdome!

HISTORY
Ohio State: In 1870 in accordance with the Morrill Act of 1862 the Ohio Agricultural and Mechanical College was formed. Originally situated in a farming community outside of Columbus the school was intended to lead students into several agricultural disciplines. In 1878 the school voted in favor of broadening the educational spectrum and later changed the name to the now familiar "The Ohio State University".

So, the school was started by a bunch of rednecks that felt they needed a college to teach their dumbass offspring how to operate a thresher without getting their dicks chopped off. Big mundane adventure there. When they finally decided that there's more to life than corn and lima beans they opened up the curriculum and basically added a couple words to the already successful Ohio University, who's history is as follows...

Ohio University: During the creation of the greatest nation on earth (maybe you've heard of it? it's a little thing called the United States of America!) the ordinance of 1787 called for the formation of educational institutions for the Northwest Territory, in order for its settlement and statehood. Halfway between Marietta and Chillicothe (the original capitol of Ohio) the school was placed to act as a gateway of higher learning to the west. Originally named American Western University it's true founding came on February 18, 1804 a year after Ohio was admitted to the union.

Without Ohio University there wouldn't have been an Ohio. Frontiersmen and Cowboys ripped through the great unknown, battling blood thirsty savages and grizzlies in order to create an institution that would guarantee statehood. It's name, coming roughly 75 years before the rip off artists Ohio State, shined as a beacon in the still uncharted lands that reflect the wild and rugged will and true spirit of every American.

Winner: Ohio University. It's history tears through Ohio State's like a dick hungry thresher.

ATHLETICS
Ohio State: A formidable opponent in most all varsity sports. Part of the Big Ten conference it is an annual powerhouse in Football and normally showcases a strong Basketball program. A program that will only become stronger after they acquire highschool phenom, and who I suspect of horse steroid useage, Greg Oden. You can see this monster learn his ABC's here.

OSU's athletic department has many awards and honors to its name. They boast five heismen winners, including the only two time winner Archie Griffin, as well as 7 recognized national championships in football. They also have such notable sports heroes as Jessie Owens, Jack Nicklaus and Woody Hayes.

However, with such a storied history its important to note that the Ohio State Athletics department is about as scrupulous as the Mafia. Most recently having to remove banners showing accomplishments for men's basketball teams that violated NCAA regulations. Along with numerous counts of bribery and improper funding allegations for their football team. Pretty much a testiment to having that "Hard Work" attitude Woody Hayes preached as Buckeye Head Coach, as well as outright cheating when hard work doesn't quite do it.

Ohio University: Ok, ok, no great history here. In 60 years of football in the MAC we're 178-226-12 with only 5 titles. But who beat the Pitt Panthers on national tv? The OU Bobcats. The Basketball team is at least in the positive with a career .564 winning percentage in 60 years of MAC play. As well as 11 NCAA appearences and 5 MAC tournament championships. But punter Dave Zastudil, an OU alum is now a Cleveland Brown, filling a gaping hole on special teams since Chris Gardocki left. What are we taling about now? Oh yeah, until we start cheating we won't be as good as Ohio State for awhile.

Winner: Ohio State. Could pummel OU in just about anything competitive but would most likely need boosters to help in some way.

ALUMNI
I was going to focus on academics but it's hard to gauge, with OU having arguably the best Journalism school in the country and OSU with its massive research center its kind of a wash. Especially since the students care about getting all sorts of fucked up and trying to get laid over any educational endeavor. Instead we take a look at which school makes the better product.

Ohio State:
Football Players: Cris Carter, Eddie George, Terry Glenn blah blah blah. We get it, the school is a mill for NFL talent. I won't bother listing all who made it to the holy land and got paid millions for performing such great feats as catching a ball and running with a ball. I will mention that most football players beat their wives and do drugs. And that's a fact I didn't even bother researching.

Bobby Knight: That asshole basketball coach that throws chairs and was given his own bullshit reality show on ESPN. He's stuck in Texas now which is a fate worse than death. You'll probably hear his name in some news report soon with the phrase "aggrivated assault".

R.L. Stine: Author of the children's series Goosebumps. His books became a fad somewhere between pogs and visors. He's been called the Stephen King for Young Adults although I think a better analogy would be the cancer for American literature. And he looks like a droopy nosferatu.

Jeffrey Dahmer: It should be noted that although he didn't graduate Dahmer did go on to become an infamous serial killer. Murdering 17 men, who were normally homosexual and Black or Asian, he would save the bodies, citing necrophillia as a motviation for killing. Also eating the bodies and storing heads in his refrigerator. An altar of candles and human skulls was found in his closet as well as several decaying bodies in acid vats. So we are sure at least one product of OSU fucks and eats dead people that he seduced and murdered. Go Bucks.

Other alumni include Maurice Clarett who is on trial for robbery, Paul F. Iams who makes dog food, and some people who won nobel prizes, like I care.

Ohio University:
Richard Dean Anderson: MacGyver Mother Fucker! The actor who portrayed the resourceful ex-special forces secret agent and later the lead role on Stargate SG-1 was embarking on his first missions at OU. I can't even imagine the inventive ways he'd break in to sorority houses and steal panties before making his escape by only using a nati light can, gum wrapper and the top half of a pineapple.

Peter King: Senior writer for Sports Illustrated and special analyst on HBO's Inside the NFL. He recently slimmed down from his former, more portly physique, to keep the long tradition of Ohio Universtiy producing sex symbols.

Paul Newman: Holy crap talk about sexy. The Cool Hand Luke and Color of Money star sweats sexuality, as well as being a total badass. He also only attended one year but instead of becoming a gay serial killer/cannibal he instead became one of the greatest actors of all time. And as legend has it he was asked to leave the school after rolling a keg down Jeff Hill into the presidents car. Love it, what a true role model.

Other notables include Arsenio Hall, Nancy Cartwright (voice of Bart Simpson), George Voinovich and the Cleveland Browns new special teams stand-out punter Dave Zastudil. And let's all be serious, he really does fill a lot of needs for the Browns while taking away from the divisonal opponent Ravens, where he started his career. But I digress.

Winner: Ohio University. Actors and Sports stars who don't rob and murder people.

STUDENTS/STUDENT LIFE
Ohio State: Boasting the consdierably larger campus you are bound to find hundreds of people who have the same interests as you. As long as those interests are beer and Buckeye Football. If you like reading or have a different more focused passion than I hope you enjoy getting your ass kicked and being called a fag. Parties are large and often, but with a bigger student body there's always room for more assholes.

Ohio University: Smaller yet very active student body, you are just as likely to find as many people with interests similar to yourself. As long as those interests are beer. Yes, with a decline in athletics it leaves more time to focus on partying and drinking. Having one of the wildest street parties in the US on Halloween and being ranked as the 2nd largest party school in the nation (which is soon to be number one, thanks to faculty involvement) it's the place of choice to get crunk at.

Tie: College life is pretty much the same everywhere unless you are ivy league or at a community college.

Finally the most important division...

MASCOTS

Ohio State: Brutus the Buckeye? You've got to be fucking kidding me. Some monstrous human/nut hybrid. The most threatening thing is that it's poisinous or could possible clog a wind pipe. Hence the reason for creating the peanut butter and chocolate treat with the same name and appearance. Which is good because it matches the candy asses who attend OSU.






Ohio University: The majestic yet fearsome Bobcat. Indeginous to the region it has been hunted to low numbers making it endangered. However our Bobcat is equal parts stoned and depressed. A perfect mix for the whole college community.




Winner: Ohio U. The Buck lovin idiots to the north can kiss my ass.

The ultimate winner is of course Ohio University. Although this rivalry is far from being settled and even farther from being started, since nobody cares. At least both schools know they are infinitely better than Marietta College, more commonly known as Ohio's asshole. It's the town motto or something.

Don't be Hatin'

I've had three people tell me already that there are jokes in my previous post that they know for a fact that I didn't make up. To them I say the following: one, I never claimed that I made all of them up I just said that I liked them, and two, leave comments in the fucking comments box at the bottom of the post. Jesus Christ get off my case. If your really want a step by step list of the origin of each joke then feel free to get in touch with me. That is all. Assholes.

A Compelation of Relatively Funny One Liners, Bad Jokes, and Awkward Things to Say, Part II

These ones are slightly more disjointed and random than the last post of similar ilk I did a while back. Screw it; I get the jokes, if you people can't keep up with the tour then you should have bought the visitor's guide. Read 'em. Skip the ones you don't get right away and come back to them at the end of the quiz.

If I could eat lunch with any three people in history, alive or dead, I think I would choose alive.

According to a new study, people are becoming more accepting of fat people unless they’re on top.

How does that phone cord get so tangled? All I do is talk, and hang up. I don't pick it up and do a cartwheel and a triple lutz.

I recently saw a guy without a chin, and I couldn't help but think, 'how does that guy play violin?'

I tried walking through a drive-thru once, and the guy at the window told me that I needed to be in a vehicle to order from the drive-thru. So I bought a Wonder Woman outfit. (I'll let that one sink in before we move on)

I was pissing the other day and two streams came out. Like washer fluid or something. I guess a piece of lint from my boxers got stuck in there. I always wonder if things like that happen to women. I guess you’d have to be missing a gym sock or something.

I hate going to weddings. Uncles and aunts like to slap me on the shoulder and ask, 'When is it your turn?' They stopped doing that after I started doing the same with them at funerals.

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?

A mouse trap, balanced carefully on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Ever been stuck behind an accident and when you finally see the wreckage you're happy? 'Things should pick up now, just as soon as we pass this carnage.'

According to a new survey, 76 percent of women said what they look for most in a man is a sense of humor and a good personality. This was a survey published in 'Full of Crap' Magazine.

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger and the next morning you can buy it back for seventy five cents.

I like that the Taliban train for thier jobs but I feel like, when I see the videos, they're not training for the right jobs. I hope they know we don't have a lot of monkey bars here.

Don't buy burial insurance. Trust me, they will bury you anyway. Know why? Because society hates a rotting corpse.

A woman I went out with a while ago told me she had a yeast infection. I had no idea what that meant, but I had a decent guess because my mom bakes. I’m always in the market for quality baked goods.

Remember, war never solved anything. Except slavery.

We have women in the military, but they don't put them on the front lines. They don't know if they can fight, but I think they can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'

That's the end. See you all in hell.

Horrible Obituaries

Does the word 'horrible' really need to be in the title of every post? Anyway...

Here's a joke for you: what's Superman's only weakness?
Answer: ponies!

Which brings me to our first rotting corpse...

Dana Reeve, the wife of popular cripple and terrible equestrian (hence the photo and the joke) Christopher Reeve, died recently at the age of 44 of lung cancer. The news results I'm getting on Google say she was an actress, but I don't remember her at all in any movies. I remember seeing her on TV singing someplace with her push-cart husband by her side, but no acting. I suppose she will be missed. By other people. Not me. She seemed nice enough, but she's just so easy of a target that I'm happy she's in the news one more time so I can rip her a new one (or reopen her old ones). Imagining having sex with that guy. Jesus Christ, it'd be like trying to put up a four person army tent by yourself, having to move everything around and hold everything up and all. One good thing about her passing is that someone famous finally died of cancer again. Fucking Lance Armstrong made it seem like you put on the plastic napkin ring and you not only survive cancer but you get to have sex with someone like Sheryl Crow every night. I've been smoking 10 cartons a day since they got together and Keira Knightly has not shown up at my dorm room yet. I guess I'm not famous enough yet (so vote for us at Top-Blogs). Thank God someone famous died of cancer again. Take the fucking rubber bands off of your arms, you once-trendy assholes. Keira, you know where to find me (I'm in your bushes).

And in coffin #2...

Kirby Puckett, the famed Minnesota Twins outfielder and wife beating enthusiast died of a stroke at age 45 earlier this month. The round mound of 5'8" 300 pound...ers (damn, I was so close to that rhyming) had a Hall of Fame career with the Twins and won 2 World Series, though you may not have known that because it was in the middle of fucking Minnesota (or as I call it, Canada Junior). He was forced into early retirement due to complications from glaucoma that caused him to lose sight in his right eye. That was a problem, considering the fact that depth perception is important for baseball players. Soon after, he began smoking marijuana (I would assume, with the glaucoma and the essentially being in Canada). Charges brought against him for groping a woman outside a bar in Eden Prarie, Minnesota, and trouble in his marriage (if by trouble you mean batting .350 career at your wife's head with your open hand) only made Kirby continue his usage of wacky weed (again, I would assume). Mounting social pressure in the Minnesota community, among other things, made Kirby feel uncomfortable enough to feel the need to move from his home to Arizona. I don't blame him. I've smoked weed or groped a woman under less traumatic circumstances. It's good to grope a woman every now and then, you know, to loosen up. Gets those creative juices flowing. Unless the woman is lactating, then it's other less pleasant juices (for me; babies like 'em though). On another note, who names their kid Kirby? Maybe it's because of the similarity of body type to the fluffy pink fella. Either way, fuck those parents of his for naming that kid Kirby. Are they dead yet? If not, somebody give me their address. I'll punch their throats in.

Last, and certainly deceased...

Don Knotts, the professional ridiculous looking man, most famous for his portrayals of goofy lawsuit-waiting-to-happen Barney Fife on 'The Andy Griffith Show' and creepy leisure suit wearing Ralph Furley on 'Three's Company,' died a few days ago at the age of 81. For those of you who don't know, he made millions upon millions of dollars off of playing the same bumbling idiotic character. Much like Denzel Washington; why has no one noticed that he plays the same character in every movie? Yea, you're very angry trying to solve why someone raped your wife/kidnapped your daughter/killed your best friend, we get it. Anyway, back to Don. He was good at that character, but it was the same goddamn character from 'Andy Griffith' to 'Chicken Little.' Many people are sad about his passing and I am as well, and the only reason I'm happy is because he lived a full life and I could write this post about it. But really, I mean, come on. He did look like this 24-7:



That's right, two old school video game references in one post. That's quality you don't get from Used Hack or Melody Platz. I couldn't find a good character for Dana Reeve. I could've used Princess Peach, but she wasn't married to 'Super Wheelchair Mario.' Punch the keys, for God sakes!

Nintendo executives would be idiots not to make that for GameCube.

My Horrible Retirement Plan

There comes a time in every person's life when they need to give a serious look at their future. Carefully analyze the choices that lie ahead and follow through on goals that are set, in order to achieve the life one truly desires. I've begun to do just that and have slowly come to realize I am totally fucked. I have no work ethic, a pessimistic attitude and an unusually high tolerance for failure. Because trying hard and falling short is a lot more work than not bothering. Couple those characteristics with a dipping economy, that will likely reach its lowest point upon my graduation and resource depletion that will cripple the world market and I'm facing a future that looks more like Mad Max than Richie Rich.

With these startling conclusions in mind I see that I need an escape plan out of my doomed life and quick. I will not allow myself stuck working alongside past high school state champion quarterbacks, in blue smocks at Wal-Mart. I need a plan that gets me in the field I love and the kind of money I can stay comfortable on. So I've reached the best possible solution: Trophy Wife.

It's pretty much the only available option I have that gets me in the field I enjoy; doing nothing, along with the kind of money I expect to live on; a shitload. Now that leaves the question of where to begin. I've got a lot riding on this being my new destiny and all, so I have to get it right the first time. Better look at some role models first. It may give me some inspiration when learning about the courageous gold diggers that blazed a trail before me, so that I might be able to humbly follow in their footsteps. Here are 3 of the best and no, I will not include the corpse marrying whore Anna Nicole Smith because she may not get the money and had to lick that mummy's balls for almost a decade.

Amy Irving divorces Steven Spielberg, resulting in a 100 million dollar windfall. And that's 100 million in 1989 dollars, today tallying about 148 million. That's an awful lot of scratch for only needing to take care of their one son, Max. Hope he can get by on such a meager allowance. What do I take from this? The woman could spot a winner, marrying Spielberg shortly after the release of Jaws which would be the launching of his career and subsequent movie empire. Find the talent fast, and dupe a nice guy, since the split was amiable she still makes it to Oscar parties.

Melissa Mathison divorces Harrison Ford, obtaining 118 million in the settlement. Alright, not too shabby but there is a bonus to the end of this 18 year fling, she receives half of the royalties on any Harrison Ford film made during their time together (1983-2001). You pick up a DVD copy of the Fugitive? Money in the bank for Mathison. Enjoy Indian Jones or Patriot Games? Not nearly as much as this goddess of alimony. However, any fan boy who can barely hide his boner while unwrapping a special edition Star Wars doesn't help since in 1977 Ford was still working part time as a carpenter. What do I learn? Hit it early because you don't want to miss out on extra earnings from legions of geeks.

Anna Murdoch's epic haul from Rupert Murdoch, 1.7 billion in assets and 110 million in cash. That's 1.7 Billion with a 'B'. B as in FUCKING 1.7 BILLION! And all she had to do was bump uglies with the devil incarnate. Good times. Squeeze out three kids and try to smile when 17 days after the divorce of the 37 year marriage, Rupert goes off to marry Wendi Deng, the same woman he was having an affair with. Just sit back and smile Anna because if you add the assets value with the cash it's like you won the Powerball five times over.

Those are some large shoes to fill if I strive to be the best. I'll have a little help though, because I'm not going into this blind. No, I am going to know all the tricks, thanks to Mysterious Luva and her book "Sex a Baller out of His Mind and Money".



Wow, an essence magazine bestseller! That's like the New York Times list without the credibility! I bet the most mysterious thing about Mysterious Luva is her STD diagnosis, a hybrid breed of syphilis and bid flu is mysterious!





Contained in this book are all the tricks you need to learn to seduce, use and discard of your very own baller. It boasts to have such guaranteed tactics on where to find a baller, which ballers have the biggest penis and the top 20 baller sex positions (photos!). Wow such a comprehensive guide, looks like it's a battle for second in the race for Pulitzer. Some sure fire examples to make your man lose his mind is to tell him to "cum in [your] mouth" and feel free to rub the baby batter like lotion on your skin. Thank you Mysterious Luva for teaching me strategies I could never learn, unless I watched any hardcore porno in the 1.99 bin at Spanky's Adult Video.

This plan might not work considering I look less like a video honey and more like Pee Wee Herman. I'm just going to play the Powerball, if it hits I wont have as much as some of these women but I will be able to look into the mirror.

Just kidding, with 1.7 billion I can pay people to smash any mirror in 50 miles of me. I'm putting on my whoring boots.

A Penny For My Thoughts

Listen, I’ve held this in long enough. It's time for me to vent a little bit.

Fuck you, pennies.

I hate pennies with a white hot passion that will not be quenched. Is there anything more useless and depressing than getting a penny back after buying chicken nuggets from Wendy’s? The answer is no. I don’t care how many of your pets have been hit by cars or how many epigastric parasites you have, the answer is no. Not a thing more useless or depressing. I always have the reaction of, "Why the fuck are you giving me this?" They hand it to me as if I should thank them for giving me my change. Change!? It's a fucking penny! What are you going to do with a penny? Seriously, what do you plan on doing with it?

That's what I thought.

Get rid of the fucking pennies. Congress, the people who run our country, continue to spend millions of dollars to make billions of pennies every year, and as you know we don't have that kind of money to spend. I like the dollar coins. Make more of those. A lot of people don't, but really, I need to use dollar coins more than I need to use fucking pennies.

I thought of something else that fucking sucks about pennies. This situation has happened more than once: I accidentally drop a coin in between the seat and the door in the drive thru, and it's more often than not a penny. Then I have to do that pincher beetle thing with my middle finger and the nail of my index finger for about ten minutes. So then I can't get it so I have to use a nickel, and now I get four more mother fucking pennies! Ugh, that sucks.

Let me take a breather here for a second. Phew.

I didn't want to write two different posts over the course of about 15 minutes, so part two of this post goes like this: apparently, a study was recently completed by who knows (and frankly, who cares) and the conclusion of the study was that American citizens know more about 'The Simpsons' than the The Bill Of Rights. The question was as follows (no cheating and looking any of 'em up, now):

Name the 5 members of the Simpsons nuclear family.
Name all 5 of the rights guaranteed in the 1st Amendment.

How many of each did you get?

Listen to this statistic found in the survey: 1 in 5 people could name all 5 Simpsons right, but one 1 in 1000 could get all 5 rights, uh... right. That's ridiculous.

That might be more depressing than getting pennies as change.

Just so you know, all ten are (Simpsons first, then Rights): Homer, Marge, Maggie, Bart, and Lisa, and then Speech, Religion, the Press, Assembly, and Petition.

People use acrostics to remember things all the time. Let's make one up so we can remember the five rights:

Simpsons
Remember:
Pennies
Are
Pointless

If I were...A Professional Wrestling Referee

I'd take my job seriously. I mean the referees these days just don't seem to have the same work ethic or accountability of the good ol' days. If I were a referee I'd make sure that every match was run clean and only the true winner's hand would be raised, left to grasp the coveted belt for whatever the hell champion he just became.

I'd make sure to have a strong grasp of the glorious sport that is pro wrestling. I'd understand rules and legal moves. I wouldn't question when punches fly past an opponents face only catching air and yet the force of that whiff still somehow manage to bring a full grown man to the canvas. Nor would I be confused to the fact that punches are always accompanied by loud stomping of the mat. I mean those punches have to be loud enough don't they? Isn't stomping excessive? But I digress.

For I'd also not let outside the ring activity distract me. I have a duty in the ring and goddamit I am going to fufill it. If a loud mouth manager grabs my leg I'll make sure to get free and focus on the action so no foul play can occur. And if a fighter's girlfriend's big ol' titties are hanging out I won't stop and stare while action takes place behind me. My main responsibility is to those fighters and to those same fighters I say this: You can count on me.

Please know that if I were a pro wrestling referee I'd make sure to question the shattered remains of a 6 string acoustic guitar or a broken beer bottle around a fighters skull before I made that 3 count. I mean, I have no idea how such unlikely items could soil the otherwise pure sport. If those items were used in anyway to injure a fighter I'd stop and possibly ask a secondary observer, let's say the hollering red-faced announcer, as to what has transpired.

I'd also pledge that if I am crushed by a wrestler's finishing move on accident or my skull is caved in by a steel folding chair I would not make an immediate three count for the first person I see pinned. I have just taken on massive head trauma and am in no way capable of calling a fair fight. In this case I think I'd assume a fighter with a checkered past, lets say someone who has beaten me from behind with hockey sticks, alluminum ladders, baseball bats, championship belts and other object before may not get my full confidence when I regain consciousness. After watching replays of other referees and most likely myself being violently bludgened I'd try to remain level headed during a fight in order to see it through till the end.

If I were a pro wrestling referee I would be the best.